Tuesday, December 8, 2009

It Keeps Getting Worse For Tiger Woods-- False Advertising, No Condoms, and The Tiger Woods Home Pregnancy Test

For a guy who has, allegedly, at least as many as 8 mistresses, things are surprisingly bad for Tiger Woods. According to TMZ, Gatorade is dropping the drink they created for him.

Gatorade is shutting down production of their special brand of Tiger Woods' brew this month -- but the drink giant tells TMZ it has "absolutely no connection" to Tiger's current predicament.

I don't drink sports drinks, so I had no idea that Tiger Woods even had one named for him, or marketed around him. What is it supposed to do? Imbue you with the spirit of Tiger? Not to be crass, but if it can do for my coital adventures what it's done for Tiger Woods's, then sign me the hell up.

Except. I am dubious about the packaging.



You will note that it makes prominent use of Tiger Woods's intense stare-- supposedly the stare that is used to zero in on exactly which "club" to use when "whacking" the ball to prevent it getting into a "sandtrap" (I know all these terms because many, many years ago I wrote an article about Tiger Woods for the late lamented Cracked magazine. Not to brag.)


Way back in 1997 (I was so young!) I wrote an article for Cracked magazine about Tiger Woods's fantastic success as a golfer, pop culture icon, and product endorser. You will note that it was in this article where first was suggested the Tiger Woods Home Pregnancy Test-- a product which seems eerily appropriate given the fact that Mr. Woods apparently doesn't like to use condoms. Illustrations, by the way, were done by the inimitable Mr. Frank Cummings.

Except-- and here is where my "except" comes in-- didn't Tiger Woods get Lasik eye surgery? Yes, he did-- at least twice:

Tiger Woods admitted that following the Masters, he underwent laser surgery for his eyes for the second time. Woods had previously had the procedure in 1999, following the Ryder Cup.

Just like in 1999, Woods won the first time out after the procedure. In 1999, he won the Disney Classic, while this year he won the Wachovia Championship. After eight years, Woods, who admits to having terrible natural eyesight, the time was ripe to get the procedure done again.

So, Gatorade sports drink was promoting its Tiger Woods brand by prominently featuring a part of Woods's body that he's admitted to having artificially enhanced? Was this Gatorade Focus crap supposed to be liquid Lasik surgery? I call "foul" on that (is "foul" a golf term?).

Oh, and, also, Deadspin has a longish story about Tiger Woods's sexual escapades, which are apparently quite extensive.

The biggest misconception about the Tiger cheating scandal is that Rachel Uchitel and Kalika Moquin, two of the first three women named by the tabloids, were his full-time lovers. They may have been at some point (especially Rachel, some say on numerous occasions) but that was not their primary function. No, Uchitel's main job was to provide women for Tiger during his globetrotting excursions to various tournaments, charity functions and f*ck-and-run private-jet weekends with his Fortune 500 party pals that he seemed to enjoy so much.

But, really, I just can't get over the eyes on the Gatorade packaging. The affairs I understand, but disingenuous advertising just irritates me.


Tiger Woods Gatorade Focus pic source.

3 comments:

shampoo said...

what a silly product. everything about the packaging annoys me. they needed to drop it. it's ill-conceived (haha) in every way.

Ricky Sprague said...

I hadn't heard of it until I saw the TMZ article. When I saw the packaging I read it as "FO-CUS," as if it were a compound word. It really made no sense.

shampoo said...

I did the same thing. the lightning bolt, I know that it's a gatorade thing, but where it is... it reminds me that tiger's fo cus is carrying a "club" around a big yard to "whack" a small ball into a small hole. so, is he fo cus ed because of the lightning storm? because he is standing out in a field holding a long piece of metal.