At some point, Poodle Bitch wishes that Ms. Simpson would get on with her life, if not out of the public spotlight, at the very least in such a way as to better herself. Despite her fame, she has met with stunning failure as a singer, actress, and variety show host. She seems to have terrible taste in human men. Something must be done; she must help herself. No one else will.
Perhaps traveling the world, learning about other cultures, could help her.
Poodle Bitch will admit that she was at first intrigued when she heard about Ms. Simpson’s new show, “The Prince of Beauty.” A television program dissecting the cultural differences about ideals of beauty, even physical beauty, could make for penetrating television. Having Ms. Simpson along as host added another layer. This, after all, is a woman who has built much of her career on the sturdy edifice provided by those breasts that her own father loves so much. Moreover, she has been accused of being everything from “too fat” to “too skinny.” There is much there to play with.
Alas, Poodle Bitch is disappointed to report that “The Prince of Beauty” neatly sidesteps any of its unique possibilities. It is difficult to say this after merely one episode, but Poodle Bitch believes that it might actually be the worst television show that the odious VH1 has ever offered.
And Ms. Simpson might be the least appealing “star” VH1 has ever built a television program around.
Ms. Simpson begins the first episode with a doe-eyed lament that “there is a lot of pressure to feel beautiful.” Poodle Bitch wonders if perhaps the pressure that Ms. Simpson is feeling has more to do with looking, than feeling beautiful. Poodle Bitch is not a human, but she has a hard time understanding why anyone would care whether Ms. Simpson feels beautiful.
Is not the issue that she must look beautiful?
Yes, for Ms. Simpson flatly states that “People put so much pressure on women to be beautiful.” This is spoken as part of a voice over, while images of Ms. Simpson in short, tight dresses on red carpets are displayed. Poodle Bitch cannot help but wonder if perhaps Ms. Simpson is actually part of the problem, if indeed this is a problem?
Poodle Bitch wonders if Ms. Simpson is one of those “people” who put so much pressure on women to be beautiful.
“I’m going to travel the world to see what makes a woman in different cultures feel beautiful,” Ms. Simpson insists. Poodle Bitch believes that Ms. Simpson does in fact require some kind of education in that regard. However, she believes that Ms. Simpson should take her educational medicine without a camera for which to perform. Ms. Simpson does not represent America. She does not represent American culture. Poodle Bitch believes that Ms. Simpson represents nothing more than a spoiled, privileged, sad young woman trying desperately to prove her relevance to an indifferent world.
Poodle Bitch wonders if Ms. Simpson would undertake such a journey of discovery if last country album had done better?
Not helping are the two “friends” that Ms. Simpson brings along with her. One of them is a fellow named Ken, who does Ms. Simpson’s hair and makeup. In other words, this man is an employee of Ms. Simpson; yet he is described by her as “one of my best friends in the world.”
Poodle Bitch is a dog, so she is unclear on this point: Do humans typically pay their friends to hang out with them?
The other friend, CaCee, “just makes everybody laugh.” That is all we are told of her, although she is shown helping Ms. Simpson pick out clothing with Ken. Poodle Bitch cannot help but infer that the sad, truly friendless Ms. Simpson is paying CaCee to hang out with her, too. As her personal shopper, or stylist, or something equally tragic.
How is Poodle Bitch to enjoy a program when she feels sad for the protagonist? Sadness that gives way to irritation, such as when Ms. Simpson states “The reason I’m going on the journey of beauty in all of these different countries is because I want to find it for myself.” Poodle Bitch wonders what, exactly, “it” is supposed to be in that illiterate sentence? “Beauty”? Poodle Bitch wonders about a human who needs help finding an abstract idea.
Poodle Bitch also wonders why she should care whether a woman who has built her career on having enormous breasts, and shapely legs, but very little in the way of intelligence, ever finds “beauty.”
The first stop for these three sophisticates is Bangkok Thailand. The three are shown being driven in a large automobile, pointing at various landmarks and making inane observations. Poodle Bitch is already considering urinating on her television set.
“It’s a whole—nuther world,” CaCee says. This is the woman who, according to Ms. Simpson, “makes everybody laugh.”
Apparently, she doesn’t make everybody think.
The three are of course “exhausted” from their flight, so they get a Thai massage. Ms. Simpson hopes she doesn’t pass gas, then gasps and cries, “ow!” as her body is contorted by the massage. Has she learned anything about beauty yet?
Thailand’s “beauty ambassador” is a model and actress named Sonia Couling, who hosts Thailand’s version of “America’s Next Top Model.”
Poodle Bitch knows when she is being played for a sucker, and she has now reached her breaking point. The television has gone off. Nothing about this program is serious; it is merely a television vehicle for Ms. Simpson, an excuse for her to take her “friends” with her on a trip around the world, while, for a change, someone else pays them to associate with her.
Poodle Bitch has better things to do with her time.
Pity poor Jessica Simpson. She tried to capitalize on her physical assets, her career faltered, and now she is suddenly concerned about what other cultures consider beautiful.