Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Job Interview Advice

The economy is rough right now, and for every job that opens up, there are approximately 47 applicants. That's why I've compiled a list of things you should and shouldn't do on a job interview. Follow this advice, you'll get that job every time.

If the interviewer asks you if you have any special skills, don't say, "I'm very good at looking busy."

Do not tell the interviewer she reminds you of someone you saw on one of your many stops at pornamateurs.com.

If you must describe yourself as a people person, don't wink.

Don't volunteer any information about your favorite "Sex Rehab with Dr. Drew" participant.

Don't tell the interviewer about the really weird dream you had the night before.

When you tell the interviewer that you're competent, don't use air quotes.

Do not give the interviewer any of the names you use when posting to message boards.

Don't brag about your body hair, unless specifically asked.

Don't volunteer any information about your childhood, unless you score very badly on whatever "skills assessment" they give you.

If asked any personality questions, duck them by saying, "I don't have a personality."

If asked about your greatest accomplishment at your previous job, don't tell the interviewer, "I always used appropriate emoticons in my emails."

Tell the interviewer everything s/he wants to hear.

Remember: Clean underwear just smells better than dirty underwear. But no underwear smells best of all.

3 comments:

Jessica said...

LOL, my favorite: Don't volunteer any information about your childhood, unless you score very badly on whatever "skills assessment" they give you.

I hate employers that make you take a stupid assessment test. It's a waste of time, plus, I always fail. But THANKS, now I know what to do next time around. *Chuckles*

Ricky Sprague said...

Jessica, I "strongly agree" with your "very effective" comment. I, too, "strongly disagree" with the "very ineffective" assessment tests, most especially those with "strongly agree," "agree," "neither agree nor disagree," "disagree," and "strongly disagree" answer choices.

shampoo said...

some of them don't have the neutral option! why can't they just let you scrawl "I like money" with crayon?