Saturday, February 6, 2010

Taylor Lautner is not MY Stretch Armstrong

Have you ever heard anything stupider than the news that "Twilight" pretty boy Taylor Lautner has just been signed to play the toughest action figure of the 1970s, Stretch Armstrong?
Taylor Lautner has signed on to star in “Stretch Armstrong,” Universal’s movie based on the Hasbro toy.
That's not a misprint. They're making Taylor Lautner into Stretch Armstrong.

Taylor Lautner!

This guy...

Is going to play this guy...

Seriously, can you imagine Taylor Lautner taking on the menace of Stretch Monster?

No way. No way can that "Twilight" pretty boy wrap himself around the strange plastic and corn syrup (or whatever it was that comprised Stretch Monster's innards) that made up the nefarious Stretch Monster, which was easily Hasbro's most terrifying action figure nemesis.

In order for Taylor Lautner to have a chance against him, they're going to have to cast someone like Clay Aiken in the role. I mean it -- I just don't see it.

Universal is really playing with fire here. Stretch Armstrong is an important part of our childhoods, and basically Universal is saying, "We're just going to take a big steaming crap all over your memories in order to make a few bucks by casting a bankable star that a bunch of little girls or something want to watch in this movie." And that sucks, man.

How many hours did I spend... pulling that guy's arms and legs? How many hours did I spend wondering what in the holy hell is the liquidy goo stuff that is inside his body? How many hours did I spend wondering what the hell that stuff tastes like?

And Universal, with callous disregard for the literally millions of Stretch Armstrong fans, who have been dreaming about a film version of their favorite action figure for decades, has decided to cast that kid from "Twilight"? That's it. I am already calling for a boycott of this.

Seriously, who is with me? I already hate this movie, it's a huge mistake, and I don't we should reward a cynical movie company that only cares about making a profit instead of making a movie that will appeal to those of us who have loved this wonderful character that meant so much to our childhoods.

They ruined Transformers. They ruined G.I. Joe. They ruined our childhood. At long last -- they have gone too far. This stops now! Down with the cynical exploitation of our favorite action figures for movie profit!

Leave Stretch Armstrong alone!

Stretch Armstrong and Stretch Monster pic source.
Taylor Lautner pic source.

1 comment:

shampoo said...

gross... taylor lautner is weird looking. did someone manage to bring one of those male "fashion dolls" to life?

this is going to be so gay... (i don't mean "stupid", I mean "homosexual"). just wait, there will be 1,000 gay porn versions of this movie.