Sunday, March 7, 2010

Handicapping This Season of "Dancing with the Stars"

I don't watch "Dancing with the Stars;" I frankly think it's a dumb idea for a show and I don't understand its success. Of course, I blogged "Daisy of Love" as if it were a Jane Austen novel, so what do I know from quality? But I think it's plain that the producers of DWTS are readers of this blog, because they clearly ripped me off.

Remember Erin Andrews, the ESPN sideline "reporter" who was the subject of a sleazy and surreptitiously acquired pants-ironing video? Remember also my insightful blog entry on that subject, in which I contrasted it with NASA's lost moon-landing footage?
The video was apparently widely available on the internet for a day or two- and, while it's still less widely available, you can probably find it if you're really interested. That video is out there now, and we're always going to be able to find it, if we really want.

Which brings me to my point about the moon landing tapes. Back in 2006, NASA admitted it lost original video of the 1969 moon landing. Or, they didn't lose the video- the tape on which the video was taken was reused.
...
--so there's still some footage. But still, NASA's original video is gone. Erin Andrews' naked ironing video will never be gone. Neither will that photo of yourself drunk that you used as your facebook profile picture.
Yeah, I'm quoting myself, which is probably poor form (if I don't do it, who will?), but I'm making a point about the fact that someone at DWTS read my blog post and said, "Let's put Erin Andrews on with an astronaut"!

And this season, two of the DWTS competitors are Erin Andrews, and an astronaut-- Buzz Aldrin.

From his wikipedia page:
Buzz Aldrin (born Edwin Eugene Aldrin, Jr.; January 20, 1930) is an American mechanical engineer, retired United States Air Force pilot and astronaut who was the Lunar Module pilot on Apollo 11, the first manned lunar landing in history. On July 20, 1969, he was the second person to set foot on the Moon, following mission commander Neil Armstrong.
The man was the second human being to step on the surface of the moon. He is an engineer. He is 80 years old. He is a real kick-ass hero.

Uh, he also did this:
To further promote space exploration, and to commemorate the 40th anniversary of the first lunar landing, Buzz teamed up with Snoop Dogg, Quincy Jones, Talib Kweli, and Soulja Boy to create the rap single and video, "Rocket Experience". Proceeds from video and song sales will benefit Buzz's non-profit foundation, ShareSpace.
Ohhhh-kay:

Mr. Aldrin also made an appearance on one of the best "Simpsons" episodes ever, the one in which Homer became an astronaut as part of some kind of "send and average joe into space to gain more publicity for the moribund space program" program.

The man can do whatever he wants; he's earned it. If he wants to go on Dancing with the Stars, then more power to him.

Has he got a shot against the other competitors? According to this site, no he does not.
Buzz Aldrin (200/1): Hey, he walked on the moon. He never DANCED on the thing. Sorry, old timer. You’re out early.
The author of that snarky piece of sh*t is something called "Drew Margary," a person about whom I know nothing, but I feel safe in saying is a jerk. "Old-timer"? Really? Oh I get it, because he's 80 years old. And what have you done with yourself-- written some ironic commentary on some blog that no one cares about? Oh, wait. Um, never mind.

Actually, I take that back: go f*ck yourself, Drew Margary.

But yeah I suspect that Mr. Aldrin will be sent home early. Then again, I don't know. A lot of people who watch DWTS probably remember the moon landing, and the inspiring feelings they got from it. From a time when America's biggest dream was to conquer space, and not, as it is today, to build a motherf*cking high-speed rail system.

Here's an idea-- let's put Obama on DWTS, and Aldrin in the White House.

Sorry, but that whole high-speed rail thing just pisses me off. That's what they want to spend our money on? Geezus H. Goddam Christ.

Buzz Aldrin, doing something that might never be done again. Way to go, "old timer."

But the other contestants:

Niecy Nash: I'm actually sorry to see she's on this season, because that just means that she won't have as much time to host "Clean House," and the annoying fill-in hosts will take over. And I really don't like either of them, as you can probably tell from the fact that I called them "annoying" in the previous sentence. Ms. Nash is a lot of fun and appealing on an otherwise completely unremarkable and occasionally vaguely offensive program. She's also very funny on the lamented "Reno 911!" She's also fairly large, and I don't mean to disparage her for that; there are a number of reasons, most of them genetic, why people become so large. But I doubt she'll be able to do all those fancy-pants dance moves. I don't see how she could beat Mr. Aldrin.

 
Niecy Nash looking pretty good here. She's actually not as large as when she was on "Reno 911!". She might do better on DWTS than I thought.

Shannen Doherty: I think I might have had a small crush on this woman, back when she was on "90210." Maybe. Also, didn't she get kicked off that show, and maybe the other show she was on, for being "difficult"? How does she get to be on a show where you spend a month or two working out 8 hours a day for five days a week (I watched some of Penn Jillette's videos regarding the making of the show back when he was on it). Does she have a following? I don't know anyone who particularly likes her. Mr. Aldrin beats her.

Kate Gosselin: I actually know people who really like this woman. They liked the "Jon & Kate" show, and they blame Jon for all their troubles. So she might stick around for awhile. After all, she is a mother (of how many kids was that again? I forget) going through a divorce. A lot of DWTS fans can probably sympathize. Still, if she outlasts Mr. Aldrin, I will kick a hole in my television set (actually, I will not do this. I doubt I will ever think about this show again after this post, except as it relates to Erin Andrews, about whom more later).

Pamela Anderson: She loves animals, supposedly, and is probably the PETA choice. But how does America feel about her? Well, most Americans eat meat. Most Americans eat a lot of meat. I myself eat foie gras and kobe or wagyu beef at least three nights a week. If I were the type of person who voted for DWTS (and I'm not), then I would not vote for her. Because it's one thing to be a vegan or a vegetarian or whatever, but it's another thing to be a complete hypocrite about it, as the superficial pointed out:
Here's PETA advocate Pamela Anderson, who not too long ago protested outside a KFC, opening up the Sapphire Steakhouse and Gentleman's Club in New York City last night. But, hey, we're in a recession and principles don't pay for hepatitis meds. That said, what was the thought process in inviting Pamela Anderson? Besides finding someone who looks like she peeled herself off the floor just in time for her diner shift. Or did I pretty much nail it right there?
Yep, Ms. Anderson the vegan or vegetarian or whatever she is attended the opening of steakhouse in NYC. You wouldn't catch Mr. Buzz Aldrin pulling some weak-ass sh*t like that. No way she beats him.

Nicole Scherzinger: This is one of the Pussycat Dolls, a group I just blogged about yesterday (and brilliantly, I might add). She is a professional dancer who sings occasionally, which hardly seems fair on a dancing competition show. Then again, life isn't fair. If it were, Buzz Aldrin wouldn't have made that weird-ass video with Snoop Dogg. I still don't get that thing. Anyway, DWTS fans aren't going to let this woman dance past Mr. Aldrin. Never happen.

 
I should probably post more photos of Nicole Scherzinger on this blog. She's no Niecy Nash, but she's alright.


Chad Ochocinco: This guy is a professional football player, whose twitter feed I actually follow. He's pretty entertaining, and if I were a viewer of DWTS (which I'm not), I would hope he made it all the way to the last episode. A lot of DWTS fans' husbands are probably football fans, and the NFL did very well in the ratings this last season, so he might have a chance. But to beat Buzz Aldrin? Nope.

Aiden Turner: I had no f*cking clue who this guy is. I had to do a google search for him. He's a British actor who appears on a soap opera. He is exceptionally good looking, for a man. And even though the recession has caused a ratings spike for soap operas, his good-looks and I'm sure British charm will only carry him so far. Maybe through one or two eliminations. But he won't beat the Buzz.

Jake Pavelka: This guy was the most recent center of the television show "The Bachelor," another show I don't watch. Maybe I should, I don't know. But why do they have to propose at the end of that series? You've known this woman a few weeks, and dated her while you were dating twenty other women, and suddenly you want to marry her? Really? If I were in that situation, I'd want to move into another house twenty more women, and start all over again. Priorities, jerk. No way someone who thinks like that is getting by Mr. Aldrin.

Evan Lysacek: Another guy that I had no idea of who he was. According to wikipedia, he won a gold medal at something called "The 2010 Winter Olympics." Like "The Bachelor," that is a television show I just don't watch, and have no f*cking interest in. He won his medal in figure skating, which is basically just dancing on ice skates. That's like cheating, just like that Pussycat Doll woman. So logically, it would seem that your final two should be the Pussycat Doll and the gold medalist. But logic takes a holiday where reality television is concerned, at least I hope it does in this case, because even though I genuinely couldn't give less of a sh*t about this show, I want Buzz Aldrin to win it.

Erin Andrews: Ah, here she is. The woman who causes my visitor counts to go from hundreds per day to thousands, to sometimes tens of thousands. Internet wits call her "Erin Pageviews" for that very reason. She obviously has a lot of fans, a lot of fans who like to look at her, and presumably would be motivated to vote for her to remain on a show in which the women often appear in very tight and revealing dancing outfits, in which they work up a great deal of sweat. But will they? Will they actually take the time to vote, or will they just wait until the day after each episode, so they can watch their favorite sideline "reporter" online, one hand on the mouse, the other on the joystick (I'm not judging, by the way. to each his own)? Will they be motivated enough?
  

 
Look at her! How could they not? Erin Andrews, along with Buzz Aldrin, are your final two. A real life hero versus a real internet hero. Whoever wins, it will no doubt be cast as some sort of indictment of our culture, or a celebration of it. You know; real accomplishment versus fake accomplishment. Or, maybe it'll just be a stupid reality show dancing competition.

Go, Buzz, go! (But thank you Ms. Andrews for all your help on my blog.)

First Erin Andrews pic source.
Second Erin Andrews pic source.
Buzz Aldrin on the moon pic source.
Niecy Nash pic source.
Nicole Scherzinger pic source.

3 comments:

shampoo said...

i watch dwts every other season (no explanation of skipping around except that's how i roll). i sort of like talent competitions.

buzz aldrin is surely as dance-iriffic as jerry springer. and jerry made it really far his years because of his fans.

of course, there's occasionally someone who doesn't have much of a fanbase going in, but turns out to be a good dancer and earns a lot of support (not enough to win, usually, but still).

if nicey could haul the fake bootie around on reno 911, she should be good to go stamina-wise for dwts. i think she has a good chance.

i really thought dance experience was a disqualifier, but maybe they decided not to worry so much about such details.

i had no idea that buzz and snoop had put out a song. i could not bring myself to click.

Ricky Sprague said...

shampoo, I hadn't seen the Aldrin/Dogg collaboration either until I wrote this entry. I have to admit I didn't watch the whole thing-- about a minute was enough for me to get the point (not that I'm bragging).

I also didn't realize that Ms. Nash's booty was quite so exaggerated/enhanced on Reno 911!. I was a big fan of that show, and she was one of my favorite performers on it, and she's also pretty much the only reason I ever watch Clean House. I hope she does really well on DWTS even though, as I've already said, I don't watch it.

A lot of my family and friends watch the show, though. As for me, I am watching plenty of reality competitions (RuPaul's Drag Race, Celebrity Fit Club), so I'm not sure I've got time for one more.

shampoo said...

dwts really is kind of a strange show. the cast + who they're paired is important. there are people who hunt down every country's version of dwts. haha

i'm watching those same shows. did bobby even knoe he was going on a weight loss how? (doubt it)