Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Jennifer Love Hewitt, Please Meet Jessica Simpson. Please Fall in Love With Each Other. Please Comfort Each Other. Tenderly. Romantically.

I'd like to take this opportunity to introduce Jennifer Love Hewitt to Jessica Simpson. Perhaps the two of them could enjoy a romantically fulfilling physical relationship together. They could make a sex tape. Would you watch that sex tape? I'm not too proud to say that I wouldn't avoid watching it.

Why am I so concerned about introducing these two (full disclosure: I once saw Ms. Hewitt in a Cost Plus Worldmarket or something like that in Glendale California a few years ago, and she actually spoke to me, so I naturally feel I have a vested interest in her well-being)? Well, I have just read an interview that Ms. Hewitt did for USA Today in which she discusses her new book, the title of which implies that she is a "Love-aholic."
You watched her grow up on Party of Five and run for her life in I Know What You Did Last Summer. Now Jennifer Love Hewitt stars in The Ghost Whisperer on CBS as Melinda Gordon, a woman who communicates with ghosts. She also has written a book, The Day I Shot Cupid: Hello, My Name Is Jennifer Love Hewitt and I'm a Love-aholic (Voice, $23.99, on sale today). Hewitt, 31, spoke with USA TODAY about her book, about dating — she has been linked to John Mayer, Carson Daly and Antonio Sabato Jr. — and about her recent breakup with Ghost Whisperer co-star Jamie Kennedy.
Ms. Hewitt has been linked to John Mayer. You know who else has been linked to John Mayer?

Jessica Simpson.

John Mayer stated that Ms. Simpson was "sexual napalm." I did a quick google search and could find no proof that he had made the same statement about Ms. Hewitt, but that's okay. My point is, these two have a connection.

But there's more than the fact that they've both been romantically linked to the same irredeemable jackass. As Ms. Hewitt says:
I'm a hopeless romantic. I love love. My middle name is Love. Valentine's Day is my favorite holiday. I want to have a family and children. I am a sucker for every romantic comedy that comes out.
Know who else is a hopeless romantic? That's right; Jessica Simpson. Back in 2008 she stated as much in an interview in Elle magazine:
“I’m a girl that loves to be in love,” she says. “I love love!” she adds, delighted with herself for such a crisp formulation.
Jessica Simpson loves being in love. She also "loves love." As in "Love."

As in, Jennifer Love Hewitt.

Ms. Simpson has been romantically linked to several men-- former husband Nick Lachey, Bam Margera, Mr. Mayer, American-style football player Tony Romo, Billy Corgan, and probably a bunch of others I don't know about. I haven't been keeping up with her as much as I probably should.

Anyway, Ms. Hewitt and Ms. Simpson-- the answer to your ongoing "love" problems is right under your noses. No, I'm not just talking about your mouths, that would be crass. I am talking about your mouths a little bit, but that is not my primary concern.

My primary concern is getting you two lovebirds together. So you can love each other tenderly. So that you can caress each other's bodies, and apply to each other's lips passionate kisses that will make the memories of bad, nasty, dirty men like John Mayer just melt away.

As Ms. Hewitt states in the USA Today interview:
I know there is somebody great out there for me.
There is somebody great out there for you, Ms. Hewitt. Her name is Jessica Simpson. Please allow me to introduce you.

Seriously, please let me introduce you. I am begging you to let me help you in this way. I will even make a trail of rose petals from the door to the bed. I will light candles. I will try not to make my presence known as I watch. Unless of course you're both a little shy and need a little encouragement. Maybe at first you'd like a man there with you, to sort of help you get started.

Anyway, I'm available.



Jessica Simpson, please meet...


...Jennifer Love Hewitt. I am sure you'll both be happy together.



Jessica Simpson pic source.
Jennifer Love Hewitt pic source.

4 comments:

shampoo said...

omg, some of the guys these girls have dated! maybe all of mayer's exes should have a support group.

if jlh and jess made a sex tape together that might cause the internet to explode.

Ricky Sprague said...

Oh, shampoo-- the internet isn't the only thing that would explode.

Get me? "Explode" is a euphemism. Wink wink.

"Explode."

WooooooooHOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

shampoo said...

haha... this is such an awesome idea! it's a win, win, win. jlh & jess will find love. people who like sex tapes will... explode? bloggers can opine and crack jokes. bonuses: john mayer will be sad. and you might win the congressional medal of honor (nobel prize? adult film industry award?) for boosting the country's morale. yay!

shampoo said...

I forgot to mention, they could stroll down the street holding hands as they window shopped (or really shopped, whatever) and every paparazzi who got a photo would be able to pay his/her bills for the rest of the year, thus revitalizing california's economy. if they visited millions of milkshakes or pink berry, whoever got THAT picture would be able to move in next door to them.

let's see... is there anyone suitable for jennifer aniston among john mayer's exes? (i am afraid the only other one I know is perez hilton.)