Friday, January 22, 2010

John Edwards is the Ultimate Politician

John Edwards, motherf*cker, is in Haiti. Because, you know, he really cares about poverty and misery and all that and he just wants to help people. His selfless trip has nothing to do with trying to divert attention away from the fact that he is now admitting that he fathered a child with the woman he denied having an affair with.
Former senator and presidential candidate John Edwards arrived in Haiti Thursday to distribute aid to earthquake victims. But his good intentions will not be enough to overshadow the latest twist in the scandal that ruined his political career.
The quote is the first paragraph from the story linked above. Did you catch the enabling, sleazy line the author of the story dropped in there? If not, I highlighted it for you. Because it's just so subtle.

John Edwards's "good intentions." After everything this motherf*cker has done, how oh how can anyone accuse him of having "good intentions"?

That "latest twist in the scandal that ruined his political career" is the admission that he is the father of Reille Hunter's child. The article chops up Edwards's statement:
"I am Quinn's father," the former senator declared in his statement, as the second birthday of Frances Quinn Hunter approaches.
In the statement Edwards released Thursday, he said, "I will do everything in my power to provide her (Frances) with the love and support she deserves. I have been able to spend time with her during the past year and trust that future efforts to show her the love and affection she deserves can be done privately and in peace."

Edwards also said, "It was wrong for me ever to deny she was my daughter and hopefully one day, when she understands, she will forgive me."

"I have been providing financial support for Quinn and have reached an agreement with her mother to continue providing support in the future," the statement said. "To all those I have disappointed and hurt, these words will never be enough, but I am truly sorry."
Lest we forget, it's not merely that Edwards denied he was the father of this girl. He also cheated on his wife when she was sick with cancer, and apparently told Ms. Hunter that they'd have a great wedding, with the Dave Matthews Band, when his wife finally kicked off.

He also convinced a campaign aide to claim that he was actually the father of Ms. Hunter's child:
A former Edwards aide, Andrew Young, initially claimed paternity of the child shortly before the 2008 presidential primary contests began. Young is scheduled to release a book on Feb. 2 that details the scandal.
In an excerpt of an ABC News interview released Thursday, Young says that Edwards asked him to arrange a fake paternity test.

"Get a doctor to fake the DNA results," Young said Edwards told him. "And he asked me ... to steal a diaper from the baby so he could secretly do a DNA test to find out if this (was) indeed his child."
(How does the "will-you-get-a-doctor-to-fake-a-paternity-test-for-me" conversation start?

Edwards: Hey, Andy, you heard the new Dave Matthews CD? It really grooves.
Young: Yeah, it's good.
Edwards: By the way, uh, could you find a doctor who can fake a paternity test for me?)

There's also the fact that he is under investigation for using campaign funds (you know, money that people donated to his campaign for president, for crying out loud) to pay for Ms. Hunter to keep her damn mouth shut while he tried to win the democrat nomination.

John Edwards is a motherf*cker. But how unpopular is he? The Huffington Post has a story up about that very topic, headlined "John Edwards Now Most Unpopular Figure Anywhere, Anytime: Pollster."
How unpopular is John Edwards? Though it seems obvious, the findings of a new poll on the former senator and vice presidential candidate John Edwards are still startling if only for the reflection of how far he has fallen in the world of public opinion.

The North Carolina Democrat is viewed positively by only 15 percent of voters in his home state, according to the firm Public Policy Polling. That total makes Edwards the "most unpopular person we've polled anywhere at any time," conclude the survey's authors.

He's still seen positively by 25% of Democrats but only 9% of independents and 3% of Republicans. Interestingly despite his new image as a philanderer men have a more unfavorable opinion of him (75%) than women (68%).
Wait-- what?

After everything John Edwards has done, he's still seen positively by 25% of democrats, 9% of independents, and 3% of republicans? 15% of voters in North Carolina have a positive view of him? His "unfavorables" among men are 75% and among women 68%?

Whaaaaaaaatttttttt?????? How could anyone have a "favorable" view of this motherf*cker? What do you have to do to skeeve out those 32% of women who don't have an unfavorable view of this guy?

John Edwards is the ultimate politician.

(Then again, Scott Peterson was surprisingly popular with the ladies, even after being convicted of murdering his wife.)

Anyway, what John Edwards did was not much different from what all politicians do. He just did it bigger.

All politicians use their families for political gain. Remember when Barack Obama won the Nobel Peace prize, and he said,
"This is not how I expected to wake up this morning," Obama quipped later. "After I received the news, [daughter] Malia walked in and said, 'Daddy, you won the Nobel Peace Prize, and it is [family dog] Bo's birthday.' "
Ha, ha. See how he subtly used his daughter to show that even though he's the president and winner of this big prestigious prize, he's still got a child who isn't all that impressed with his accomplishments-- just like normal folks!

Politicians take their kids with them on the road for campaign stops all the time. The kids are props used to trick people into believing politicians are "human." Edwards used his kids for political gain, as well. But he did it bigger:
Edwards had told [John] Kerry [2004 democrat presidential candidate] he was going to share a story with him that he'd never told anyone else—that after his son Wade had been killed, he climbed onto the slab at the funeral home, laid there and hugged his body, and promised that he'd do all he could to make life better for people, to live up to Wade's ideals of service. Kerry was stunned, not moved, because, as he told me later, Edwards had recounted the same exact story to him, almost in the exact same words, a year or two before—and with the same preface, that he'd never shared the memory with anyone else. Kerry said he found it chilling, and he decided he couldn't pick Edwards unless he met with him again.
Edwards used his dead son for political gain.

Politicians use their wives, too. You know, to show that even though they're politicians, somebody actually loves them, and, of their own free will, actually spends time with them. Even the last president, GW Bush, had a wife, who for whatever reason thought enough of him to go out and campaign for him in 2004:
Mrs. Bush is hitting the road these days, already putting in long hours on the campaign trail.

The Bush campaign sees the first lady as a major asset, and officials say they plan to use her to woo independent voters in key swing states — like Arkansas, the first stop on her latest trip.

Laura Bush's style is low key, and, as a former schoolteacher, she usually emphasizes noncontroversial education issues.
John Edwards also used his wife. But again, he did it bigger.

Edwards used his wife's cancer for political gain.

Politicians use diversionary tactics to distract from their own loathsome behavior. When Bill Clinton was being grand-juried over the whole "Monica Lewinsky scandal," it suddenly became very important for him to appear, you know, presidential. So he bombed a pharmaceutical factory:
Sources in U.S. Intelligence apparently claimed that there was only one "window" through which to strike at bin Laden, and that the only time they could hope to hit his Afghan fastness by this remote means was on the night of Monica Lewinsky's return to the grand jury.
Edwards doesn't have the benefit of the power to bomb people. (Can you imagine if Edwards had actually won the presidency? Think about that-- John Edwards might be president right now-- or at least vice president!) But what he does have is a massive earthquake that has caused a humanitarian crisis in Haiti. So he released a statement saying that he is the father of that baby for whom he denied responsibility for so long, on the day he flew to Haiti to hand out some water bottles and display his "good intentions."

Edwards used an earthquake that killed tens of thousands of people, and left hundreds of thousands without homes, for political gain.

John Edwards is the ultimate politician. He does it all bigger.

What The Ultimate Warrior was to professional wrestling is what John Edwards is to politics. He used all of the skills and cunning of his chosen profession to rise to the top, but burned too brightly, too quickly, and flamed out spectacularly.

Edwards pic source.
Ultimate Warrior pic source.

1 comment:

shampoo said...

politicians suck.

I wish there was a way to keep opportunists out of haiti. the people there have plenty to contend with already. they don't need stupid people getting in the way.