RE: Megan Fox Thinks Wonder Woman is Lame

How can anyone think this character is lame?

In an interview with London's Sunday Times, the attractive young actress Megan Fox dismisses the notion of ever playing Wonder Woman on film:

“Wonder Woman is a lame superhero,” she says, clearly unfazed at the thought of ruling herself out of a potentially career-making franchise. “She flies around in her invisible jet and her weaponry is a lasso that makes you tell the truth. I just don’t get it. Somebody has a big challenge on their hands whoever takes that role but I don’t want to do it.”

She has a point. Wonder Woman, at least as she exists today, really is lame. The reason is because DC comics has refused to acknowledge what the character is: a male fetish fantasy. Lately they've been engaged in a profoundly misguided effort to make her into one of "Big Three" with Superman and Batman. Apparently, she co-stars in a comic book with those two called "Trinity." Here are three recent interconnected covers:



Batman and Superman appear poised and ready for action. Wonder Woman has her hands above her head and one (bare) leg hiked up. Batman and Superman appear to be wearing pajamas, while Wonder Woman is wearing a stripper outfit.

And wearing the stripper outfit is fine. It's great. But if you're going to keep the stripper outfit, don't try to make her equal in stature to Superman and Batman. And if you are going to make her the equal to Superman and Batman, give her pajamas because otherwise no one's taking her seriously.

Wonder Woman was created in 1941 by a guy named William Moulton Marston, whose stories were an insane mixture of science fiction, fantasy, politics, crime, suspense, lesbianism, and bondage. Lots of bondage. In these stories, Wonder Woman was constantly being tied up or tying up others. From Wikipedia:

Marston's Wonder Woman is often cited as an early example of bondage themes entering popular culture: physical submission appears again and again throughout Marston's comics work, with Wonder Woman and her criminal opponents frequently being tied up or otherwise restrained, and her Amazonian friends engaging in frequent wrestling and bondage play (possibly based on Marston's earlier research studies on sorority initiations). These elements were softened by later writers of the series. Though Marston had described female nature as submissive, in his other writings and interviews he referred to submission to women as a noble and potentially world-saving practice, leading ideally to the establishment of a matriarchy, and did not shy away from the sexual implications of this:

"The only hope for peace is to teach people who are full of pep and unbound force to enjoy being bound ... Only when the control of self by others is more pleasant than the unbound assertion of self in human relationships can we hope for a stable, peaceful human society. ... Giving to others, being controlled by them, submitting to other people cannot possibly be enjoyable without a strong erotic element".

About male readers, he later wrote: "Give them an alluring woman stronger than themselves to submit to, and they'll be proud to become her willing slaves!"

Here are some panels from a single story that appeared originally in Wonder Woman #6, Fall 1943, reprinted in Wonder Woman Archives Vol. 3. Wonder Woman is performing feats of strength "For the relief of women and children in Europe," and as part of said performance, she is to be tied up and placed in a tank of water. The vain debutante Priscilla Rich, who has an alter/split personality, called "The Cheetah," is part of the show, but no one in the audience cares about her. So, Priscilla attempts to sabotage Wonder Woman by using her own "magic lasso" to tie her up before she's placed in the tank:






We start with bondage, continue through to Wonder Woman being placed in a water tank and having to contort her body in order to free herself, then end with super hero and super villain kissing.

Seriously, cast Megan Fox as Wonder Woman and Jessica Biel as The Cheetah, have them bind and kiss each other for 90 minutes, and you've practically got yourself a license to print money.



Did I post these photos of two attractive women merely to get traffic to my blog? No- if I were tying to generate traffic I would have found a way to work in something about monkey attacks and zombies.


Lynda Carter as Wonder Woman pic source.
DC Trinity cover pics source.
Megan Fox pic source.
Jessica Biel pic source.

The Rotten Tomatobots Come Out in Force to Protect Pixar's "Up" from the Nefarious Mechanations of Armond White

I'm kind of fascinated by the people who post on the "Rotten Tomatoes" site to come to the defense of films like Star Trek, and now Up, that have high "tomatometer" numbers. Up is currently at 98%, which means that 98% of the reviews collected by RT are positive. Two are negative. One of those negatives is by Armond White, who reviews movies for The New York Press.

Armond White is one of the few movie reviewers I read with any regularity, because he is one of the few reviewers I know of who has exacting and specific standards, and who sticks to those standards with determination, even if his opinion runs contrary to what is "popular." The "Up" review is obviously a case in point. He did not like it. You can read the review here.

I don't always agree with White. In fact, I rarely do. But that's another reason why I read his reviews. They are challenging. Whenever I read a movie review with which I disagree, it helps me to better understand what it was I liked or didn't like about the film. A good review (whether negative or positive) will help you to see something you might have missed, and White's reviews do that for me.

But, as we've seen in the past, when the Rotten Tomatobots came out in force to protect the dignity of poor little Star Trek (which sat at a pathetic 96% positive) there are some people who are simply scandalized to the point of hysteria by any review that in any way diverges from their own opinions. Especially if those opinions don't follow the "tomatometer." Somehow, if a movie is "certified fresh" by the majority, it's automatically a good movie, perhaps even a great one. Anyone who disagrees should just stop reviewing. They are "the village idiot." And those reviewers should simply die. Or start working as a janitor in a porn theater. Or, they're obviously just trying to be different for "shock value."

And it's still Thursday! The movie hasn't even opened yet- how many of these people who are calling White such silly names, telling him to "**** off," asking that he be banned from RT (no room for dissent on a web site devoted to opinions on film!- one of the commenters actually goes so far as to use the word "unique" as an insult), and suggesting that he should just "die," have even seen the movie?

Granted, it's Pixar, and I have enjoyed every movie Pixar's made. My suspicion is that "Up" is very good, but I won't know for sure until I actually see it.

And I can tell you that the fact that Armond White doesn't generally like Pixar movies does not threaten me in the least. In fact, it's interesting to me to read why he doesn't like movies that I do, and why he likes movies that I don't. It's actually more interesting to me to read reviews with which I disagree than those with which I do.

I can disagree with White, without wanting to see him dead. It's shocking, I know.

The comments on White's review are here. I also took some screenshots and I'm posting them below; they provide a rather depressing sampling of the comments on a movie review.

A movie review.

(By the way- a number of comments suggest that White is simply trying to draw attention to himself and his review, and generate traffic to The New York Press site. If those making comments genuinely feel that way, then why are they commenting on his review? As of right now he's at 168 comments, far more than any of the "positive" reviews with which these commenters presumably agree. Doesn't it make more sense to draw attention to reviewers you actually like, by commenting on those?)

Bronze Age Comics Cover of the Day: Spoof Issue 2

In the 1970s, Marvel ruled the comics world with their hilarious "humor" comics. Who can forget "Crazy" comics, and later, "Crazy" magazine (which featured an issue that contained 7 blank pages for readers to fill in with their own "crazy" comic)? Plus, I think there were others. Anyway, today's Bronze Age cover of the day is a certifiable classic from 1972, the second issue of Marvel's "Spoof," a comic which purported to celebrate nothing less than "The Lunatic Side of Life." The cover features, in the top left corner, an image of what appears to be a teenage Charlie Brown putting the moves on a teenage Nancy. Hilarious. The primary image shows parody versions of the characters from "All in the Family" being met at their door by two hippies; one black, one white, both hilarious.

"We gettin' it together fo' the cause, whitey!"

"Hey, dig 'em, man! Like-- they're our kind'a cats!"

I do not know if there was a third issue.

*Full disclosure: The cover appears to have been rendered by the great John Severin (he illustrated a story in this issue called "Tarz an' The Apes!"), who ennobled a few stupid articles that I wrote over at "Cracked" magazine many years ago and, of course, was one of the original "Mad" artists. He is a genuine talent and a real gentleman.

Why Should Anyone Celebrate "13 Years of Perfect Attendance"?

MSN has a story about a girl who's about to graduate from high school who supposedly has "2,340 straight days of school."

Stefanie Zaner, Iron Kid of Darnestown, is closing in on her 2,340th straight day of public school.

The 18-year-old is unlikely to get the standing ovation afforded Ripken for his streak when she arrives at Northwest High School on Friday for the last day of senior classes in Montgomery County.

I don't mean to pick on this girl, but she should not get a standing ovation for attending "2,340 straight days of school." All that means is that she has had a relatively easy life, with no serious illness, no real money problems, and decent genes. Good for her, I'm happy for her, but I'm not going to celebrate her. I'd be a lot more impressed if she came from a poor family and had to work, and miss a few days of school. Being out in the real world once in a while is good for you- it builds character and you learn more about real life.

But then, it turns out, that she actually did not accomplish what the story's headline claims:

But hers is a rare accomplishment. Not once in 13 years was Stefanie marked absent: not for a cold, a family vacation, a college visit or a senior skip day. She once went on a freshman trip to Shanghai with the school marching band and boarded the plane with her clarinet only after securing written assurance from the principal that the trip would not count as an absence. She has never broken a bone, thrown up or caught the flu or even a bad cough, she said.

First of all, she was privileged enough to get to take a "freshman trip to Shanghai with the school marching band" (how much do you suppose that cost?), and, again, I don't begrudge her that at all, but she strongarmed the principal into not counting her missed days as an absence.

This "13 years of perfect attendance" is not perfect attendance at all. Why should she get any extra consideration for her trip to Shanghai, when a kid who actually gets sick is going to get marked as absent?

Stefanie's story gets even sadder:

Her principal at Darnestown Elementary School, Larry Chep, gave out annual awards for perfect attendance. She won a couple, then found she "really liked being recognized for something." By the end of fifth grade, when Chep recognized her for six consecutive years without absence, Stefanie stood alone.

Chep remembers her as "one of those kids you want in your school." Stefanie returns to Darnestown Elementary each spring to help her fourth-grade teacher take down her classroom and organize her closet.

She gets a sense of accomplishment from merely being present? Is she that starved for attention?

And the students that principals "want in [their] school[s]" are the kids who just sit there and listen politely and do exactly what they're told. They don't want students who push them, or challenge them. They want the bland kids. That's like being told you live in a part of the country where companies test market products.

And just what sort of person earns straight A's for 10 years — make that nine — without missing a day of school? A perfectionist. A worrier. An overachiever. Stefanie is all of those, by her own account.
...
"There were times I felt completely overwhelmed and thought I was never going to be able to maintain this image that everyone had of me," she said.

She's not even doing this for herself. She's doing it because she thinks it's what others want her to do. Stefanie, stop it. Take off the day before graduation. Stop worrying about something that is absolutely meaningless.

Another kid is mentioned, Austin White of Mountain View High School, who "hasn't missed a day since first grade." Check out his bragging, but be sure and get out your hanky:

To keep the streak alive, the Stafford teenager has passed up national baseball tournaments. Even an ankle sprain sophomore year, he said, "wasn't a good-enough reason to stay home."

The parents are negligent in this case. Think of the memories this poor kid is missing out on. He passed up "national baseball tournaments," plural for crying out loud, so that he could sit and listen to a bored teacher read from his notes about the freaking War of 1812.

He might have hit the winning home run, or whatever it is that they hit for "baseball tournaments."

These kids are young, their bodies are stronger than they'll ever again be, their minds are learning at a more brisk pace than ever again, and they are wasting this prime time on attending class every freaking day.

That is to be discouraged, not celebrated.

Charm School 3 Episode 3: Pick Your Battles

Last week Ricki Lake had two plausible choices for expulsion from Charm School: Ashley and Kiki. I happen to think she made the right choice sending Kiki home, because Kiki just can't turn it off, whereas Ashley isn't as belligerent and bullying, and certainly not with the same consistency, as Kiki. Moreover, Kiki comes to us from "Real Chance of Love," a show on which she was competing for the affections of either Real or Chance, each of whom was so unmemorable and uncharismatic that he could not carry an "Of Love" show on his own, while Ashley was one of the top characters on "Rock of Love Bus," in which she was competing for the affections of none other than Mr. Bret Freaking Michaels for crying out loud, the guy who sang that song about the rose having thorns, and being careful not to prick yourself, or something. A genuine rock and roll celebrity, not a "celebreality" celebrity.

And Ashley wasn't the only one about to leave- she was going to take Farrah and Marcia with her. Ashley played it perfectly.

But Kiki's expulsion is too much for So Hood, who for some reason believes that leaving the show will be "making a stand." I suppose she sees Kiki as the victim of some kind of injustice (she says, "I'm like the modern day Martin Luther King," which only goes to show her just how breathtakingly stupid she is, and how little credibility she has, that she compares walking off a VH1 reality show with marching on Selma, for crying out loud), but this is a VH1 reality show, and Kiki was a jerk. Maybe this week's "commandment" should be "Thou Shalt Endeavor to Always Pick Your Battles."

So long, So Hood. Charm school can't help you.


The modern day Martin Luther King, Jr., at least in her own mind. I'd like to take this opportunity to direct her to King's Letter from Birmingham Jail. It's probably a good place for So Hood to start her research into life of the man to whom she compared herself, while flipping us off.

Anyway, maybe if they'd threatened to leave the show before the elimination, as the ROLBus girls did, things might have worked out differently.

Ashley, Farrah, and Brittanya can't even bring themselves to go into the house, because the Real Chance girls are throwing a fit. If only Brittanya weren't in trouble with the law, she would have beat the Real Chancers down. But, alas, she's left moping with Ashley and Farrah. At least until Farrah puts on her stripper heels and leaves. It's too "ghetto," she says. She wouldn't strip in a ghetto club, for any amount of money.

So long, Farrah. Charm School can't help you, either.

I will miss your enormous chest.


And then Farrah left, too. Because "Charm School" was too "ghetto." It was no place for a classy lady like her.

Inside the house, Risky points out that Ashley's physical abuse of Brittaney was worse than Kiki's verbal abuse of practically everyone else. I'm not compelled, but it's a valid point (even though I've already effectively demolished it in this post and the last). The abuse of Brittaney was far more mental and verbal than physical, anyway. I mean, no one actually laid a hand on Brittaney with the exception of the odious Beverly, and she was expelled immediately thereafter.

Brittaney prays for strength from God, and also prays that God will smite her enemies. Brittanya talks smack about Natasha for seemingly no good reason. "She looks like a guy, and she wants to be me," she says. This is surprising for two reasons: The first is, I don't think anyone would want to be Brittanya. The second is, I completely forgot that Natasha was in Charm School.

"Things are spinning out of control," Ricki says. "I need to get a handle on this before things get any worse." Indeed, very soon you won't have a show anymore.

Unfortunately, Ricki Lake's idea to "get a handle on this" is to turn this into an episode of "The Ricki Lake Show." She calls the "ladies" to the "lecture hall" for an "emergency assembly." "I want to hear all your gripes," she says, from her couch. "We're going to try to respect each other."

Risky feels the decision was wrong. Kiki was only verbally abusive, whereas Farrah actually threw things at Brittaney (I honestly don't remember that).

Ricki says that more girls were afraid of Kiki than Farrah. Eliminating Kiki, she says, "might have been pre-emptive, but it had to be done. Kiki's aggressive behavior was disruptive to many of my girls." She then asks Risky "Do you think that because Farrah and Ashley were white, that they got a pass?" It's a question that's both stupid and valid, especially given So Hood's insistence that she is a modern day Martin Luther King Jr.


Ricki solves Charm School's problems, and offers the rest of us hope that we can overcome our differences. You can tell she's serious because she's holding a Sharpie. I think she took notes, she was so serious.

Risky does feel that way. She then says something I find totally unbelievable: "I get along with all type of people, regardless of the race." Perhaps it would have been more appropriate for her to say, "I get along with all type of people equally well, regardless of the race." At this point one of the deans, Lala, says she understands why they think that, but it's just not the way it was. People were trembling in fear of Kiki. The Real Chancers seem to trust her, and appear mollified.

But Baybaybay isn't done. Ashley at some point called her ghetto, and she says that "just because I'm black, doesn't mean I'm ghetto." That of course is irrefutably true, but I suspect that Ashley was talking about her attitude, and not the color of her skin. Anyway, Baybaybay then states that she could call Ashley ghetto, as well. Ashley is, after all, a stripper. She is also the type of person who talks smack behind peoples' backs, locks them in bathrooms for over an hour, and throws salsa in peoples' luggage. "Because I'm black and I'm passionate about things I say, I have to be ghetto."

Baybaybay-- you were on "Real Chance of Love." Your point about Ashley is valid, but pick your battles. Quit while you're ahead.

Ashley's not a racist, she says, because her son, her whole reason for appearing on Charm School, is not white. "Obviously he's half, but I'm just saying." She also states that her behavior on ROLBus was "embarrassing to me." She then turns to Brittaney and says "I will say I am sorry. Like, okay, I seriously I'm just going to tell you right now I do- I apologize. I haven't treated you nice and I'm sorry." You can see, when it's written out like that, just how truly sincere she must be. Especially after locking Brittaney in the bathroom last week. She continues, to Ricki: "She is a human being, okay, like, I realize that... And I haven't felt right about it." Then, back to Brittaney: "I'm sorry and I'm willing to move forward."

Acknowledging Brittaney's personhood is a huge step for Ashley. No doubt it was painful, too. But, again, it must be pointed out that you locked the woman in a bathroom and slipped hotdogs to her under the door last week.


Arguably, Ashley's worst offense was wearing hot pink uggs to the "emergency assembly."

KO says that Brittaney is two people. Playing the victim role, while at the same time instigating the very abuse that is inflicted upon her.

But Brittaney insists that she is too "zen" for that.

Finally, the Ricki Lake Show ends with hugs all around. This is not very promising.

Thankfully, it only lasts so long. Brittaney confronts KO, who is seated on her bunk. "I felt like you ridiculed me in front of the judges; that made me look bad, and now I'm going to be eliminated tomorrow because of what you said about me." Brittaney interviews that she wonders if KO might be retarded, for not knowing what the word "instigator" means.

KO: "I never said that Brittaney Starr was an instigator, but I did say that she provoked a lot of the arguments in the house."

This is a fine distinction, and I suppose that KO is speaking of intent. But let's not get into a semantic argument.

Zen Brittaney's argument is alienating her Real Chance protectors. It wasn't very long ago they had taken her under their wing, and taught her to win any argument by shouting "kiss my black ass!" at your opponent. And now, they are starting to understand just why Ashley has such a hard time treating her as a normal human being.

Next day, Brittanya had to go to court. She was arrested only a few days before the show started, and, unlike Saaphyri, she isn't running away. But she's looking at, if convicted, a minimum of one year in prison. And this is LA, so she must have murdered someone to be looking at that amount of time.

Ashley's concern over Brittanya's fate prompts the best line of the episode:

"I hope Brittanya doesn't go to prison after she leaves 'Charm School.'"

If she does, maybe VH1 can follow her? Maybe she can get a room with Saaphyri?

We haven't even gotten to the challenge yet. "Thou Shalt Play Nice With Others," or something like that, is this week's official commandment. The girls are taken to a "senior citizen center" filled with elderly people. Listen to them, talk to them, impress them with your "charms," because it's the elderly who will be deciding who gets on the "dean's list."

One of the men recognizes Brittaney from her adult film past. A woman asks Ashley if she can feel her "fake" breast. Brittanya sits on the mens' laps. Baybaybay starts them dancing.

Then a man collapses behind a seemingly oblivious Natasha. Baybaybay rushes to his side, deeply concerned, having just recently lost her grandfather.


It's possible Baybaybay saved a life on "Charm School." Possible, but not probable. She did not save a life, but she did help a man who stumbled to the floor.

The elderly people vote for Baybaybay, who loves "old people...People say I have an old soul." In a way, I guess, this challenge was rigged.

The other girls go to detention, where Natasha agitates against Brittanya, Brittaney, and Bubbles. In that case, she feels, Brittanya would go home.

Could Natasha become the Charm School version of Tailor Made?

Brittaney Starr wears headphones to the elimination, so that she can "dance to the music in her own head." She's "just chillin', tryin' to have a good time." But Lala thinks it's a sign of disrespect. And Ricki and the deans need respect.


The bottom three: On the left is the one facing serious jail time. In the middle is the one who wants to do cartoon voices. On the right is the one who hears cartoon voices in her head. No wonder none of them were eliminated.

Except.

No one is eliminated on this episode. There's some nonsense about all the girls coming so far and needing to be commended, but we're not buying it. They have a certain number of episodes to fill, and in the last two episodes they've lost three contestants.

Dear Ricki: we will not respect you if you pull lame stunts like this. You had the detention, you had the elimination ceremony, and then you did not eliminate anyone. Not even the woman who showed you such "disrespect" by showing up to the "elimination" wearing headphones.

You have disappointed us all, Ricki.

Pics source.

Jane Austen's "Daisy of Love" Chapter 5

CHAPTER 5

The previous two eliminations had ended with Daisy, suffering from an excess of sensibility, storming out of the greatroom in brokenhearted tears. But it was not only Daisy whose heart overflowed- the gentlemen, seeing the effects of London's refusal to accept his chain, worried that their own connections to the eminently desirable young lady were tenuous, were also in an agony of emotion. Were the connections they were inevitably feeling reciprocated by the object of their desires?

As the gentlemen mused and commiserated in their shared sleeping quarters, Chi-Chi, still groggy with sleep, implored the others: "Gentlemen! Please consider leaving, that I may finish the constitutional that you have, no doubt inadvertently, interrupted."

"We are commiserating," Cage replied. "A gentleman does not interrupt the airing of emotions, when others are hurting!"

"A gentleman does not interrupt the sleep of others, to air his emotions!" said Chi-Chi.

"Then, I am to be a stoic?" Cage asked. "Denying my true feelings? Improbable!" He grabbed Chi-Chi's bed and shook it. A fighter by trade, Cage's natural inclination was to solve his disagreements with a gentlemanly duel. It was true that dueling was going out of style, at least in certain circles, but Cage was perhaps an anachronism. It was not that he worried that the world might be passing him by, but that he worried that the world could not keep up with him.

Nevertheless, on this day, he manfully abstained from challenging Chi-Chi.


Cage started out the episode by picking a fight with sweet little Chi-Chi. Even I could beat up Chi-Chi.

Big Rig prepared coffee and fig newtons, the gentle Daisy's favorite snacks. "Let these fig newtons soothe your troubled spirit," he said, entering her sleeping quarters.

"Oh, you are so sweet!" Daisy declared, with great excitement. "This gentlemanly gesture has made me almost completely forget London, the gentleman who currently resides in a most favored place in my heart!"

"Indeed, dear lady, that was my intention," Big Rig said, satisfied.

When the gentlemen were assembled in the greatroom, Mr. Rachtman, dressed in a fashionable blue mechanic's jacket with a leopard print collar, informed them, "Today, gentlemen, you will be challenged to create photographic images of your intended, Daisy, to adorn the cover of her newest single, 'Pretty Messed Up.'" This was a challenge that had gone over well in previous seasons of "Rock of Love," but in those, the subjects to be photographed were not the love-objects of the guests. In this case, the gentlemen would be photographing Daisy herself, which made the whole endeavor much more delightful, and an admirable way to pass an idle hour.

"I love to play dress up!" Daisy said, unable to contain her enthusiasm.

Mr. Rachtman was more serious: "You will be judged on creativity, and the extent to which you allow Daisy's musical inspiration to act as your muse. Although I'm sure that as gentlemen you are all intimately acquainted with Daisy's musical endeavors, you'll all be given a musical disc of the song, along with a lyric sheet, so there will be no misunderstanding of Daisy's intentions."

The gentlemen were grateful for the consideration.

Daisy stepped forward and divided the teams based on her own inimitable logic: "The first team shall consist of Big Rig, Chi-Chi, 12 Pack, and Cage. This shall allow Chi-Chi and Cage to work through their disagreements in a civilized manner, with creativity. The other team shall be 6 Gauge, Sinister, Fox, and Flex, because I want Fox and Flex, the two most comely gentlemen, on the same team, so that when they win the challenge I shall have my pick from amongst them as to who to spend the solo date with."

As the surveyed the men and made her selections, Daisy could not help but to wonder what the absent London would have brought to the challenge. She sighed pensively, but none of the gentlemen knew why.

Each team pored over Daisy's heartfelt lyrics as if they were the Rosetta Stone, holding the secret code that would enable each team to create the most perfect representation of her charms.

The first team chose to represent Daisy as a high class lady of the evening, at a public house at last call, sharing tender kisses with a random man portrayed by 12 Pack.


The first team chose to try to make Daisy up like Marilyn Monroe. They do have a lot in common, actually- I think Marilyn Monroe was hospitalized for exhaustion too.

The second team chose to represent Daisy as a musical lady of the evening, sharing tender kisses with two random men portrayed by Flex and Fox.

The judges, Daisy, Mr. Rachtman, and world-renowned "rock photographer" Miss Bree Kristel Clarke, examined each team's representative photo with a discerning eye, before Daisy made her completely impartial choice, selecting the second team's photo as the best, and selecting Fox to be her companion for the solo date.


This is the photo that Daisy deemed the most flattering...


...I suppose it is at least as flattering as her official Jack Daniels and coke bird flipping promotional picture.

Naturally, the other competitors for Daisy's affections were most disappointed in her choice.

Fox, ignoring the other gentlemen and sparing only attention enough to prepare for his date with Daisy, applied makeup and pomade eagerly. This would be his chance to show Daisy just how much she meant to him, and he intended to take full advantage.

"I feel I am the realest dude here," Fox said, during their Greek god-themed solo date, in which Daisy had appointed her very own sleeping quarters with flowing draperies and an assortment of wines, fruits, and cheeses. "I cut hair."

"But what are you looking for?" Daisy asked.

"I'm looking for that special connection that only amazing people such as myself share. For instance, suppose you are in a situation in which you need to visit a public house, or perhaps attend a fashionable social gathering. I want a romantic partner to join me in such activities, and to know when the time is right to engage in those activities." He smiled.

"I worry that we are missing something," Daisy said.

"We can conversate silently," Fox said, meaningfully.

"Our lips should not be used for speaking anymore tonight," Daisy agreed agreeably, and the two shared tender kisses

Meanwhile, Cage brooded. In the language of love, his vocabulary was not nearly so large as the other gentlemen. He worried that Daisy, the clear object of his desire, was not so interested in him as he in her. He further worried that, with such concerns weighing heavy on his mind, he would lash out at the other gentlemen in an ungentlemanly manner.

Happily there was distraction. As the gentlemen engaged in yet another garden party, a skunk stole its way into the estate. Without regard to their own safety or vanity, the gentlemen endeavored to capture the beast. They managed the feat, but not before Big Rig, Flex, and 12 Pack were overcome by the skunk's glandular expression, each man rendered physically ill by the stench.

For all the negative aspects of the skunk incident, it brought the gentlemen closer together in a common cause that was not the capturing of Daisy de la Hoya's heart. It was the capturing of a skunk.


The skunk in the house is probably a metaphor or something, but I'm too dumb to figure out the symbolism.

Daisy's idea for the four-date with Sinister, Flex, and 6 Gauge was to take the men to an indoor skateboarding park. None of the men had ever been skate boarding before, but Sinister made a go of it. For his part, Flex found the highest of the hills, and made a valiant attempt to ride his board down it, falling in the process.

Daisy was most impressed, but found 6 Gauge's standoffish attitude a bit disappointing. "Why are you so aloof, Mr. 6 Gauge?" she asked him.

"I am a businessman," he said. "I am more mature, at 29 years of age. In my search for a wife, I have no time for shenanigans such as these."

"Nevertheless, I find your distance troubling," Daisy mused. "Even a businessman should find time for activities of leisure."

6 Gauge dropped his pants, revealing the enormous piercing in his man parts. Daisy gasped. "Oh, but I do find time for activities of leisure," he said. "As evidenced by the enormous piercing in my man parts."

Daisy said, "There can be no more dramatic events than such as I've witnessed today!"

Meanwhile, back at the estate, Cage was still brooding, unable to shake the melancholia that had recently assailed his spirit. He attempted to drown the melancholia with large amounts of wine; a gentlemanly act, for sure, but just barely. As the evening wore on, his spirit grew more troubled and as the gentlemen sat by the fire, Cage removed one of the burning embers and tossed it between his fingers quickly, usually throwing it into the air before it could burn him. However, when the ember became too hot, he flung it away from him, and it landed on Flex's hand, burning the skin.

"Please, hit me," Cage said. "I shall think less you if you do not- I have burned you, you are entitled to one gentlemanly punch."

Flex, a much more modern gentleman, abstained.


Cage attempted to settle his disagreement with Flex in the only way he really understands. One punch would have made them square again; but somehow I doubt the producers would be quite so liberal about this as Cage.

"You're going home, 6 Gauge!" Cage declared, apropos of nothing other than his inebriated state.

"You are too much in your cups," 6 Gauge replied.

"Could a man who was not completely sober do this?" Cage asked, engaging with 6 Gauge in fisticuffs. The other gentlemen stepped in at this point. In particular, Flex grabbed Cage from behind and placed him in a submission hold. It was only when the producers intervened that Flex could be pried off of Cage's person.

Cage was rendered mute by anger and frustration. He stormed from the room.

Daisy, out of a deep sense of selfless concern, sought him out. "Tell me what troubles you," she said.

"I am a fighter," Cage said. "Fighting is what I do. No one is better at it than I. That is not ungentlemanly boasting; I am being sincere, as I always am with you."

"Of course, but I am worried about you..."

"There is no need for worry," Cage sought to reassure her. "I will simply challenge Flex to a duel. The man left standing shall continue to compete for your affections. The loser shall be dead, so he won't care anyway."

Daisy was taken aback. She was unaware that dueling was still fashionable. "Certainly, there is no place on my estate for a duel!" she said.

Cage looked at her imploringly. "If that be your answer, then I fear I must take my leave of the estate- for I cannot remain here without so challenging Flex."

"I appreciate your candor," Daisy said, fighting tears. "I am sorry you must leave."

"Three weeks in a row," Daisy wondered, "have left me in tears. Will this not end? Can I take much more of this?"


And again, Daisy ends the episode in tears. She is supposed to be a tough punk rocker "chick," (see how she portrays herself in the photos above, flipping the bird, holding a Jack Daniels, sitting before a mirror table with lines of "coke" on it- she just doesn't care about anything! she's tough! don't mess with her!) and she can't even handle the freaking eliminations on a VH1 "Of Love" show. At some point, it's going to get tedious, and we're all going to start to wish that Heather had gotten her own show instead. Oh, wait- we already do wish that.

Daisy with Jack and coke pic source.
Other pics source.

Give The "Mother Gives Birth to Twins With Different Dads" Family Its Own Show, and Maybe Think About Canceling "Jon & Kate Plus 8"

"Jon & Kate" Gosselin have their own show, and their marriage is apparently maybe (allegedly) a total sham. But thanks to their several kids, they have a unique hook and therefore the attention of millions.

Well, this family has a unique hook:

A Texas woman wasn't planning on two conceptions for the record books.

But that's what she got — along with two beautiful boys — when she gave birth to twins of different fathers nearly a year ago.

How did it happen? Every month a woman's ovary releases one egg that can be fertilized by one sperm. But in this case, a pair of eggs emerged.

Sperm, meanwhile, can remain alive and well and viable for up to five days in the reproductive tract.* Thus a woman can have sex with different men within those five days and the sperm “just kind of hang out there waiting for the egg to be released,” Dr. Hilda Hutcherson, Clinical Professor of Obstetrics and Gynecology at Columbia University, told Meredith Vieira on TODAY.

[Mia] Washington, who just turned 20, admitted to her partner that she had sex with another man within that five-day window — hence, the double conception.

You can't tell me that is not at least as interesting as "Jon Ampersand Kate." To be honest, however, I've never really understood the appeal of the Gosselins, or of their show. I guess it's vaguely amusing to watch her continually emasculate him with her passive aggression during the "interview" segments, but the fact that they have children- and so damn many children, at that- makes the whole thing a bit distasteful.

I often feel the same way when I find out contestants on the VH1 reality shows have children. For instance, Beverly from Rock of Love Bus and Charm School has three children. Three! Can you imagine how terrible it must be for those kids?

Thankfully, those kids aren't visible on Rock of Love or Charm School. They're mentioned occasionally- Beverly might have Bret sign something for them, for example- but then quickly forgotten again. And they're not depicted on the show, so the viewers are constantly reminded of them, and the effects their parents' actions might be having.

On "John & Kate" we see the kids all the time. You can't forget that the rotten relationship the two of them have (the relationship they choose to show us!) is directly affecting their kids. Because their kids are everywhere.

But then again, the "Mother Gives Birth to Twins With Different Dads" family might be too loving to get their own show:

When he discovered that Justin wasn’t his son, [James] Harrison said, "I was hurt, torn apart — didn't know what the next move was gonna be," Harrison said in a taped NBC News segment.

Nonetheless, he's loved both boys the same since then. "I raised him [Justin] from a baby all the way to now. He knows me as his father, and I know him as my son," Harrison explained.

For the sake of the children, he's looking past his own pain, and raising the two kids as if they were both his own biological sons.

No, I can see now this wouldn't work as a reality show. Bring on the new season of "Jon & Kate"!


Jon and Kate Gosselin had eight beautiful little lottery tickets, and they've televised their way into our hearts.


Maybe if this family has a few more kids- preferably some more "multiples"- they can get their own show. And then they can disintegrate before our very eyes.

Jon Ampersand Kate image source.

*By the way- way to go, sperm!

RE: "Battleship" Board Game to be Made into a Film

The Hollywood Reporter has a story about a movie based on the board game "Battleship." That's not a joke.

The game, which began in pencil and paper form in the early 20th century and is now available on platforms from cell phones to computers, consists of two players arranging a variety of ships on a grid. The game proceeds in alternating salvos as players try to "sink" the opposition's ships by guessing where they sit on the grid.

While plot details are being kept below deck, the studio is looking to make an epic naval action adventure.

That quote isn't a joke, either. Those two paragraphs appeared in the story, in succession.

Left unstated is whether it will be the classic version of "Battleship," or the electronic version that will be adapted. Maybe it will be the "cell phone" version?




Remember when they used to make commercials for board games? Now they make movies about them.

There are too many people in Hollywood, laboring in obscurity trying to write amazing scripts that will never get produced, in the hopes of landing a gig adapting a board game for the big screen. That is the goal now. Hollywood has been relying on comic book-based films to keep it relevant and successful; now it's looking to board games:

Universal has several board game titles in development as part of its six-year deal with Hasbro. "Ouija Board" is being produced by Michael Bay's Platinum Dunes shingle, "Candy Land" has Kevin Lima attached to direct with Etan Cohen writing the script, and Ridley Scott is developing a project based on "Monopoly."

These upcoming films might all be spectacular, who knows? Every one of them might be the next "Clue." Even so, it's giving me a sinking feeling.

Driving While Texting Should be Legal

Reuters has an article about a study that states that about a quarter of cell phone users admit to driving while texting.

A quarter of American cell phone users admit to texting while driving, despite bans in seven U.S. states and several serious accidents recently, according to a report on cell phone use released on Wednesday.

That probably means that even more people do it. Who wants to admit to doing something that's illegal, and caused several serious accidents recently? And if it's so common, then why aren't there even more terrible accidents being caused?

Some people can drive while texting, and some people can't handle it.

Some people sit with their eyes forward, seemingly on the road, hands on the wheel at ten and two, and daydream, running red lights and stop signs and plowing through school crossings, endangering our most precious resource ("the children"). If these people cause accidents, they should be punished. Should their punishment be any less because they didn't happen to have their cell phones or Blackberrys out at the time?

Yet 83 percent of the 5,000 people surveyed across the United States said they thought DWT should be illegal. The survey was carried out on behalf of mobile voice technology company Vlingo.

There seem to be a lot of people who believe, "I can handle it, but most people can't, so it should be illegal." How can more than a quarter admit to doing something that 83% believe should be illegal? At least a few of the people who do it must think it should be illegal. People can be pretty ridiculous sometimes.

Vlingo, by the way, makes hands free and voice recognition devices. Do you think their motives in commissioning this study were purely altruistic? Maybe their motives were simply to promote themselves- or maybe they were more sinister (if texting while driving is illegal, then all those driving-while-texters will have to buy hands free devices, won't they)?

Text messaging has been blamed for a number of recent high profile accidents, including a train crash in the Los Angeles area last September in which 25 people were killed, and a Boston trolley crash this month in which almost 50 people were injured.

In both cases, the drivers were found to have been sending and receiving text messages seconds before the crashes.

These paragraphs are totally disingenuous. They don't tell you that in both cases it was the operator of the trolley and of the train that was texting- not some average citizen driving a car and missing a four-way stop. If those are your top examples of the "dangers" or driving while texting, then why not start with a ban on the practice for those operating mass transit?

Oh, the practice was already banned in those cases. I see. So when the present rules are broken, the answer is to create more intrusive rules that directly affect nearly everyone on the road?

These new laws are necessary because they give the police one more excuse to pull you over. In Minnesota's version of the law, for instance:

Law enforcement will take action from what they observe and their perceptions at the time. Each city will decide the fine, which can be up to $300.

So the police can just pull you over and claim you appeared to be checking your text messages? Do 83% of people really want the police to be able to pull you over based on "their perceptions at the time"?

Some people can handle the distraction, and some people can't. That's just the way it is. Some people can look at a map while driving, some can read a book or magazine, some can listen to the radio, some can talk to their passengers, some can discipline their kids, and some just can't. Should we ban every single distraction, in the name of safety? What about eye-catching billboards? What about women who walk down the street with a bra and no shirt?

The world is full of distraction. Punish people who cause accidents.

Plastic Man Takes A Stand Against Torture

Back in 1943, with simple clarity, Plastic Man explained exactly why he is opposed to torture:



"We aren't sinking to their level!" That's all it takes- and the criminal starts to spill his guts. True, he's killed by the mysterious "Number Seven" in the panel that immediately follows the last one posted above, but still, you get the point.

Fox News' Shepard Smith certainly gets it, and expresses the view emphatically and in more vulgar language than Plastic Man's creator Jack Cole ever dreamed of using (NSFW):



By the time of this story, Plastic Man was working for the FBI, and therefore represented the United States government. I'm not sure that superheroes should be working for the government, but if they are, I want them to have Plastic Man's attitude. This is a guy who can stretch his body into any shape, and basically do anything he wants. Because he's made of rubber, he's "not allergic to bullets." There's really no defense against this guy. He needs to be good, he needs to follow rules of common decency, because he is just too powerful. And, perhaps as important, he's a symbol of justice.

Lest you think this was just one lone rogue FBI agent's attitude toward torture, check out what Plastic Man's boss, The Chief, tells Plas's sidekick, Woozy Winks ("the man whom nature protects!"), just as Woozy is about to question a suspect:



"The F.B.I. cannot condone third-degree methods!" The government doesn't abuse people, and does not abuse power.

One reason I enjoy reading reprints of old comics is to laugh at how out of date are the sentiments expressed.

More about Plastic Man here.

Wolfram/Alpha Doesn't Know What to do With Me

Wolfram/Alpha, the super cool new search engine excuse me "computational knowledge engine" went live recently. It's supposed to be this big deal hot new thing, so naturally I had to check it out for myself. By searching for my name.



When I google my name, I get all kinds of stuff. But this hot to trot Wolfram/Alpha doesn't even know what to do with my input.

Whatever.

I tried just searching for my first name and got a little more:



Just over 202,000 people are burdened with my first name. Lucky them. Lucky us!

How about "Sprague"?



22,283 people named Sprague? Really? I wonder how many of those I'm related to? More important, how many of those people would admit to being related to me?

My point is, thus far, Wolfram/Alpha has been a huge disappointment to my ego.

Charm School 3 Episode 2: Hypocrisy

This week's "Charm School" lesson was "Thou Shalt Be A Model Citizen," or something like that, but perhaps a more important lesson for these women might be "Thou Shalt Aspire To Not Be Raging, Transparent Hypocrite." These women (or, "girls," as they insist on calling themselves) are starting to irritate me. Scratch that- they have irritated me from the start. Same goes for the producers.

Last week we lost Beverly, who managed the not inconsiderable feat of being both awkwardly dull and a loud mouth bitch, and poor Gia, who was a drunken loud mouth bitch. Both women were graduates of "Rock of Love Bus," which has Ashley concerned, because "The 'Real Chance' girls are just loud mouth bitches."

This viewer could not help but to cast his mind back to last week's episode, in which the lovely KO offered most of her clothing and $100 cash to charity, and the lovely Bubbles, who aspires to bring joy to the world by provided voices for animated characters. How can Ashley accuse this group of being "loud mouth bitches?"

Well, it turns out they really are "loud mouth bitches," as the Real Chance Girls are shown mercilessly ganging up on Bubbles. It's maybe only four or five against one, but these bitches are such loud mouths that it easily appears to be many more. Bubbles makes a valiant attempt to defend herself against the onslaught, but she has no reasonable chance. I wouldn't want to be in her shoes, but I am a bit of a wimp- that's to be expected. What is surprising is that even Farrah is concerned over the injustice.

"And it doesn't even make any sense," she says. "How are we supposed to be in 'Charm School' dealing with that?"


Whenever Farrah speaks, I listen very attentively, for some reason.

Farrah, do you even listen to yourself? I ask this, because later in the episode you will lock Brittaney Star in the bathroom for "an hour and a half" and slip hot dogs to her under the door.

Anyway, Ricki Lake interviews that she won't tolerate disruptive individuals. That's all well and good, but what happens when everyone in the house is a "disruptive individual"? (Except poor Bubbles, of course, who just wants to do cartoon voices.)

Before the first lesson, Marcia looks to take the edge off with a bit of tequila. Marcia, you see, is a bit of a lush. She hasn't had the kind of meltdown that Gia had last week, but she did become vomitously drunk and then make out with Bret Michaels on Rock of Love Bus. So, yes, she does enjoy her drinking.

During the lesson, someone called Tanya Acker, who is some kind of activist or something, tells the girls they need to be activists, or something. It's important. Marcia mentions, tearfully, that she grew up in Brazil, a third world country, and understands the miserable pain of growing up poor. Bubbles thinks that "poor" doesn't have to mean "unhappy," which is exactly the type of thing you expect to hear from someone who has never been poor in her life.

In her defense, she wants to do cartoon voices for a living. Presumably, she would have other people write dialogue for her.


The beautiful Los Angeles River. Mighty. Majestic. The pride of the City of Angels. If only the city could find a group of women of questionable virtue to clean it up and maybe, in the process, clean themselves up as well.

The girls are divided into three groups of four and taken to "the beautiful Los Angeles River," which I think is supposed to be ironic (it's filthy, littered with detritus and refuse, and they somehow found a part of that mighty river that's more than just a few inches wide) where they're lectured by an environmentalist. After soaking in all that knowledge about the environment, the women I mean girls are given 15 minutes to put their new-won knowledge into action, by cleaning up the Los Angeles River. By picking up garbage and throwing it in a dumpster.

Ashley claims this is stupid, and I'd be inclined to agree with her except (a) somebody has to do it, and (b) these girls aren't really qualified to do much else.

Unless, of course, one of them can find a way to explain to me how stripping can help the environment.

Here, Ashley surprises me by doing just that in her interview. She suggests that cleaning the filthy, ankle-deep water is "worse than giving a lap dance to a fat man." Well, we've heard that overweight people are apparently a burden on the environment, so if you're giving him a lap dance, he's not eating a hamburger. And maybe burning some calories besides.

Ashley, you are kind of my new hero now. You've really stumbled upon something. Stripping is good for the environment! I take back my (b) point above.


Ashley makes a valid point about strippers and environmentalism, but I would have expected more from her on this season of Charm School. She was a terror on Rock of Love Bus, but so far she hasn't been able to move beyond a few funny lines and bullying Brittaney.

Farrah in particular impresses the judges. Because she's not on a team with Ashley, the venal girl is away from the negative influence that so often leads her astray. Her team is declared the winner, and the four women are safe from elimination.

Kiki is irritated that she broke a nail. Kiki with a broken nail is a dangerous and unpleasant sight to behold. She is most emphatic in her expressions of dissatisfaction. No one who comes into contact with this woman will ever be heard to ask, "I wonder just how Kiki really feels about that?"

She takes out her frustration on Bubbles, who dares to defend herself, to try to explain to Kiki- and Baybaybay, who is playing Farrah to Kiki's Ashley- that she doesn't appreciate being called stupid. It makes her feel bad.

Last week, Bubbles claimed that one reason she wanted to attend "Charm School" was to learn to be more assertive, and to stand up for herself. Kiki and Baybaybay sense this weakness in her (Bubbles herself has exposed it), and it's obvious that neither Kiki nor Baybaybay suffers from low self-esteem. They despise it. And they despise Bubbles for it.

I took a psychology course in college once- I know these things.


Bubbles wants to learn to be more assertive. Learning to point while making a statement is a good start.

Kiki will later claim that she has a "strong personality," which some people mistake for intimidation. No, Kiki, you have an aggressive personality. You verbally attack people. People with "strong personalities" don't have to attack people.

Compare Kiki to the bullies of the great MTV show "Bully Beatdown." She is a bully. (In fairness to Kiki, she's not the only one. For starter's, Ashley's a bully, too.)

Speaking of Ashley, she and Farrah are laying in bed together. And they are bored. Let me repeat: Ashley and Farrah are in bed together, and they are bored. And, since they unfortunately did not have my telephone number, they decide to pick on Brittaney Star. They tear off down the hall to Brittaney's room.

The Real Chance girls don't understand why Ashley and Farrah have to pick on Brittaney all the time. They pause from bullying Bubbles for a few seconds to wonder about it, and then get back to bullying Bubbles.

Brittaney has gone to the bathroom and Ashley notices that, for some reason, the bathrooms have locks on the outside of the doors. This is a feature exclusive to VH1 reality show homes- I've been to a number of structures in Los Angeles, and I don't think I've ever seen that before. Anyway, the temptation is too great to pass up, they lock Brittaney in the bathroom and feed her hotdogs.


Brittaney Star's (or "Starr's") website is here (NSFW). She's still doing pornography, I guess, which is good for her, I'm not one to judge. Maybe she can take her "locked in a bathroom being fed hotdogs" experience and turn it into a porn film? On second thought- it probably wouldn't work.

Brittaney's revenge attempt is both strange and pathetic (and, therefore, totally worthy of her): she leaves a plastic scorpion in Farrah's bed. This sends Farrah into conniptions, and when Farrah races down to Brittaney's bed to confront her we discover that, for some reason, Brittaney has a fire extinguisher in the bed with her. Apparently she's trying to get a jump on next week's "Thou Shalt Always Practice Good Fire Safety" episode.

Brittaney seeks comfort with the Real Chance girls, who agree to take her under their collective wing. Just so we're clear: Brittaney is being bullied. So she runs to the other bullies for help. Somewhere out there is a budding psychologist trying to come up with something to help him make a name for himself, and here it is: Why is Brittaney so crazy? And, is this common among people who are bullied? Not to be too glib about this, but we know that women who have been abused as children often seek out abusers themselves. They also go back to men who have abused them. Maybe this is a similar dynamic?

Brittaney, if you haven't been paying attention, let me spell it out for you: You are the Rock of Love Bubbles. Kiki is not your salvation; she is another Ashley. You are going from one bad situation to another. Do not do it.

Oh, but the Real Chance girls can be very charming, apparently. They teach Brittaney how to defend herself from Ashley's abuse by teaching her to shout "Kiss my black ass!" whenever Ashley picks on her. Even though Brittaney's white, they assure her that this is an effective rejoinder.

Before the vote for the bottom three, Ricki talks individually with a few of the girls. The consensus is that Kiki is an intimidator. Bubbles is in fact so fearful of her that she asks Ricki to "pinky swear" that she won't tell Kiki that she told her she was afraid of her. And, oh yeah, Marcia and Ashley are bad, too.

For the elimination, the Rock of Love girls target their attention on Kiki, while the Real Chance girls use strategy to target both Ashley and Marcia.

Kiki is quite unhappy with this, and begins shouting fearfully at the obvious injustice. She can't understand, when she's made such an effort to "talk" to everyone on the show, why anyone would want to eliminate her. (She has a very loose definition of the word "talk," which involves shouting filthy reproaches at people's faces while standing a few inches away.) Baybaybay thinks it's scandalous and unfair, because, well, Baybaybay is Farrah to Kiki's Ashley.

Ricki and the other judges, or deans, or whatever they are, cannot understand why the girls have broken off into cliques. This is not what "charm school" is all about. It's almost as if the Real Chance girls, and Rock of Love girls, are plotting against each other. They are shocked! After all, they've done everything they could to get all the girls together, to get them to mingle and become friends. They've done nothing at all to pit them against each other. Like, for instance, setting up a system in which the "charm school" "students" vote for which three to send up for elimination. How could such a system be abused in this way? It's almost like the most powerful, and popular people are going to create alliances and try to vote out the weakest people and win the money.

And, I tell you, shaking my head sadly, that's just not what charm school is about.

Sensing the hypocrisy, and knowing the fix is in, Farrah, Ashley, and Marcia walk out. Brittanya would have followed them, but she needs the money to pay her lawyer fees.

This is a disaster. These three are among the most entertaining. Rock of Love is the highest-rated VH1 reality show, and they can't lose five of the veterans of that show in two weeks. Ricki goes up to their room to persuade them to return. She finds the three of them in their civilian clothes and with their bags packed. Ricki feels they should be able to "talk things over." But some of these girls have a loose definition of the word "talk." How can you "talk" to someone who believes that shouting in your face is "talk," Ricki? Explain that.

Actually, to Ricki's credit, she kind of does just that. After bringing Farrah, Ashley, and Marcia back, the elimination ceremony continues, and Kiki is eliminated. She is deemed to be the primary instigator of all the turmoil in the house, and she pays for it.

Ashley and Farrah, you will remember, locked Brittaney Star in the bathroom for an hour and a half.

Kiki yells at people. Kiki threatens and insults. In two episodes of this show, she's seemed to have two volume settings, ten and eleven.

It could have been Kiki or Ashley, but I think that Ashley had two things going for her. The first was, as I've already mentioned, she was a favorite on VH1's top reality show. The other thing was that, as cruel and irritating as she could be, she could and did turn it off sometimes. Kiki seemed incapable of that.


So Hood seemed so caring, so genuine, so full of love on Real Chance of Love. Who would have thought she could blow up the way she did?

But now, the Real Chance girls are upset, and So Hood is so scandalized by the injustice of Kiki's elimination that she starts packing her bags and screaming "Kiss my black ass!"

Unlike Brittaney, she says it with real conviction.


Kiki doesn't seem like a seething cauldron of bitter anger and violence, but this photo's been retouched.

Kiki pic source.
Ashley pic source.
Farrah pic source.
LA River pic source.
Bubbles pic source.
So Hood pic source.

Jane Austen's "Daisy of Love" Chapter 4

CHAPTER 4

DEAR TAYLOR,

I compose this letter burdened with a great deal of emotional uneasiness. I was of course quite fortunate to be able to recently visit with you, and to gain your counsel regarding the musical nature of the challenge I put before my gentlemen. However, I fear that my pleasant memories of the week will be forever subsumed beneath the turmoil that made my most recent elimination one of awkward deliberation and great pain.

There were nine gentlemen remaining, and I felt confident that I had done away with all of the quitters and schemers. This is not to say that I believed I had removed all sources of potential injury. By way of example, the relationship of the best friends Chi-Chi and Sinister was cause for great concern to me. Naturally, being a lady, I did not want to be the cause of any ill-will between them.

All of this is preparatory to my examination of the events leading to the elimination that still causes me such turmoil.

Things began innocently enough, when I set for my gentlemen a challenge that recognized both my current womanly interest in the musical lifestyle, and my only too recent innocent childhood. The nine remaining gentlemen were put into three groups of three, and charged with creating new, sophisticated versions of nursery-rhyme classics.

As you know, Taylor, my very best friend in the world and daughter of a guitarist for The Steve Miller Band, you were one of the judges of this competition, along with myself and my wise and sage counselor and servant Mr. Rikki Rachtman. The venue was the world-famous Knitting Factory in Hollywood, a wonderful structure in which has taken place some of the most entertaining diversions ever created to while away a weary hour. All of us were duly humbled to be there.

Remember how we gasped with delight and no small amount of scandal as 6 Gauge, Big Rig, and Flex played their version of "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star"? Big Rig walked upon the stage completely nude, save for one unstrategically-placed guitar, and, not to be outdone, 6 Gauge stripped off his pantaloons and shook his banana hammock like I'd never seen before!

Alas, their makeup was such that they had the looks of little children who'd gotten into their mother's vanity. I would clearly have to do something about that!

Next, London, Chi-Chi, and Cage took the stage, and performed their rendition of "Row, Row, Row Your Boat." Their skills were good, and the lyrics quite impressive: "Daisy, Daisy, you're driving me crazy," London sang with his dulcet voice.

Taylor, I know I can confide this in you, for you are my very best friend in the world: London had a hold on me! Oh, I know it's tragic to write this, but it's the undeniable truth!

London had a hold on me!

Finally, Sinister, 12 Pack, and Fox took the stage to perform "Old McDonald." Their skills were also quite impressive- at least, the skills of Sinister and 12 Pack were. Fox, for his part, had very nice hair.

The clear consensus between you and Mr. Rachtman was that Sinister's group of minstrels was the best, and most skilled. As you know, however, I chose to not so much to disregard your advice as to ignore it, and chose London's group as the winners.

Taylor, I say it again: London had a hold on me!


Remember when London threw up in the first episode? No wonder Daisy liked him so much.

I took the three men with me on a motorized tour bus, which drove us to the Gibson Showroom which is, as you know, a museum for very famous musical instruments, played by some of the most famous musicians in the world. Famous people such as your father, Taylor!

Again, I wish to thank you for your wise council in helping me to choose a winning musical team in this challenge.

During the bus ride, ominous intimations attempted to reveal themselves, but my heart would not allow me to open my eyes. Perhaps London's candor beguiled me, I know not. He stumblingly revealed to me the pain of his father's chemical addiction, his kind of homelessness, his couch surfing. Truly, London was a deep man of deep conviction and suffering, and I wanted to hold him, to caress him tenderly and cover him in kisses and tell him that everything would be alright one day, that the world would catch up with him...

London had a hold on me.


Remember when London was so passed out drunk in that first episode that even the insane Flipper was worried about him? No wonder Daisy liked him so much.

Gibson was good enough to provide each of the three winners with brand new Epiphone guitars, prompting more revelation from London. It seemed that he had only recently sold his own instrument, to pay some outstanding debts. This was a true gentlemanly act, to give up the thing you love the most in order to maintain your integrity.

Yes, Taylor, today I am afraid I feel like a guitar.

After a few moments of pleasant diversion with all three men, I chose to spend some alone time with Cage, for up to this point I regret to say I had not spent very much time with him. He revealed to me the source of his great and troubled soul, opening up to me in a very touching way. In fact, his suffering seemed genuine, involving as it did the loss of his parents and his actual, real, and genuine homelessness as a child, and the path that led him to become the cage fighter I know and cherish today.

London had a hold on me, Taylor.

On the ride back, London sensed that I was not giving him the proper attention and respect due a gentleman. "If you don't like me, send me home!" he said. "I will help you pack, if that's what you want," I replied. "My name is Joshua Lee, not London. I am a real person," he said. As if somehow giving him a clever nickname was meant in any way to diminish his personhood.

He went on to add, "And I'm not even from London."


Remember in the second episode, when London wrote a song for Daisy consisting of two lines, one of which was plagiarized from Daisy's myspace page, and he lost the challenge and was forced to do a granny lapdance? No wonder Daisy liked him so much.

Even as we shared this argument, I understood that the reason we fought was because we care so much. Later, we shared tender kisses as I asked- no, Taylor, I am ashamed to say I begged London to stay, and to not make me cry.

The next day I sent 6 Gauge, Flex, and Big Rig to receive a real rock and roll makeover. To my mind, they had lost the previous day's challenge, and this was actually intended as punishment. If you'd stayed on at the estate and seen them when they returned, you would have seen just how comical they looked, Taylor. Oh, it was all I could do to keep from laughing.

While the three men were away, I spent time with the remaining six playing at Truth or Dare. You know how much I love that game, Taylor. Remember when we were but small children, the games we would play together, daring at kissing boys and each other, demanding to hear the truth from each other about our darkest emotions and desires? This game rivaled those for pure sensibility. I learned, for instance, that Chi-Chi looks up to and admires his good friend Sinister. I learned that 12 Pack can beat Cage at arm wrestling. And I learned that London does not like to answer questions about the circumstances of his current couch surfing situation.

He stormed out of the room, leaving me with the five remaining gentlemen, and the hold he had over me.

Immediately before the elimination ceremony, I again engaged the council of the wise Mr. Rachtman. After all, how could I ignore his council if I hadn't heard it? In terms most vehement he insisted that London was exactly the type of gentleman to be avoided. He is a drunk loser, he insisted. He cannot make a commitment. He is selfish. He is of questionable moral character.

Alas, none of Mr. Rachtman's advice took into account the most important aspect of London's character: The hold he had over me.


Remember in the third episode, when London tried to make his ridiculous hair look good? Okay, this one's not so bad- I can't really remember anything he did in the third episode. No wonder Daisy liked him so much.

Following the talk with Mr. Rachtman, I stole away to London's quarters and, between tender kisses, I told him that I would offer him a star and chain, as an invitation to remain with me at the estate. I only hoped he would accept it.

I can reveal now, Taylor, my dear friend, that when I finally did offer London his chain, he revealed the inner workings of his own heart. "I cannot fake it," he said. "It shouldn't be this hard, this early. I cannot accept this chain."

I left him standing there, my eyes full of tears, barely able to gasp out, "It makes me feel like I'm not good enough!" as I ran from the greatroom.

I was so overcome by my sensibility that I forgot Sinister, Fox, and 6 Gauge hadn't yet received their stars and chains. Sinister should be used to being forgotten by now, being as I left him alone in our private booth last week. But the other two certainly expected better.

London left the estate, but I have to wonder if he might some day return?

He has a hold on me.

Thank you for reading this, Taylor. I remain forever with respectful compliments your well-wisher and friend,

DAISY DE LA HOYA


Actually, I just thought of something he did in the third episode: Remember how in the third episode London made out with Daisy a couple of times, and then in this episode he acted like a belligerent, spoiled, entitled prick? No wonder Daisy liked him so much.

London first ep pics source.
London second ep pic source.
London third episode pics source.

The Real "Angels & Demons" Controversy

There is a film opening on Friday, directed by Ron Howard and starring Tom Hanks. You might have heard of it. It's based on a book by Dan Brown, author of The DaVinci Code. Does that ring a bell? It is surrounded by "controversy": For starters, because of the film's subject matter, the Vatican wouldn't let the filmmakers shoot in their churches. Some Catholics are angry about how the film portrays the leaders of their religion. There are those who are upset that a villain from book is not Muslim in the film, as he apparently is in the book.

The film, of course, is "Angels & Demons." And all of these complainers, all of these "controversies" distract from the truly offensive aspect of this film.

There is an ampersand in the middle of the title.

I have already written quite eloquently on why I despise ampersands, the most offensive and lazy of punctuation symbols. Only just last month we were subjected to something called "Fast Ampersand Furious," and now we have the dread of facing "Angels Ampersand Demons."

When, oh tell me when, will the ampersands of time finally run out?

The problem apparently begins with the title of the novel itself. It is indeed "Angels Ampersand Demons." I have no idea how long the book is, but it's a novel, which typically contains at least 30,000 words or so. I did read "The DaVinci Code" a few years ago, so I can tell you that Dan Brown is not without some talent as a writer, and as much as he strove to make every word count, doing away with as much exposition as possible in order to make the story "flow," he did not replace all the "ands" in his book with "&s."

Why, then, does anyone believe it's alright to do so with the title? Of a novel, for crying out loud?

"Sorry, three words is just one too many. This title needs to breeze by as quickly as possible. You've got the 'angels' in there, and the 'demons.' Those are both good words- very eye-catching. Because they're generally considered to be antonyms, and people like that juxtaposition. But we can't just call it 'Angels Demons'; we need something between them... something like 'and,' but not 'and.' Maybe a 'slash' mark? No- that implies the 'angels' and 'demons' are the same, or they could be the same. We're looking for juxtaposition, not dichotomy. Wait a second-- I've got it! We'll put that little squiggly line in there! People love that thing, and it'll still keep our official word count down to two!"

I'm sure the character Hanks plays is simply in too big a hurry to write out the full word "and." That is fine. But the filmmakers, and honestly the novel's author, have a moral obligation to viewers and readers to write out the "and" for him.


Tom Hanks stars as a man in a desperate quest to find the word "and" in the film "Angels & Demons."

Angles & Demons pic source.

Charm School 3 Episode 1: The Real Star is Jack Daniels

Can we be honest for a moment? My man JD is the real star of "Charm School." It's only too bad he can't host- but they could at least make him a dean.

"I Love Money" is far and away VH1's best reality franchise. I've joked that it's the greatest show of all time, but that sentiment is only the mildest hyperbole. I Love Money strips away all the artifice of reality shows by opening flaunting the characters' reasons for appearing. There are ultimately two reasons to appear on such programs: for fame, and money. It's not for "love" (although sex is apparently often a fringe benefit). And it's certainly not for "self improvement." We know this because the reality shows, especially those on VH1, are put together in such a way as to highlight the most boorish and disturbing behavior. We know this because the casts consist primarily of those in "entertainment" (usually strippers and/or pornographic film performers). What "I Love Money" does is supremely honest. Moreover, it has negated the need for reality show parodies. Once the artifice is stripped away, what's left to take the piss out of?

It makes me happy to watch it. It makes me feel good.

By contrast, the "Charm School" franchise is nothing but artifice. It's even more artificial than the programs in which our characters are supposedly looking for "love." The premise is that contestants from the "Of Love" shows are thrown together in a phony "finishing school" setting and taught how to be more "charming." The contestants selected are the worst, the most violent, the most trampy, the least considerate of others' feelings, because they need the most help. Supposedly. You and I, the viewers, know what's really going on.

We expect these women to behave in totally reprehensible ways. We expect to delight in this behavior. We do not expect them to learn anything. In fact, if they do, then they are frankly too dull to continue, and must be eliminated.

How serious are the producers about turning these contestants into "charming" young women? Well, the host and headmistress this season is Ricki Lake. Aside from her very charming first name and a delightful turn in John Waters' best movie "Hairspray," there's very little else that I find "charming" about her. Not that I have anything against her, either. She seems like an engaging enough person, but as she herself points out in the first episode, most of the viewers probably know her from her television talk show, which aired for 11 years.


Ricki Lake displayed real charm as Tracy Turnblad in John Waters' Hairspray. Hosting the third season of "Charm School" is now the second best thing she's ever done.

Think about that for a minute. Ricki Lake's show was on the air for 11 years. Do you remember anything about her show? It managed to be both deadly dull and trashy. No mean feat. Notwithstanding Marcia's touching admission that she learned to speak English by watching the show, I can't think of anything her show accomplished in 11 years.

And I use the word "accomplished" as loosely as this show uses the word "charm." Jerry Springer, for instance, accomplished the feat of creating one of the most fascinating and tragic television shows of all time.

Anyway, the one girl that Ricki deems has done the best to improve herself will win $100K. Really, who is Ricki Lake to decide that? She has a lot of power- one hopes she exercises it wisely. If I could remember anything about her talk show, I might be in a better position to judge this.

Brittanya tells us that she is "in freakin' in a lot of trouble with the law," and the $100K will help her pay for her lawyer, and save her life. Another quality of the VH1 reality contestant is that s/he seems to be often in trouble with the law. But this points up another problem with the show: How "sincere" are these characters in their desires to improve? To, in the words of So Hood, reach "the highest point of charmidity"?


Hard to believe that Brittanya, who spit on our beloved Heather from season 1 of Rock of Love, would be in trouble with the law.

One of the contestants, Ashley, said during the Rock of Love Bus reunion, that she and Farrah were trying to create drama to create an entertaining show. Can we trust anything she does on this show?

Then there's Beverly, mother to three children that must be traumatized, who wastes no time in getting drunk, and getting into a fight with Brittaney, the former pornographic film actress who stole socks and food during her tenure on Rock of Love Bus. Brittaney points out that Beverly might not be the best mother in the world, which causes no end of offense to Beverly.

"Brittaney Starr, the porn star, who does not have children, she's going to pass judgment on me as a parent...Wow. She. Needs to f*cking check herself at the door. Because I will light her up."

Spoken like a good mother. A good mother who goes on reality shows and gets drunk, shoves porn stars, and generally makes an ass of herself. I don't care what Beverly says, Brittany has had the sense to not procreate yet- she's already way ahead of you.

And now do you see the problem with this show? It's only a few minutes in and I'm already passing judgment on these women. These women who are willing to degrade and debase themselves for my own amusement. There is no greater sacrifice anyone can make.

Oh, except being a good parent to your children. That's probably better.

Bay Bay Bay points out that "the Rock of Love girls cannot control themselves and cannot control their anger." We certainly hope not. And we hope the Real Chance of Love girls can't, either.


Hopefully, Ashley and Farrah can parlay their "Charm School" success into personal appearances in bigger cities than Peoria Illinois (no offense, Peoria, but I've been there, and it ain't exactly Cleveland).

During the "pin ceremony," the girls are forced to show their charmingly giving sides by donating to Out of the Closet (which has some great thrift stores in LA). The hosts of Real Chance of Love (Lala) and Loveline (Stryker) are the deans. The Loveline host, Stryker, tells the women they're hot on the outside, but ugly on the inside, which seems an exceedingly uncharming thing to say to a woman to her face.

Ricki Lake tells the women that the first commandment is the vague "Thou Shalt Aspire to Be Charming." Well, yes, that's the point of the show, isn't it? It's called "Charm School," which implies aspiration ("school") to be charming ("charm").

When Ricki Lake asks them why they're there, and what they feel they need to work on, the reasons include excessive drinking, not giving a sh*t about anything, outspokenness, impatience, holding it all in, being hated, lack of class and manners and self-respect.

As Brittaney is making her donation, Stryker chastises her over her pornography past, and Brittaney mentions that she was not just a star, but a producer and director as well, who sought to empower her female employees. Ricki Lake interviews that "there are a lot of things that I would think would be empowering for women...directing porn; not one of them." Here's another problem with the show. One person's empowerment is another's tragic mistake, I suppose. Well, how about this:

"There are a lot of things that I would think would be empowering for women...hosting a daytime talk show for 11 years; not one of them."

Sting! How does that feel, Ricki Lake? Sucks to be you right now, right?

Which exposes the real reason for the exercise: The hosts get a chance to purse their lips and look askance at the women based on their stated reasons for being at the charm school, and their donated (stripper) clothes. Yes, they're strippers.

Further evidence of the lack of sincerity on the part of the producers: Immediately after the donations, the women are sent out on a "mixer," at which large quantities of alcohol are made available. On I Love Money this is all well and good. The stated aim of the show is not self-improvement. But making alcohol available to women who have just told you five minutes before that they have problems with self control and with the consumption of alcohol is, well, it's almost I hate to say it hypocritical.

Beverly picks a fight with Brittaney. "Brittaney needs to be smacked upside her big ass fake blond head." Beverly has been drinking. As she told Ricki Lake and the deans, "I have a problem with drinking." Beverly physically attacks Brittaney, bringing out the producers to pull her away, and causing Farrah and Ashley to titter.

As Ricki Lake says: "Physical violence will not be tolerated at 'Charm School.'" You see, they have standards. How can these women improve themselves if they're worried for their physical safety? She's expelled on the spot.

Beverly says: "I'm feeling a little bit bad because I don't want my kids at all to have to regret anything that I have done." She staggers out the door and off the show, losing out on the chance at $100K, learning absolutely nothing. Good riddance, you judgmental lout.


Bitter, angry, violent, judgmental, irrational, drunk. One would have thought that Beverly had what it took to go all the way in Charm School. Oh well- at least her children get to have their mother back again.

"Justice was served."

Later, the girls spend time with Ricki one-on-one.

Bubbles is my favorite: "I want to do cartoon voices." That is an awesome goal. There's nothing sexier than a woman who does cartoon voices.


Bubbles wants to do cartoon voices which means from now on I will never write anything even remotely derogatory about her. What a sweet angel!

"It's pretty shocking how a lot of these young girls are. And they're willing to kind of throw up on you in order to stay in this school," Ricki says during a one-on-one montage. Ricki: That is the point of the show. They're supposed to be honest about themselves, right?

Dean's List:

KO
Baybaybay
Risky
Bubbles
Natasha
Farrah

The other girls get sent to detention with Stryker, which is like being punished twice. They have to vote on which girls they think need to sent home. Brittaney, being the target of much irrational anger, gets three votes. Gia, too drunk even to write, also gets three votes. And then votes for Ashley.

After Ashley defended her, too. I suspect that Ashley, no stranger to drink, was victimized by Gia's excessive alcohol intake. Judgmental Ricki says Gia is clearly drunk and Brittaney's clearly a kook.

Well, Ricki, I think that any woman who hosted a daytime talk show for 11 years is clearly a kook, too? How do you like that?

Sting again!

I guess charm school headmistresses should be judgmental. That might be part of the job description.

Gia is expelled, and walks swayingly out the door, to throw a tantrum in the street, removing her shirt and throwing- beer bottles? "She needed more help than Charm School was able to give her."

Ricki, all these women do. Again, that's the point of the show.


Hot, drunk, removing her top, smoking, shouting vituperations, throwing shoes. Gia, call me.

Ricki Lake Hairspray pic source.
Beverly pic source.
Gia pic source.
Bubbles pic source.
JD pic source.
Blondourage pic source.
Brittanya pic source.

Plastic Man Under The Nefarious Influence of Marijuana

I highly recommend the DC Archives Plastic Man series. Almost from Plas' beginnings in 1941, Jack Cole displayed a real cleverness in the artwork and stories, mixing humor, cartoonish violence, and downright wackiness to create something that was unlike anything that had come before in comic books. Plastic Man was a sort of cross between Batman and Bugs Bunny.

So I'm (re)reading the first Plastic Man Archives when I get to page 45. In the story, Plastic Man is taking on a "gang of Amazonian racketeers...women of abnormal physical development bent on a city-wide protection shakedown," led by the rotten Madam Brawn. They get the best of Plas and knock him out, then rearrange his malleable features so that he resembles a wanted criminal named Eel O'Brian (ironically, Eel O'Brian is Plas' secret identity), and then feed him some reefers. The result is a giggling, dope-crazed mess who fires his gun at random as he races through the city streets:



At the time, the prevailing attitude toward marijuana was that a few puffs would send you into a crazed killing frenzy. There was a lot of propaganda released around the time that told you so. Movies and books like Devil's Harvest, Marihuana, Marijuana Girl, and of course Reefer Madness (following the RM link will take you to a video of the movie) dramatically showed the unvarnished prevailing "truth" about what happens when you take only a few puffs.






Now, of course, the prevailing attitude in popular culture is that smoking pot makes you laid back and mellow. You might get the munchies, but that's about as bad as the effects might be. It's true that the government still tries to scare people about marijuana, but the propaganda is so ineffective that now mainstream politicians are openly talking about its legalization. (But not the president- when asked about it recently he laughed like a schoolgirl and made infantile jokes. Meanwhile, Charlie Lynch, who ran a medical marijuana dispensary that was legal under California law is sitting in prison awaiting sentencing on his conviction under federal drug laws.)

My point is that for the most part, attitudes about marijuana are different now than they were sixty years ago. Being of a live-and-let-live attitude I think this is a good thing. But it got me wondering about prevailing attitudes now, and what citizens of the future might think of them. For instance, everyone knows about "roid rage," and how if you use steroids you'll be driven to commit insane acts of random violence.

Except, well, maybe not:

Experts like Dr. Gary Wadler at the World Anti-Doping Agency have testified before Congress, saying steroids pose a serious problem because the "threat is dying, the threat is suicide." And at a congressional hearing in March 2005 Rep. Elijah Cummings, D-Md., called steroid use "a serious public health problem."

That's what we're often told by the media, too, in stories warning about "'roid rage" and supposed deaths by steroids. CNN's Nancy Grace once said steroids cause an "almost superhuman rage." But University of Wisconsin bioethicist Norman Fost says "the horror stories about the medical claims, some of them are just frankly made up."

So how long will it be before we look back at the roid rage stories and laugh at how stupid and naive everyone was to just blindly accept the "facts" about a substance that's relatively harmless, even helpful?

By the way, here's how Plas acts after the effects of the demon reefer weed have worn off:



As if in a fit of roid rage, Plas punches the gangster frail in the face, and she's sent reeling backward, where she lands on a rather conveniently-placed spike, and dies for crying out loud. That's just brutal.


Marihuana pic source.
Devil's Harvest pic source.
Marijuana Girl book cover pic source.
Reefer Madness pic source.

Jane Auten's Daisy of Love Chapter 3

Chapter 3

The gentlemen, ensconced in their dormitory rooms, dreamed of Daisy's ample charms. From figure-enhancing outfits of high leather boots, short petticoats and half-bodices to daringly provocative but of course modest and demure swimming attire, she was the inspiration for many a fantasy. Happily, each gentlemen had laid in a supply of creams and lotions to assist in their wondrous journey to Daisy's heart.

As lovely as the gentlemens' time had been, their focus was on Daisy, and on her true romantic intentions. To that end, troubled discussions had begun about one of their number. Brooklyn's status was still much in doubt, owing to the fact that he still had a girlfriend back in the old country. Or, perhaps, his girlfriend was an ex girlfriend. Regardless, the controversy was a distraction.

To Flex, 12 Pack said, "A gentleman would step down in the race for Daisy's affections." He said his words with downcast eyes and a heavy heart. 12 Pack was a true gentleman and wanted nothing more than for Daisy to find the right man for her. He believed himself to be that man, but if he was not, then he would accept her decision.

But he wanted her to have the most gentlemen to choose from. And he did not want to see any of the gentlemen leave under a cloud.

"What I cannot abide," 12 Pack continued, a newfound fire in his eyes, "is a man who lies to a woman. I become highly agitated in such situations."

"You are not alone in this feeling," Flex replied. "Every true gentleman feels exactly the same way."

Sinister found himself unable to contain his irritation: "I know that her manservant Mr. Rachtman sees through Brooklyn's schemes- what kind of man communicates with an ex-girlfriend while at a woman's estate? Why can't Daisy see through this man?"

Brooklyn awoke from a troubled sleep with an uneasy feeling. His conscience had been much bothered by Daisy's kindness of the previous evening. He found himself questioning whether he deserved to remain.

The feeling of unease at the estate was palpable, and no doubt added to Brooklyn's mental anguish. His desire was to find a true love, and hoped that dangerous happenings from his past would not sabotage his current endeavors.

The mood was lightened considerably by the appearance of a letter, written in Daisy's fine and delicate hand:

Gentlemen,
As you all know, I am made of most delicate material, and my heart needs protection. Mine has been a troubled life thus far, and to be honest, I expect my life to continue in this same, troubling manner. It's my sincere hope that a gentleman will come along and offer me protection from any advancing threat, whether from the elements, from unworthy male relatives seeking to displace me from my inheritance, or from firearms of some sort. Also, it's entirely possible I might suffer from exhaustion brought on by excessive drink.
I look forward to seeing you all soon,
Daisy


This is the prize awaiting the winner of Daisy of Love.

The gentlemen signaled their approval by applause. Each of them loaded into the motorized Hummer vehicle and were taken to a place far from the estate, to a large field. Daisy and Mr. Rachtman met the gentlemen.

Daisy was a vision, smartly dressed in casual attire and a hat to keep her delicate alabaster-and-ink skin from the harming rays of the sun.

"Gentlemen!" Mr. Rachtman announced. "Today you will be divided into teams of four, and charged with delivering a most precious cargo to appointed destinations! That cargo is the mannikined representations of Daisy you see aligned before you. The destinations will be placed along the relay you see here in this field-"

Indeed the gentlemen surveyed the area and discovered the complicated relay maze that began with a limousine and red carpet, leading to a velvet rope. From the velvet rope, another team member would take "Daisy" to a stage door. Two other gentlemen would take her back from the stage door to the velvet rope and then to the limousine. The intention was that the "Daisy" would be so taken in a manner as to leave her fully protected from any hostile elements, be they natural or man-made.

"The team that brings back their 'Daisy' with the least damage, wins a most romantical date with their one true love!"

The gentlemen barely had time to voice their approval of this most delightful news when Mr. Rachtman continued:

"Beware, however, that you are not shot by the ball-paint gun wielding men who shall menace you at points all along the relay!"

Five bemasked men in black walked with a cruel and arrogant gait toward the unwitting gentlemen. Each was taken aback, feeling intimidation and no small amount of fear, despite themselves.

"I must let my ardor for Daisy inspire me!" they thought, seeking to tamp down their rising negative emotions.

The gentlemen then picked teams, schoolyard style. Brooklyn was chosen last, and begrudgingly so. None of the gentlemen considered Brooklyn a true and virtuous rival for Daisy's affections. Brooklyn found himself sympathetic to their plight.

As they donned their relay attire, Daisy eyed each of the men. Some appeared to her to have the disturbingly attractive look of a hardened prisoner, and she found her rapacious desires for them growing to what she feared was an unhealthy degree for a lady such as herself.

"Control yourself!" Daisy thought. "I am not a lady to be given over to such an open showing of emotion. I must show less sensibility than this!"

Under a hail of small balls of paint and small balls of pain, each of the gentlemen carried his "Daisy" across the field of battle. Screaming in pain and anger, and intimated frustration. These were gentlemen more suited to pursuits of a more gentlemanly or romantic nature, such as long walks on country estates, games of whist, and wooing. Never before had any of these gentlemen had to engage in such endeavors, and it showed. Some of the gentlemen even used their "Daisy" as a shield against the hail of paintballs that besieged them.

As difficult as was the endeavor, Daisy could not contain her pride in the efforts of the gathered gentlemen. For all their faults in pursuit of the relay, she could see that each of them had done his best to show her the true depths of his emotions for her in this most effective test of their love.

"Each of you did wonderfully to show how you would protect me from the difficulties of modern life," Daisy explained. "In the end, one team showed me just a bit more- the black team of Sinister, Chi-Chi, 12 Pack, and London!"

The gentlemen of the black team celebrated raucously, and the mood of everyone lightened considerably when Daisy revealed that the four-on-one date would take place on the morrow, for tonight she would be taking everyone out to a special dance!

But again, their revelry did not last long, for Brooklyn raised his hand and asked for everyone's kind attention.

"Daisy," he began, haltingly. "This is one of the most difficult things I've ever had to tell anyone. You are a beauty most rare and lovely. You are a wonderful kind spirit and have a soul like the soul of a green-eyed bird, soaring into the heavens. You see how you inspire in me poetry, and love. But alas, my heart belongs to another, and as I think on it, I've come to realize that to remain with you in the estate would be a disservice not only to you, but to these other gentlemen I've come to admire and respect."

Daisy was too flabbergasted to speak, for a moment. She stood in a daze, listening to the sound of her own heart as it fluttered softly, and then, slowly, broke.

Mr. Rachtman stepped forward. "Kind sir, I appreciate that you've offered us this honest assessment of your feelings. However, I must admit I find it a bit curious that you've chosen to explain this to us now, and not yesterday, or even before accepting Daisy's gracious offer to stay at her estate."

"I have made a mistake, and I again want to offer my condolences."

"Very well," Daisy said. "I wish you all the best in your future endeavors."

With that, Daisy took her place with the other gentlemen in the Hummer, leaving Brooklyn to wonder what might have been, if only his heart hadn't belonged to another. If only he could have forgotten her tender embrace...

Back at the estate, the men spent hours preparing their clothing and accoutrement for a wonderful evening with their beloved. Like the peacock dazzles with his elegant plumage, so too did the gentlemen seek to attract Daisy's attentions with the heavy applications of makeup, pomade, and clothing of the most modern of styles. The process of the creation of the gentlemanly look was a long and arduous, but ultimately deeply rewarding one.

Upon completion, the gentlemen looked even more elegant and lovely than before.

"No gentlemen have ever appeared so wonderful as you gentlemen do on this night," Daisy said.

This relatively meager display of interest from their beloved was enough to inspire the gentlemen to ever more bold displays of affection toward her, from long, lingering conversation escalating to romantic kisses of a most indiscreet nature.

"I love to have gentlemen fight over me," Daisy confided to herself. "Even as I chastise myself for my overt sensibility!"

Nevertheless, from the corner of her eye she noted that Fox, the most beautiful of all the gentlemen, stood away from the others, aloof, as he surveyed the scene.

"Fox," Daisy said, catching his attention. "Are you dissatisfied with the dance this evening?"

"Not at all," Fox said, taking a drink. "I am enjoying myself."

"Why then are you not demonstrating this?"

"Please do not concern yourself with my feelings. Tonight is your night, and you seem to be quite noticeably occupied with the attentions of all the other gentlemen."

She eyed him skeptically. "Do you not worry, sir, that your inattention to me this evening might be construed as a lack of interest?"

"How could you not be interested in me?" Fox asked, alarmed.

"This is 'Daisy of Love,' not 'Fox of Love,'" Daisy clarified.

"I should do well to remember that?" Fox asked, raising an eyebrow.

Daisy sighed. She was not sure exactly what to make of the aloof but undeniably attractive Fox. "You would indeed," she said, turning her back to him and returning to the other gentlemen.


Fox has a very high opinion of himself. Looking at this picture, I'm having a hard time understanding why. Maybe he's really smart or something.

Mr. Rachtman, worried about Cable Guy's chances with Daisy, advised him to be more demonstrative with his emotions. Cable Guy was not interested in such a thing.

Sinister, the winner of alone time with Daisy, waited patiently for her to return. She never did, leaving the club without returning to their private booth. This lack of attention was a most unladylike act, so out of character for Daisy that she herself actually took no notice of it.


Sinister looks like a creepy guy, but really he's sensitive. And by sensitive, I mean doormat.

Upon returning to the estate, the gentlemen engaged in good-natured shenanigans which took an unfortunate turn when Tool Box became inebriated.

"I fear that as a gentleman I must confide to you that I have yet to feel any real emotion for the lovely Daisy," he explained to Flex. "She is a most wonderful young woman, but I wonder if she and I are good for one another."

This is a most curious admission, Flex thought. I shall make sure that Daisy hears about this.

"I understand," Flex said.

"I appreciate your understanding," Tool Box said.

The next day, Daisy took the winning members of the black team for their four-on-one alone date. Her body already covered in lovely and very ladylike tattoos, she decided their time would involved body painting. This was a lovely excuse for Daisy to see the gentlemen in potentially scandalous states of undress, and to help the gentlemen remove some of the armor they've placed around themselves, owing to the years of unsatisfying romantic entanglements each has to deal with.

"I have been hurt," 12 Pack told her, as she gently stroked his chest with a paintbrush.

"You cannot let your hurt define you," Daisy explained, as they shared a tender embrace and a small peck on the cheek.

To Sinister, Daisy expressed her heartfelt regret over forgetting that she'd left him alone in the VIP area the night before. "Oopsies," she said.

"I appreciate the sincerity of your regret," Sinister said, smiling. "Whether you'd apologized or not, it is impossible for a man to remain angry with one so wonderful and delicate as you."

"Then let us embrace tenderly and kiss chastely."

They did.

"Your mere presence is making me very excited," Chi-Chi said. "You are wonderful." They kissed chastely.

Finally she was alone with London, and the two spent the time getting to know one another.

"I have made mistakes in my life," London explained. "My heart is wounded."

"But it's okay to make mistakes," Daisy explained, offering him the benefit of her own life experience. "It gives us room to grow."

They embraced tenderly and their soft kisses were chaste.

Oh, my, Daisy thought. Each of these gentlemen could be the one to offer me true love.

Later she entered the greatroom where the gentlemen were engaged in gentlemanly pursuits, discussing local politics and landholdings. Daisy entered the discussion until she was interrupted by the overtures of Cable Guy.

"Perhaps you'd like to have a word with me outside?" Daisy asked.

"Indeed that would be most agreeable," Cable Guy agreed.

Outside, the air was crisp and cool, the moon was high but faded against the smoke that wafted from the city below them. Cable Guy took a deep breath, as if to steel himself, and he began: "I am ordinarily a man not given over to demonstrations of love. I am, you might say, a shy man."

"I too am shy," Daisy confided. "This is a situation to which I am ill-suited."

"I agree."

"Then let that be the beginning of our connection," Daisy said.

"Your mind is as wonderful as your body," he said.

"I love your honesty."

From Tool Box she received a lap dance. Among his moves were the bump and grind and the robot.

"You're behaving in a manner most ungentlemanly!"

With Flex, Daisy could laugh, and did.

With Fox, Daisy was still a bit unsure.

There was much trepidation for all the gentlemen on the night of the elimination. Daisy passed out stars to each of her favorite gentlemen, with Flex receiving the first chain. The second went to the forgotten Sinister. Third went to London, the bad boy plagiarist. 6 Gauge, 12 Pack, Big Rig, Cage, Chi-Chi, and Fox got the next stars.

"But, Fox, I want to offer you this warning: I appreciate a man with confidence. I deplore a man with cockiness."

"I understand, gentle lady, and I assure you that I shall endeavor to show you the truth of who I really am."

Finally, Cable Guy and Tool Box remained. Tool Box was shocked- after his lap dance, how could she resist him? Cable Guy was nervous- after their heartfelt talk, how could she resist him?

The final star was not for Cable Guy. "You seem unable to take a risk, and I doubt your ability to keep up with me."


Cable Guy was too shy to win Daisy's heart. He said he could be there for her sometime on Tuesday between noon and four, but that was as specific as he was willing to get.

Flex spoke up: "Daisy, I worry for your heart. Tool Box does not have true feelings for you."

"Do you want to be here, Tool Box?" Daisy asked.

"I'm just not that person," Tool Box said. "I want you to know that you're a wonderful, delightful woman, but unfortunately I'm not looking for a wonderful, delightful woman. I am looking for a woman who is unladylike and promiscuous."

"Well, I appreciate your honesty. Please take your leave."


Tool Box could commit to a lapdance, but not to Daisy's heart. Too bad, he seemed like a real winner.

Daisy stood with dignity, betraying none of the deep emotions she felt, while Tool Box left the room. Finally, she was unable to prevent tears from coming.

"I hope you gentlemen will excuse me for a moment. My sensibilities are running high," she said, as she, too, left the room.

Despite myself, I cannot help but wonder if these gentlemen are really at the estate for me. The experience with Brooklyn had shaken her to her core. Could she really trust her own feelings? Could she trust theirs?

The gentlemen could be sure that Daisy's intentions were true, and the potential for heartbreak was very real.

Cable Guy pic source.
Tool Box pic source.
Fox pic source.
Sinister pic source.
Daisy de la Hoya pic source.

I Love Money 2 Reunion: Give It and Tailor Made Their Own Show!

The reunion is necessary for those of us who are going through painful withdrawals. Even now, there's still a part of me that fully expects to see another episode of "I Love Money" tomorrow. A brand new episode with Tailor Made, It, Saaphyri, Prancer, and of course Myammee. Instead, there's just--

--well, there's today's reunion show. And after that, it's time to grow up, be a man and stop pining away for a television show. Even if it is the greatest show of all time.

As the program opens I'm wondering, Who does Craig's wardrobe? His faux leather Road Warrior coat isn't exactly flattering. Still, it would take a lot to make him look bad, and somehow he pulls it off.

First, the contestants are introduced. Not everyone made it to the reunion- noticeably absent are Saaphyri, who is apparently in prison, and the first woman who was eliminated, whose name escapes me at the moment but whose elimination was particularly memorable owing to the fact that she came across as slightly less intelligent than It.


Tamara was the first to leave. Sorry I couldn't remember her name, but her meltdown was pretty memorable.

And even some who have deigned to return don't look quite the same. Prancer's hair is darker and her breasts larger, and of course Becky Buckwild looks more like her publicity photos- oh wow.

Angelique shames everyone by speaking perfect French when Craig brings her on stage. This is something to keep in mind- the producers had a lot of fun with "Frenchy's" accent, but she actually has quite a firm grasp of the English language. Her English is certainly better (bettair) than my French or Spanish. She was also physically strong and a good strategizer. So her accent is thick? So she's a stripper? So she makes porn? Those are all good qualities as far as I'm concerned. Think of how much joy she brings people, just by taking off her clothes.

Her assertion that everyone but Saaphyri and Myammee were snakes and cheaters doesn't quite jibe with what we saw on the show, but what can you do?

Prancer makes a good point about "karma." Generally when people start talking about karma I just kind of zone out- it doesn't exist and it's immeasurable and inscrutable if it does. Angelique's assertions that she has good karma that will take out your negative karma is fine for her, I guess, but when Prancer gets into she asks her if karma had anything to do with Angelique's interesting plastic surgery look (Wanda from "In Living Color").


No, Angelique does not look like Wanda from In Living Color.

Angelique spent $10K on her breast enhancement? Also, Angelique repeats the idea that Prancer looks like a turtle (Becky Buckwild leveled the same accusation at her in a previous episode). I just don't see it.


Angelique spent $10K on those breasts, and TMZ puts stars over them? Some very, very dirty pictures of Angelique can be found here. You can watch an interview in which she discusses doing porn here.

One feels bad for Angelique, considering she couldn't use her "vibro." Craig gives Angelique a chance to hit on 20 Pack one last time, but Angelique explains she's over him, and has a boyfriend in Vegas. Good for her. I have no idea who her "boyfriend" is, but I guarantee he's a better catch than 20 Pack. For his part, 20 Pack claims to have a crush on Brittanya from Rock of Love Bus. This is a clear and bald-faced attempt to get his own show with her. No one's buying it (I hope).


Affairs of the heart can be messy. Leilene knows this now. You can see her nude here.

The almost tragic Leilene is up next. She was unable to control her emotions- seeming to fall in love with everyone. As Saaphyri said, "This is I Love Money, not I Love Love." But she looks hot, in nothing but a long t-shirt.

Wait- Leilene's boyfriend in the UK dumped her because he found out she was on a reality show? Wow- what a capital-L Loser. I demand that all my romantic partners at least try out for reality shows.

Heat has Backstreet Boys on his iPod. Leilene likes that. (Leilene, I have Richard Thomspon signing a Britney Spears song on my iPod- will that do?) There follow some Heat highlights- too few. He's almost a genius, able to create his own words like "betrayded" and "vindiction." And put away copious amounts of alcohol. But again, it's impossible to ignore the fact that he was eliminated by Frank the Entertainer. One loses any claims for "mental" with that.

Leilene is genuine, but she's got to "capture her soul," as the eloquent Heat puts it. Very strong mentals. Craig ruins an otherwise touching moment by telling her that she's not found love with Buddha and Heat, but she has found two friends and mentors. Yes, Heat and Buddha are "mentors." One of my favorite of Craig's qualities is his dry wit, but this might have been a little too mean for my taste.

The irritating mental slug Frank the Entertainer takes the stage. Frank and Heat sitting there in their chairs have three IQ digits between them. Heat says he's not vindictive about Frank's eliminating him, which is only further proof of his low intelligence. Frank says "I had to do what I had to do," regarding his elimination of Heat, but that's a lie. Frank didn't have to eliminate Heat at all- he could have eliminated Becky Buckwild and had 20 Pack and Heat working for him. Of course I'm glad he didn't eliminate Becky.


I didn't want to post any more pics of that walking irritant Frank the Entertainer, or of the questionable Heat, so here's a picture of I Love Money 1's Megan and Brandi C making out. Nude pics of Megan can be found here. Links to Brandi C's nude pics and porn can be found here.

Frank might stay in his parents' basement forever. He thinks it's time for him to shine, with a new show set in his parents' basement. Heat makes an impassioned pitch for his own show, featuring women of all races and colors, and his mother. His mother will beat the women, apparently. As much as it pains me to admit this, I would watch at least one episode of a program featuring Heat, with Heat's wheelchair-bound mother beating on a rainbow of lovely women. I might actually pay $19.95 to watch it on pay-per-view.

It. Craig says "you either love him, or you love him." Truer words rarely spoken. It apparently gets lost on his way to the stage. It drank during the challenges. Uses the liquor to calm his nerves to get "focused." His strategy was to lose challenges, and he ended up losing the whole things. "The smartest loser," as Craig dubs him.

Ice says "he's a dumbass." It claims to like to be looked upon as a dumbass, because he's very strategic and analystic. He proves how analystic he is by dancing. Ice is impressed. Ice confides he has a disability, retinitis pigmentosa. Moreover, he opens up about his relationship with Saaphyri. She was the only one who gave him "play." "When we far away from home, we need some sexual attention," he says. "She mad cool though, but she not here right now..." Now would be the time to tell us what happened to Saaphyri, instead, we discover that it has been calling Cali almost every day. Those two deserve each other.

Next up is the Dwight Eisenhower of I Love Money, Tailor Made. He is a real genius. How does he feel about how he played the game? Tailor Made feels he played with integrity, and he did. He looked for people who were "oppressed." Becky Buckwild says, "Everyone you don't remember is in your alliance." Becky's an asshole sometimes. Tailor Made is clever and articulate, with undeniably higher mentals than anyone else on the show- including Craig, probably.


Would you vote for this man for city council? Well, it depends on the city, and it depends on the council.

Tailor Made and It hang out in the 'hood. They just happen to have some footage of themselves hanging out together- with It giving Tailor Made some tips on life in the projects. I sincerely hope that VH1 is watching this. A show with It and Tailor Made. They announce that they're running for city council. Oh my gosh this is the greatest news in history. They coincide really good.

It displays rare eloquence in solving the crisis in the Middle East: "The Jews is throwing stones at the Muslims...they both different but they got a lot in common like they don't eat pork, they wear beards...so they're from both walks of life."

I hope hope hope that they're listening to this man's words. Do they get VH1 in the Gaza Strip?


What about It? Would you vote for It? Would he wear a cape at his campaign stops? Would he use his "black power" to solve our problems?

How much persuading will VH1 need to give these two their own tv show? Come on. Give them their show, dammit.

Next up, winner Myammee. She comes out in lingerie, reminding us why we're glad she won. Oh wow. Why did she wear lingerie? She says she lost one of her bags in transit, and almost all she had was lingerie. It's that ability to "roll with the punches" and "play the hand she was dealt" that got her to the end. Myammee again, graciously, expresses her gratitude to Tailor Made. Tailor Made expresses his happiness that Myammee won.

Myammee's plans for the money: Church, family, student loans, business loans. She's apparently going to start a hair care company or hair styling salon, or something. That's her true calling.

Myammee, some advice: Keep modeling. Lingerie. You're very good at it.


No one had a chance against Myammee. One almost feels sorry for the other contestants.

Tamara pic source.
Leilene pic source.
Angelique topless pic source.
Wanda pic source.
Brandi C and Megan kissing pic source.
Tailor Made pic source.
It pic source.
Myammee etc pic source.

RE: Star Trek- The Rotten Tomatobots Come Out in Force to Protect A Major Summer Motion Picture- and, Should That Be Illegal?

The new Star Trek movie has gotten a lot of positive reviews (it's at 96% on Rotten Tomatoes right this minute), so it must be a very good film, right? If 96% of film critics like something, then it's good, end of discussion, and if you disagree with that then you must by definition be a complete moron who should be put to death.

That's right, put to death you moron. Because you don't care for a movie. Because you wrote an essay detailing exactly why you didn't like said movie. Because you dared to share that essay with the hoi polloi. You're now marked for death.

That sounds a bit extreme, I know, but check out the messages posted under an excerpt from one of the very few negative reviews of Star Trek:








Screenshots of the Rotten Tomatobots' measured and sober reaction to a negative Star Trek review. Taken May 8, 2009.

Perhaps what's even more interesting than the death threats is the idea that somehow disagreeing with the majority opinion about a FILM is automatic proof that there's something wrong with your critical thinking skills. The first posting makes obvious reference to this- because this reviewer is part of the "4%" that posted a negative review, he's automatically stupid. Then there's the assertion that posting a negative review is somehow an attempt to "get attention." This is a rather ironic criticism coming as it does from people who post to message boards. And let's not get started on their attempts to criticize the critic's grammar.

I have always thought that a critic's job is challenge the reader's assumptions. A good critic can look at something in a different, interesting way, and provide greater insight into the work. Whether the review is "positive" or "negative" should be beside the point. But we can learn a lot from a dissenting voice.

It's not- or at least it shouldn't be- part of the critic's job to make the reader feel better about himself.

I wonder about the people who have posted to this message board. Do they think they're fighting the good fight? Protecting the injured summer movie blockbuster from the damaging opinions of the "4%"? When they've posted their death threats, do they feel they've helped effect real change? Are they so unsure of their own opinions that a lone dissenting voice can cause them that much psychic harm?

I don't have any real interest in seeing the new Star Trek movie. I've seen five of the previous films and haven't particularly cared for them. Everything I have to say about Star Trek I've said here. The movie might a rousing good time. But I thought the review in question was thoughtful and well-written. You can read it for yourself here. Obviously, the author's a raving lunatic who's got to be stopped. By the Rotten Tomatobots. (By the way, the title of the author's blog is "Antagony & Ecstasy" which implies a certain, well, antagonism, or opposition. And ecstasy. But let's not start on that ampersand. Anyway I think it's a clever title.)

But the Rotten Tomatobots might be doing more than just behaving in an impolite way. If they're in California, they might soon be breaking the law:

(a) Whoever transmits in interstate or foreign commerce any communication, with the intent to coerce, intimidate, harass or cause substantial emotional distress to a person, using electronic means to support severe, repeated and hostile behavior, shall be fined under this title or imprisoned not more than two years, or both.

This new bill, the "Megan Meier Cyberbullying Prevention Act" introduced by someone called Rep. Linda Sanchez, would effectively make the Rotten Tomatoes comments sections and message boards illegal. I'd say that death threats, and vitriol aimed at dissenting voices intended to get the author to join the majority constitute an "intent to coerce." In that case, who would stand up for the maligned big-budget summer blockbusters? Who would defend the "96%"?

Bonus: Turns out, famous critic Roger Ebert's Star Trek review is lukewarm.

UPDATE a couple of hours later: Star Trek made gobs and gobs of money on Friday. I guess it must be good, if it's so popular.

RE: Daisy de la Hoya 911 Call

TMZ is reporting that Daisy de la Hoya, kind in spirit and gentle by nature, was rushed to a medical facility this very day:

When firefighters and medics came to the house, sources tell us Daisy was acting "crazy" -- yelling, screaming and thrashing around. It took multiple emergency personnel to get Daisy into the ambulance.
...
Hours before the incident, TMZ cameras caught Daisy looking really, really out of sorts on her way out of Les Deux nightclub in Hollywood.

Truly there is something horrible afoot- as viewers of her televised romantic dating program, "Daisy of Love" surely know, Daisy is always a lady most proper. "Acting 'crazy'" is hardly part of her nature, nor is "thrashing around." And as for "looking out of sorts," well, that is certainly not the Daisy that the gentlemen of the world have come to admire.

The ever-vigilant and never-credulous E! Online has offered a statement from Daisy's representative assuring her much troubled admirers that Daisy's ailments were quite minor:

"Daisy was taken to the ER early this morning suffering from delirium as a result of exhaustion," rep Cassandra Grill says. "There was no overdose. She is fine this evening and resting comfortably."

"Delirium" is dreadful business indeed, and Daisy's admirers and suitors are no doubt pleased to hear that she is resting comfortably.


Truly, does this look like the type of lady who would put herself and her ardent suitors through the trauma of the dangerous over consumption of medication? At least she's resting comfortably now.

Pic source.

When It Comes To "The World's Oldest Dog," Poodle Bitch Is Unimpressed.

Poodle Bitch turns her back to you when you mention Chanel, the 21 year old "wiener dog."

A dog that is "almost 21" called "Chanel" has attracted so much attention that she recently appeared with those first-class wits, Matt Lauer and Meredith Vieira, on "The Today Show."

You will excuse Poodle Bitch if she doesn't stand at attention.

The TODAY crew had some fun with ["owner" Denice] Shaughnessy and Chanel, whose wire hair is entirely white with age.

Meredith Vieira joked that now that Chanel’s turning 21, “She can drink whiskey out of a toilet.”

Matt Lauer took advantage of the fact that Chanel is a “wiener dog” to tease Vieira. At the equivalent of 120 years old, he told his co-host, “that makes [Chanel] the oldest hot dog I’ve seen since that barbecue at your place.”

If this is the banter that one gets from watching that "news" program, Poodle Bitch is happy she doesn't rouse herself before nine.

Although Chanel is unfazed by her celebrity, the Shaughnessys’ three grandsons are excited to have a world-record holder in the family.

Poodle Bitch directs readers to the photo of herself looking disdainfully at the "world-record holder." The dog wears sunglasses and a flashy sweater. The dog has certainly let something go to her head. And by the way, Poodle Bitch is dubious about the claims that the dog's cataracts and "chills" necessitate the wearing of such outlandish accoutrement. This dog has gone Hollywood. Poodle Bitch has no problem with that. It is the hypocrisy that she can't stand.

But back to the article:

Impressive as her accomplishment is, Chanel has a way to go to catch the all-time record for canine longevity. The oldest dog ever whose age could be verified was Bluey, an Australian cattle dog that died at the ripe old age of 29 years, 5 months in 1939.

Poodle Bitch laments the fact that we've sunk so low as a culture that the act of not dying is somehow considered an "accomplishment." Especially when we learn that this "world record holder" is not a "world record holder" at all. She is eight and a half years behind the actual record holder.

It is unfair to say that Chanel has accomplished nothing, as tempted as Poodle Bitch is to do so. Poodle Bitch has no doubt that Chanel makes her family very happy (as distasteful as Poodle Bitch finds the use of the word "owner" in describing her human companion). But to claim that Chanel has somehow "accomplished" something, and then to state that she has not accomplished that something, is at best confusing and at worst misleading and insulting.

But it gets worse:

Still, Chanel is undeniably remarkable. At almost 21, she’s in fine fettle, still likes to play, and has just a few physical issues that can be expected at an age that translates to 120 for a human.

The astute reader will note that the author of the article has palpably left undefined Chanel's definition of "play." Moreover, if she is in "fine fettle" then she is by definition healthy in body and spirit. Poodle Bitch has no way of judging Chanel on the latter, but as for the former:

She always wears a sweater or T-shirt when she goes out, even in summer, because she tends to get chilled easily. Chanel also has cataracts and has to wear goggles with tinted lenses to protect her eyes when she goes out. She’s got a bit of a benign tumor on one hind leg, and wears booties to protect the limb.

She also keeps odd hours and gets up in the middle of the night to get a drink, then has to search for her bed. Chanel actually has two doggie beds and alternates nights sleeping in them.

The elderly Chanel has cataracts, gets "chilled easily," has "a bit of a benign tumor" (Poodle Bitch wonders how a tumor can be "a bit benign"- is not the corollary "a bit malignant"?), and wears "booties" (plural) to protect the "limb" (singular). Moreover, poor Chanel is unable to sleep through the night and then cannot find her way back to her bed. Her "owner" has had to provide her with another bed.

Does that sound like a dog "in fine fettle"? Poodle Bitch asks the reader, who is most likely human, to put him- or herself in Chanel's place. Imagine waking in the night, parched, and then after getting a drink being unable to locate your sleeping place.

You: "Well, I've got cataracts, I have to wear a sweater even in the summer, I've got this tumor I'm not quite sure about, and I have to keep it covered all the time. On top of that, when I get out of bed to get some water, I get lost trying to find my goldarn bed. Aside from that, my health's great!"

Poodle Bitch believes it is unlikely one would be happy with such an arrangement, and would hardly be celebrated on a television "news" program.

Does Watching TV Make "Kids" Have Sex Earlier?

There is a new study released by some organization with the sinister-sounding name Children's Hospital Boston that suggests it might.

"Adult entertainment often deals with issues and challenges that adults face, including the complexities of sexual relationships," said David Bickham, PhD, co-author of the study. "Children have neither the life experience nor the brain development to fully differentiate between a reality they are moving toward and a fiction meant solely to entertain. Children learn from media, and when they watch media with sexual references and innuendos, our research suggests they are more likely to engage in sexual activity earlier in life."

To which I say two things: BS, and it's about time.

The amount of time children watch television pales in comparison to the amount of time they're forced to attend school. The government gets these little bastards for eight hours a day, sometimes more, and has been pumping them full of abstinence only propaganda. Propaganda we know does not work. Yet it's still funded- even this year, with president Obama cutting federal funding, we're still spending about $160M on it in 2009.

And people are concerned about the effects on kids of watching television?

We need a positive portrayal of sex on television, to counteract the BS the kids are being fed when they're forced to attend school. Television is fighting the good fight here, and more power to it.

Until schools start teaching promiscuity only sex education, I guess we'll have to settle for seeing it on TV. It's better than nothing, I guess.

Spam Emails Seem Swank When Done in French

Today I received the following spam email:

FELICITATION HEUREUX LAUREAT DE LA PROMOTION COCA COLA "EDITION 2009"‏

A Votre Aimable Attention.

Nous avons le plaisir de vous annoncer que vous êtres l'un des Heureux(e) gagnant(es) du concours COCA COLA portant sur les adresses e-mail Des internautes.
La valeur totale en jeu est de 5 Millions d'Euros et votre adresse a été tiré au sort par sélection informatique Lors de notre tirage effectué la semaine dernière par La compagnie Coca-Cola. Votre e-mail a été sélectionné parmi les lauréats Chanceux qui ont gagné la somme de 100.000euros par le biais de la Promotion COCA COLA COMPAGNIE 40ans. Cependant les résultats ont été Libérés aujourd'hui et votre e-mail fait parti des lauréats attachés au Nombre de billet (7PUY2009) et au nombre de vote (BT : 12052009/20) Les émails ont été sélectionnés par une recherche aléatoire automatisée Avancée par notre compagnie.

Cependant, aucun billet n'a été vendu mais toutes les adresses Mails ont été assignées à différents nombres de billets pour la Représentation et l'intimité. Le procédé de choix a été suivi au niveau de notre machine automatisée de choix de mail (TOPAZ)
d'une base de données d'excédent 3000000 adresses mails tirées de tous les Continents du monde. Cette loterie est approuvée par le conseil Britannique de jeu et également autorisée par L'association Internationale des régulateurs de jeu (IAGR). Cette loterie est la 3ème de sa sorte et nous avons l'intention de sensibiliser le public. En outre pour réclamer votre gain professionnel de 100.000 euors qui a été déposé à une banque indiquée. Cependant, si vous êtes dans L'impossibilité d'effectuer le déplacement alors le paiement de votre Gain se fera sur présentation d'un acte judiciaire de Bénéficiaire des Fonds établi sur la requête d'un avocat et pour cela, vous devez tout simplement prendre contact de toute urgence avec l'avocat qui a Supervisé la Tombola à qui vous devez envoyer votre passeport ou Carte d'identité en cours de validité par mail dont voici les coordonnées:

Is there no more beautiful, romantic language than French? Doesn't it seem that everything written in this chic style is automatically ennobled? Contrast the elegance of the original email with the inelegance of the English translation:

HAPPY CONGRATULATION PRIZE WINNER OF PROMOTION COKE COLA " EDITION 2009"

With Your Pleasant Attention.

We are pleased to announce to you that you beings l' one of Happy (E) gaining (be) contest COKE bearing COLA on the addresses e-mail Of the Net surfers. The full value concerned is of 5 d' Million; Euros and your address was drawn with the fate by data-processing selection During our pulling carried out last week by the Coca-Cola company. Your e-mail was selected among the Chanceux prizes winner who gained the sum of 100.000euros by the means of Promotion COKE COLA COMPANY 40ans. However the results were Libérés aujourd' today and your e-mail makes party of the prizes winner attached to the Number of ticket (7PUY2009) and to the number of vote (BT: 12052009/20) The emails were selected by an automated random research Avancée by our company.

However, no ticket n' was sold but all the Mails addresses were assigned with various numbers of tickets for the Representation and l' intimacy. The process of choice was followed to the level of our automated machine of choice of email (TOPAZ) d' a database d' surplus 3000000 addresses emails drawn from all the Continents of the world. This lottery is approved by the council Britannique of play and also authorized by L' international association of the regulators of play (IAGR). This lottery is 3rd of its kind and we have l' intention to sensitize the public. Moreover to claim your professional profit of 100.000 euors which was deposited at a bank indicated. However, if you are in L' d' impossibility; to carry out displacement then the payment of your Profit will be made on d' presentation; a judicial document of Recipient of the Funds established on the request d' a lawyer and for this reason, you must quite simply make contact urgently with l' lawyer who has Supervisé the Tombola to which you must send your passport or Chart d' valid identity by email of which here coordinates:

Ugh. It falls upon the ear with a jangle- the linguistic equivalent of fingernails scraping across a chalkboard made of screaming puppies. Yes, in French, I will send you anything you like!- any passport or bank information just, please, keep your attempts at English away from me!

I Love Money 2 Finale

Saying goodbye, going away
Seems like goodbye's such a hard thing to say
Touching our hands, wondering why
It's time for saying goodbye.

-Ralph Burns and Jeff Moss

They say that when you reach the season finale of a beloved show you go through five stages of grief: Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance. Now that the finale of I Love Money 2, the greatest television show in history, has come and gone, well, all I can say is--

--I'll let you know when I get to "acceptance."

As the waves crashed against the rocks of the beach, Tailor Made interviews that now that it's down to the final five, loyalty is almost irrelevant. He tells Myammee that he's just "happy and blessed" to be here today.

Happy to be anywhere. It's a nice sentiment, but he's worked too hard for the money to be complacent. He is the man, as I've stated in a previous entry. He deserves to win.

It has been gloating that his intellectual prowess is much greater than anyone on the show has previously suspected. As if to illustrate his point, the episode opens with him stacking empty tin cans, three high, and carrying them downstairs. You see, he can balance cans in both hands while negotiating as many as two or three steps... before those cans come crashing down.

Ha, ha. He can't wait to show everyone just how smart he really is.

He gets his shot quickly, as Craig calls them all out for their next challenge, and it's a terrifying one. "Excess Baggage" features a narrow balance beam platform suspended about 300 feet above those crashing waves we saw at the beginning of the episode. The water of course represents the fluidity of fate- none of these contestants can be sure of their place within the game. One minute, you're riding the surf, and the next you're crashing into it.

Sorry. You see, I'm a little well I guess I'm still in my "bargaining" stage. This blog posting is like a negotiation- if I don't get to the end, then the show won't really be over, right? Doesn't that sound plausible to you? I mean, there's always next week, right? I can do my entry for this episode when I do the one for next week.

Oh, next week is just the reunion. This really is the last episode of the competition. Sigh.

Suspended from the platform are six pieces of luggage. The contestants must negotiate the narrow beam, and unhook the luggage to send them crashing to the waves below. The waves we saw at the beginning-- Dammit.

Craig gives the viewers and the players a jolt: The person who unhooks the bags and returns to the starting point first will be the winner and Paymaster, but the Dead-Last Loser will be sent home automatically. This is it; his or her check will be voided on the spot.

All eyes turn to It. It smiles knowingly. He can't believe he's rooked them all. He is a Superman, can't they tell?

Tailor Made is first, and he begins with timid steps, then squats down on the beam and patents a technique he calls "sit and scoot." He seems to be playing not for the win, but to not come in last. He's worried about falling. For what seem to be excruciating minutes we watch as Tailor Made seems to be giving away the money.

He finishes with a time of 2:02, and worries, "I think I played it too safe." No kidding. You've played most of the game with real abandon, throwing all caution to the wind, and now you're sitting and scooting? The money is on the line, you fool, and you've already stated you can't have Prancer become Paymaster.

Next up is It. He is ready to show everyone what he's got. He has been saving up, convincing everyone he's just a dumb, slow, idiot, totally nonthreatening. Now is his time to take the spotlight. To "make some real good tizzam to unhook the bizzam." Except he's afraid of heights. And he can't see. And he's slow. He sits and scoots, too.

Time: 2:32. Tailor Made is safe. It might be going home, "back to the projects."

Third is Myammee. The crawls on all fours, clearly a position she finds comfortable because she burns through the course at a blistering 43 seconds. She is tearfully happy with her time.

So many tears from Myammee...

Prancer is fourth. She is conflicted. She's afraid of heights. She's worried that Myammee will send her home if she is allowed to be Paymaster. And she is worried that she will fall from the scaffolding and bust her head open on the jagged rocks below.

46 seconds.

Saaphyri, going fifth, has a strategy. She walks to the last bags, and then squats down to unhook them. Before she has a chance to turn back, Craig makes the mistake of offering her encouragement. This is perhaps not strictly part of Craig's duties as host, and Saaphyri lets him have it. She tells him to shut the hell up and stop distracting her.

2:43. Saaphyri is eliminated, and sent back to America to face those outstanding warrants. Craig, perhaps feeling bad for distracting her during her run, allows her to void her own check.


Saaphyri was apparently a wanted woman when she appeared on "I Love Money 2." And the other VH1 shows she's done. I wonder, now that she's in prison, does VH1 have cameras inside, following her around? Don't pretend you wouldn't watch that.

Tailor Made won't miss her. It will: "Even though she my girlfriend, she easy to beat."

Later, the four remaining contestants gather for a meal and drinking in a sort of Algonquin Round Table, I Love Money style. Myammee, the Edna Ferber of the group, explains that she wants no one to feel safe- everyone should be shaking in their shorts and peeing themselves with fear.

Tailor Made, the Dorothy Parker, tells Myammee that he has always had her back, and always worked hard to keep her check out of the box. He could add that he has always trusted her even when he shouldn't, considering she was the founding member of the Pretty Girl Alliance that was ready to sweep him out of the game. But no matter. Myammee understands what he says is true, but she also understands that there's $250K at stake. She will do what she has to.

Who should be sent home? Myammee asks them.

It and Tailor Made point to Prancer, the Alexander Woollcott of the group. Prancer then starts to cry that the boys are ganging up on her. Her pain is more evident at this dinner than on the day when she supposedly contused her leg.

Myammee's attention turns to It, the Robert Benchley of the group. "You've done nothing," she says. His retort is difficult to follow, being delivered as it is in his usual, charmingly slurred style, but tonight with a surprising scat be-bop twist: "Now we splain alla those I say you I say yo I say alright."

Tailor Made wryly observes, "The more he speaks, the deeper hole he digs for himself." The irony is, of course, that what It is doing can only be called "speaking" in the most loose sense of the word.

Finally, the final elimination.

Tailor Made: "If she decides I'm too strong, all my past deeds will be irrelevant."

It: "I'm scared. I'm kinda worried. A couple times I tried to save Saaphyri.

Prancer: "I hope she finds a reason to keep me. I deserve to be here. I worked so hard."

Last week, Thrill Fiction had a rather devastating illustration of just who Myammee will be keeping this week:


Thrill Fiction's take on Tailor Made and It. With just a couple of words and a couple of screenshots, everything is made crystal clear. You should read Thrill Fiction, by the way.

Prancer, if she has to "find a reason" to keep you, she will not.

First check to Tailor Made. She tearfully tells him that when she first got there, and felt so alone, he was there for her.

More tears from Myammee. Her tears are like the ocean, the waves we saw crashing against the shore- sorry, I'm still bargaining, I guess.

She calls It up to the box.

"I'm sorry It, you don't deserve the money. Prancer needs it [for her breast enhancement surgery], and I still don't understand how you got here. You can't run, you can't see, you can't jump, you can't do nothin'. NOTHIN'! You just been skating through..."

Last week, Prancer kept It because she knew she could beat him. She sent Angelique home, because she was afraid she couldn't beat her. The week before, Saaphyri sent Ice home rather than It, because she wanted to send a "man" home.

At some point, It could be forgiven for developing a complex. Or at least, retreating into an elaborate fantasy world in which he's actually much stronger and smarter than the other contestants believe.

"Just for those reasons," Myammee concludes, "I'm gonna give you your check."

Prancer's check is voided. "Myammee wants to be against weak people."

No kidding, Prancer. That is the point of sending you home. You were the strongest remaining competitor. That says more about your competition than you, my dear. So don't let it go to your head.


Prancer was sort of the Mr Spock of I Love Money 2. Coldly logical and methodical. Okay, actually, she wasn't much like Mr Spock, I just wanted to use Mr Spock because there's a new Star Trek movie opening this weekend and I hope to get some traffic to the blog by mentioning it. Kinda sleazy, I guess.

Next day, It is practicing swimming on the bed he once shared with Saaphyri. There is something to be said here for the water imagery, the fluidity of fate, and the waves crashing against the rocks at the beginning of the episode but I'm not going to spell it out for you. You can figure it out for yourself. The important thing is:

It

is

practicing

swimming

on his bed.

Ha, ha. He has been laying low this entire time, using his superior intellect to convince them he's really a nonthreatening boob.

Tailor Made tells It that he was really quite impressed by the display of emotion on It's part, when he explained that he wanted to win the money to help pay for the hospital bills of a beloved grandfather.

"Naw, that grandfather was dead before I was born."

Tailor Made looks like he's just found out who Kaiser Soze was. He is shocked. Has It been punking them this entire time?


Will It turn out to be a Kaiser Soze? Would Kaiser Soze practice swimming on his bed?

It interviews that he will break out his Black Powers on the final challenge. Is everyone scared yet?

The final challenge is a gauntlet, a series of challenges based on previous episodes of I Love Money 2. The first to complete every leg of the race is the winner. No jury. Just a race. First up, the contestants have to fill a net suspended above their heads with coconuts, and retrieve the bicycle pump from within the net.

It explains that his being black has endowed him with unique basketball skills. He makes short work of the challenge and speeds off into the jungle to find the next stop of the race. He uses his Superman powers to veer far off course. He cannot see, he cannot follow directions. He can't run, he can't jump, he can't do nothin'.

It is actually that dumb.

Tailor Made has now moved into first place, and takes his pump to the side of the river where he uses it to inflate an inner tube he'll navigate to the next stop at another beach.

Myammee is worried about the Discovery Channel water that surrounds her, and goes into a tearful panic when her hand brushes against a rock. Yes, more tears from Myammee.

The next challenge is to retrieve a coin from a giant block of ice. Myammee is clearly hotter than Tailor Made, so it doesn't matter how much of a head start he has on this one. When Myammee arrives and uses her warm, ample, life-giving breasts, the ice starts to give almost immediately.

Tailor Made is taking whacks at the ice, his hands bloody from the exertion.

It, meanwhile, has found his innertube and is catching up to the other two.

Tailor Made is licking the ice provocatively. But his lips are no match for Myammee's- she is now straddling the ice, which has given way beneath her, in what has certainly got to be the first time anything has lost its solidity between her legs.

Next stop is to take the coin and give it to a cab driver, who will take you to another beach, where you must swim out and rescue a mannequin version of yourself, from the "Under the Bus" challenge. Myammee, no longer concerned about her hair, dives right in, rescues the dummy, and heads off in a boat to the next stop.


I thought for sure that Tailor Made would be martyred in this episode, so I photoshopped a picture of him as St. Sebastian. Now that he hasn't been martyred, I am too lazy to change the picture.

Tailor Made is not far behind, as he rather poetically states, "I can still smell her perfume, so I know I'm close." He swims for his dummy, but forgets to unhook the tether that's held it in place, and spends a few minutes trying to swim while leashed.

Plenty of time for Myammee to make it back to the house and meet Craig, where he explains that she will have to answer trivia questions about either the loutish Frank the Entertainer or the darkly angelic Becky Buckwild. Myammee goes for Buckwild.

As Tailor Made arrives, he's delighted to see that the final challenge appears to be mental- he might have a chance!

But no. Myammee has won. She's answered her six questions correctly, and collapses in a heap of tears.

More tears from Myammee. She cries during her interview, too. Her tears are like the ocean waves crashing against the shore etc. Water symbolism.

Tailor Made: "At least I beat It."

Back at the block of ice, It's given up. He has ordered some shrimp and a cool beverage and is just going to "chill." Then his tray of food falls to the ground. It's not as smart as he thought. Or, maybe, he's still fooling everyone. If so, it's an impressive act.

And I think I've hit the "depression" phase.

Anyway, reunion next week, and it looks like we'll be seeing some Becky Buckwild.


Hot enough to melt ice. The men never had a chance against her.

Exclusive! Final Exam Questions-- and Answers!

QUESTIONS

Question 1: Explain the significance of “the epilogue.”

Question 2: Lord Highbrower- male or female?

Question 3: In Chapter 29, Evermore declares that “all has passed before, the eggs as the omelet emoting so, and forever carried.” Does this statement make sense?

Question 4: The symbolism of the jeweled amulet.

Question 5: When Terryfeather locks himself in the closet, why does Moribund strike him?

Question 6: Explain the moral implications of Bastardino’s decision to let the children die.

Question 7: Everyone believed that Mrs. Merryjowls was in the next room, composing a letter to her cousin in Slopshire. Where was she, really?

Question 8: How devastating was it for Winky that his invention did not work?

Question 9: Should Astor have used more discretion when dealing with Lady Montshire? If not, why not?

Question 10: Assuming Montebank’s cheque clears, what will happen to the donkeys of Montgomery?

ANSWERS

Answer to Question 1: It comes at the end.

Answer to Question 2: Lord Highbrower is a fictional character.

Answer to Question 3: Only in this context.

Answer to Question 4: This is not a question.

Answer to Question 5: The closet symbolically represents Moribund’s wife’s vagina. By locking himself in the closet, he was symbolically sleeping with his wife.

Answer to Question 6: There are none.

Answer to Question 7: She was in Slopshire, composing a letter to her cousin in the next room.

Answer to Question 8: As Winky himself states, it was “quite devastating indeed” (p. 853)

Answer to Question 9: Astor should not have used more discretion when dealing with Lady Montshire, because Lady Montshire used no discretion when dealing with Xaviander.

Answer to Question 10: Montebank’s cheque does not clear. A starving Lady Montgomery is forced to eat the donkeys.


If you've done your reading, the final exam should be no problem.

Pic source.

Jane Austen's "Daisy of Love" Chapter 2

CHAPTER 2

The previous evenings’ events having left nothing but sweet memories, piles of elegant trash and detritus, and flotsam and jetsam within the gentlemen’s own buzzing heads, all awoke with most agreeable dispositions in anticipation of another grand day of romantic pursuits. Although five were eliminated the previous evening, leaving a grand total of fifteen gentlemen vying for Daisy de la Hoya’s hand, 12 Pack insisted, while lifting his bed in an exorbitant display of muscular acuity, that there still remained much in the way of dead weight.

“I will not be satisfied until I’ve thrown off the other gentlemen, much as I throw off my bed now,” he said, his voice betraying not a hint of the exertion he must have felt.

Weasel, surveying the remains of the previous evening’s revelries, exclaimed, “This place is grody as f*ck right now.” Then, giving the matter further thought, he added, “I simply must clean myself off and let Daisy know that I am not the hot drunken mess I appeared last evening.”

The other gentlemen found this sentiment most agreeable indeed, and all of them raised a glass of fine red wine in a toast. They would all present themselves in the best possible and gentlemanly light so as to impress their beloved.

At this point, Mr. Rachtman entered and bid them all follow him into the greatroom, where awaited them all manner of clothing and props. Their curiosity piqued- for Daisy was nothing if not surprising- they surveyed the room and wondered what their beloved had in store for them.

Clearing his throat, Mr. Rachtman explained. “Gentlemen. Today we shall play a most delightful role-playing game, in which you will each be presented as students, while Daisy shall be your teacher. Impress her with your individualized show-and-tell endeavors. You shall have but one hour to come up with a display suitably designed so as to adequately portray your own personality, comportment, and humour. Let Daisy see the real you today, gentlemen!”

Having been thus instructed, each of the gentlemen took the time to come up with moving self-portraits. Upon the passing of the hour, the gentlemen were led into a makeshift schoolroom, complete with desks for studying, and a blackboard.

The comely Daisy was tastefully attired in pink legwarmers, spectacles, and a half shirt and skirt combination. As she watched the fellows enter, she found herself feeling a mixture of familiar but exciting emotions. Naturally she worried for the state of her heart; this romantic televised dating program was for her a serious and life-changing event. But there was also an undeniable sense of arousal, as her anticipation at the prospect of spending time in the company of such elegant gentlemen reached its climax.

Endeavoring to project a façade of ambivalence, Daisy burdened the gentlemen with the rules of the day’s competition: “Those whose presentations to me are deemed more than adequate shall win a date with me. Those whose efforts are found wanting shall received detention slips, and the accompanying punishment.”

Naturally, there were those numbered among the gentlemen who considered throwing the competition, for the prospect of receiving punishment was most highly pleasurable.

Weasel, feeling pressure to overcome the sorry impression he made upon Daisy the previous evening, began his presentation by bestowing upon her a gift of a locket, fortuitously shaped as a “daisy.” The precious pendant had been in his family for generations, and when his dying grandmother had given it to him, she admonished him to present the gift only to the woman he deemed to be his one true love. That of course was Daisy.

“And now, having presented you with this gift, I would like to display a few photos depicting myself in a number of extreme and full-throttle situations.” These photos showed Weasel performing a series of increasingly dangerous motorcycling tricks, followed by a photo of himself in traction.

Daisy could not help but be impressed.

Fox, previously considered the man to beat owing to his being a “stone cold fox” presented Daisy with a most hilarious, humorous novelty, an erotic toy. “This humorous novelty is meant to be an illustration of what the mere sight of you does to my own sexual organs,” he explained, smiling.

Almost despite herself, Daisy questioned the appropriateness of such a gift.

Professor presented a lesson plan of love, a most gracious and gentlemanly act of instruction for the other gentlemen who were, to be sure, his competitors.

“I know not whether your act was one of gentlemanly graciousness, or one of callous arrogance,” Daisy mused, as Professor returned to his seat. “You are an enigma to me.”

Professor smiled wanly.


The Professor showed more personality in this photo than he has shown on the program. Nice ring- is that his teacher of the year award?

“I began composing for you a song,” London began.

Daisy’s face alit with anticipation. “I simply must hear it!” she exclaimed.

London’s face sagged. “Alas, I was unable to complete the tune, owing to the rather wretched state of my head, following last night’s exciting garden party. I’ve composed a mere two lines thus far.”

“Let me hear them,” Daisy insisted, feeling her disappointment growing.

Again, London was silent for a few moments, before finally revealing, “Well, my beloved, you’ve already heard half of it, for you see, I transcribed one of the two lines from lyrics found on your myspace page.”

“Oh!” Daisy exclaimed. “Please find your seat, and know that I am sorely disappointed by your behaviour.” Her face betrayed her emotions, a state in which she was loath to find herself, compounding her irritation with London.

Flex presented Daisy with an inflatable blow-up doll, meant to represent himself.

“Is the doll not smarter than you?” Daisy asked, coyly.

The gentlemen laughed.

“There are times,” Flex admitted, good-naturedly, “when I fear I am a douche bag, and behave quite unintelligently.”

12 Pack presented Daisy with a bouquet of dead flowers, which he threw into the trash receptacle with a flourish. “These dead roses represent my own past,” he stated. “A past I deny and leave behind forever. This is the only televised dating program on which I’ve ever appeared that has really meant something to me.”

Daisy felt her face turn red, for she knew 12 Pack was sincere.

The truck driving Big Rig presented Daisy with a photograph of the most important person in his life, an adorable young son dressed in his finest super heroic attire. “My son is my proudest achievement,” Big Rig stated, his eyes wide. “Even greater than being cast on this televised dating program.”

“That is wonderful,” Daisy said. Then, upon some consideration, she thought, “I have never dated a man with a child before,” apparently forgetting, or perhaps apparently trying to put out of her mind, her tumultuous weeks with the rock and roll celebrity Mr. Michaels.

6 Gauge, a gentleman skilled at the mixing of alcoholic beverages, presented Daisy with a drink made from ingredients inspired by the women herself. For her beauty there was whiskey. For her flaxen hair there was orange flower water. For her lovely demeanor there was triplesec. For her open heart there was salt. He continued on in this manner, enumerating each of her best qualities and applying its appropriate mixed drink ingredient in turn, before finally presenting Daisy with the result.

Irresistibly, Daisy took a sip and exclaimed, “I taste good!”

The gentlemen proceeded in their turn, some with memorable presentations, and some with less than memorable presentations. Finally, the gentleman known as Chi-Chi took his place at the head of the class.

“I am a big baby, with a big heart,” he boldly exclaimed. He then proceeded to read to the gathered assembly a tear-jerkingly touching poem delineating his many trials and triumphs, entitled “Upon a Clearing Sad.”

Upon a clearing sad,
Witnessed I the good and bad,
My life full of tumult
A hard edifice I have built.

For his real-deal stuff, Chi-Chi received a standing ovation from the appreciative gentlemen. Each of them looked at one another in wonder and amazement. Chi-Chi had truly opened his heart to them, and to Daisy. It was an impressive display of emotion and a true beacon for the other gentlemen to follow and a lofty goal to which they all felt they must aspire.

“Thank you so much for your heartfelt sentimental poem,” Daisy said, wiping away a tear. She surprised herself, by being unable to contain her emotions, just as Chi-Chi had surprised her by laying bear his own.


Chi-Chi wears his heart on his sleeve. Actually, he wears his heart on his chest- his sleevework depicts much more than just hearts.

It was left to Flipper to follow Chi-Chi’s heartfelt display with one of his own.

“Mine is a poem of warning to you, Daisy,” he said, solemnly.

“Of warning, sir?”

“Indeed, of warning,” Flipper repeated. “For you see, I have spent time with these gentlemen, and I have seen them as they really are. None of them, I fear, are truly here for you and none of them, I fear, have a love that is true.”

“Is that part of your poem?” Daisy asked.

“No! But I am of a poetical bent,” Flipper admitted. He then proceeded to recite his poem:

These gentlemen are not so gentle,
Indeed many of them are quite mental,
Their motives are as pure as mud,
Each one in their turn is merely a dud.

The other gentlemen, naturally, were unamused.

For their good works in impressing Daisy Chi-Chi, 6 Gauge, and Weasel were presented with gold stars. Fox, London, and Flex were given detention. Their punishment was to perform lap dances for three of Daisy’s closest friends. The gentlemen signaled their approval with a smattering of polite applause.

Then there entered three of the most elegant and remarkably elderly women of the town. First was Mrs. Wigglesbottom, of the northern hills, the wife of a vicar. Second was Mrs. Squatsmuch, who was rumoured to have lost much of her fortune to an irresolute uncle. Third was Mrs. Dowdypants, a woman whose dowry had consisted of four estates scattered throughout the valley.

“The gentleman who gives the best lap dance to these charming women,” Daisy explained, “shall have the chance to join myself and my three gold-starred gentlemen on our day out together!”

The men threw caution to the wind and themselves into the challenge, getting down and dirty, making the grandmothers warm with their vigorous and gentlemanly undulations. When it was all over it was London, the plagiarist, who emerged victorious.

The evening was given over to revelry, as the gentlemen engaged in yet another garden party, where the primary topic of discussion was Flipper. Not in anger or jealousy, but in pity did the others view their fellow.

“Are you speaking of me?” Flipper demanded.

“We have some concern regarding your state of mind,” Cable Guy explained.

“Are you speaking of me?” Flipper again demanded, this time addressing himself solely to Cable Guy. “For your lazy eye makes it difficult for me to be sure exactly whom you’re addressing when you speak.”

“There is no need for such rough talk,” Cable Guy said.

“As for my state of mind,” Flipper said, betraying only a hint of anger, “if it so concerns you, perhaps you’d agree to a duel?”

“I have no desire to challenge you to a duel,” Cable Guy said, stepping backward. He was a man of a mostly gentle disposition, who engaged in duels only rarely.

“Perhaps if you won’t duel me, then a round of fisticuffs is in order!” Flipper exclaimed, balling his hands into fists and throwing his arms around.

“Again, I’ve no desire to engage you in any kind of combat,” Cable Guy clarified.

“If you’ll not fight me, then I shall have to fight myself!” Flipper cried. He smashed upon his forehead a bottle of alcohol, and then retired to Daisy’s quarters, where he withdrew himself from competition.

“Your heart is a wonderful prize,” he said. “But I fear that I must ensure I do not lose my mind in its pursuit.”

“A true gentleman knows his limits,” Daisy said. “And while I appreciate your withdrawal from the competition to win my heart, I accept said withdrawal with deep reluctance.”

Flipper thus departed, the other gentlemen used his forgotten shoes as a latrine, as gentlemen are wont to do.


Flipper is apparently interested in men, if this myspace posting from Jeffree Star is to be believed. In fairness, Jeffree Star's not bad looking.

Later that evening, Brooklyn called his girlfriend back in New York. He explained to her that he would be remaining at the de la Hoya estate in the Hollywood Hills for a bit longer than anticipated.

“Hold, sir,” she said. “I demand clarification. Am I to understand that we have broken up?”

Brooklyn was filled with trepidation. Perhaps becoming intoxicated and telephoning his girlfriend was not the best course of action. He should have listened to his brain, and not the ramblings of his heart. “We have been broken up,” he said. “That is why I am closeted at the de la Hoya estate.”

“If you make out with anyone on that show we’re through,” she said, matter of factly.

For the remainder of the evening and into the small hours, she continued to call, repeatedly, and told anyone who answered in a delirious singsong, “Chris has a girlfriend!”

“Oh, lament!” Brooklyn exclaimed.

The four gentlemen accompanied Daisy on their date to the beach. Many of them had never surfed before, and the feel of the board beneath their feet and spray of the salt water in their hair was a new experience.

“Isn’t my bikini cute?” Daisy asked the men.

They were all in agreement that it was.

Daisy pouted. “Would it not be a shame to cover such a cute bikini with a wetsuit?”

They were all in agreement that it would.

“Good!” Daisy said, smiling, and racing with her board toward the surf.

Later she asked Chi-Chi to accompany her, alone. Sitting on the beach, with the sun beating down on them pleasurably, the smell of saltwater in the sand beneath their toes, they whiled away a few calming moments.

“What type of woman do you like?” Daisy asked, coyly.

“I like petite women with large breasts and blond hair,” Chi-Chi said earnestly.

Daisy eyed him skeptically. “Are you sure you’re not merely saying what you believe I want to hear?”

“Oh, no,” Chi-Chi said. “I am small in stature, and I have always appreciated a small woman I can wrap my arms around.”

“I hope you will kiss me tenderly,” Daisy said, swept up in the romance of the moment.

They shared a kiss.

On the way back to the estate, the other men told Daisy about the calls from Brooklyn’s girlfriend.

“In fairness, perhaps she is his ex girlfriend,” 6 Gauge said. “Still, one has to wonder how she got your number, and why she was calling it.”

“Indeed,” Daisy agreed, thinking. “This certainly calls into question his earnestness.”

“I worry,” London added, “about a man who calls a woman- whether she be his ex-girlfriend or current girlfriend- while residing in the estate of another woman.”

Daisy spent a few moments with Brooklyn.

“I want to offer my sincere and one thousand percent apology,” he said. “I did indeed call her, but my intentions were pure. I merely wanted to tell her that she and I were no longer romantic partners, and that I was a guest here at your lavish estate where I was having the time of my life.”

Daisy looked deeply into his eyes. “I can tell you’re sincere, and I accept your honest apology.”


Brooklyn's got one thumb up for Daisy, and one thumb up for his [ex?] girlfriend back in New York.

When she sought to speak to the Professor, she was less kind.

“I am not used to being an aggressor,” he explained. “I am passive when it comes to women. I work hard at my job, and at maintaining my physique. You are an elegant mystery to me, unlike any other woman I’ve ever pursued, and it has vexed me, I fear.”

Daisy was driven to distraction, barely able to open her eyes once the Professor had finished speaking.

In the end it was Weasel and the Professor who were sent home.

“I worry about you, Daisy,” Mr. Rachtman said. “I fear you’re making a mistake; that perhaps you’re too attracted to the so-called ‘bad boys’ for your own good.”

“These mistakes are mine to make,” Daisy insisted. “Besides, a woman knows when she feels attraction for a man, and she cannot help it when that attraction is felt.”


Weasel apparently spent too much time either drunk or passed out from drink to win Daisy's heart. It's a treacherous world out there, and Daisy needs a man who will be sober and conscious at least some of the time.

Flipper pic source.
Brooklyn pic source.
Weasel pic source.
Professor pic source.
Chi-Chi pic source.

Simple. Beautiful. Eloquent. Quote of the Day from Miss California Pageant Co-Director Shanna Moakler

The three words that begin the title of this blog posting are the three words that came to mind when I read the words of Shanna Moakler, co-executive director of Miss California USA, speaking about Perez Hilton nemesis and Miss USA runner up Carrie Prejean's breast implants:

“Breast implants in pageants is not a rarity. It’s definitely not taboo. It’s very common. Breast implants today among young women today is very common. I don’t personally have them, but you know — they are.”

She begins her statement by relaying the information, perhaps surprising to some, that beauty pageant contestants often have breast enhancement surgery. By claiming it's "not rare," she in fact implies that it is "common." She further clarifies in her second sentence that it's "definitely not taboo." There is no equivocation in this statement: Not only is it common, but it's accepted. Then, in the third sentence, she states in no uncertain terms that it's not just accepted, not just "not taboo," and not just common, but "very common." And just so there is no confusion on this matter, her next sentence states that this is the case not only for pageant contestants, but for young women in general. Breast implants are common for young women today. By using the word "today" twice in the fourth sentence, she impresses upon everyone the immediacy of her words. This is happening today. It is happening now. And by reviving the word "common," previously seen in the third sentence, she drives home her point that breast implants are common. Let there be no doubt about this: breast implants, among young women today, are common. Pageant contestants are young women. Breast implants are common among pageant contestants.

In her final sentence, she seeks to impress upon everyone the fact that, while breast implants might be "common" among pageant contestants, they are by no means "universal." At least one pageant contestant did not get breast implants. That person is the speaker, Shanna Moakler. By using herself she boldly illustrates her own point. Breast implants are common, but that does not mean everyone gets them.


Shanna Moakler says that breast implants today are not taboo today; they are common- even though she herself does not have them. And I do not know why is cleaning her bathroom in such an outfit. Maybe she's trying to keep her overalls clean.

Pic source.