Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Sandra Bullock Sex Tape

The great psychologist and memory expert Dr. Elizabeth Loftus has made a career of studying how we remember things. In short, her research has shown that we really don't remember things as well as we hope:
“My experiments reveal how memories can be changed by things that we are told. Fact, ideas, suggestions and other forms of post-event information can modify our memories. The legal field, so reliant on memories, has been a significant application of the memory research.”
"You never forget your first time." People say that, but is it really true? I mean, I remember my first time, vividly. I remember that I was really, really good. A powerhouse. I remember that she was totally into me and couldn't believe how great I was. I remember that I was confident and smooth. I remember lasting at least eight minutes. I remember it was Christmas and Valentine's Day. I remember fighting vampires later that day. I remember a bunch of stuff.

Since that first time, I've had a number of memorable sexual encounters. I remember them all. Sort of. I remember them how I want to. All of those times when I was young and strong, and could do it five times a day. I remember my own body when I was in my early 20s. I was beautiful. My girlfriends were beautiful. We were all so young and beautiful.

At least, in my memory.

I should have made sex tapes. I am never going to be that young again. I'm never going to be that vibrant. I don't even really care about the women, but I really wish I could see myself again, at that age, doing something that brought me so much joy.

Oh, I have photographs. Me sitting on a toilet in the Tower of London, with a ridiculously glazed look on my face. Me walking on my hands at the Bonneville salt flats. Me laughing madly while riding the Riddler's Revenge at Six Flags Magic Mountain. Big deal.

Nothing of me having sex.

Pornographic film stars have a real video chronicle of their lives. Of their physical development. Of their style of coitus. Pornographic film stars have the right idea. Document yourself doing what makes you happy. At various points in your life.

During the entire "Jesse James-Michelle 'Bombshell' McGee-and others" story, I have been firmly on "Team Sandra." I admire the fact that she's kept quiet about the whole thing while weighing her options. That she seems to be moving towards divorce is a good sign, not that it's any of my business.

But. After having maintained her silence even as one disturbing fact after another has come to light about the skeevy man she married, Ms. Bullock finally breaks her silence to address the rumor of... a sex tape. It was too much for her, the idea that people might think that Ms. Bullock had been involved in the creation of such an artifact.
"There is no sex tape," she says in a statement to PEOPLE on Tuesday. "There never has been one and there never will be one."
There never will be one, she says. Why say never, Ms. Bullock? Why deny yourself (no one else need ever see it) the pleasure of remembering yourself as you really were-- not in some vague memory, corrupted by subsequent events?

She hasn't made a sex tape, and she won't make a sex tape. It's her loss, and it's' regrettable.

There is no sex tape, and that's fine. I don't blame you for not wanting to make one with Mr. James. Perhaps, even though you married him, you had some inkling that he was not worthy of appearing in a sex tape with you. But there will never be one?

Ms. Bullock, you are 45 years old. You are still beautiful, still youthful. It is not too late. Don't say never. Don't live your life with regret, as I have.

Your husband understands this. He makes sex tapes, even if not with you.
Adding another potential bombshell element to the sudden explosion of Sandra Bullock’s marriage, has learned exclusively that Jesse James has more than 12 homemade sex tapes.
And on these tapes he gets to really cut loose, and be himself. If an unnamed "insider" is to be believed:
The tapes Jesse made with other women are shocking. “Most of the tapes feature a mass amount of Nazi paraphernalia,” an insider tells “It’s all really quite disturbing.”
Of course it's disturbing. Having sex with nazi paraphernalia is disturbing. But at least he has (if this "insider" is to be believed) documentary evidence of his exploits. He doesn't need to rely on his unreliable memory.

"Remember that time I... had sex... I think... what was I wearing that night? Was it the Batman outfit?... Damn, I wish I'd made a tape of that..."

But he has made a tape of it. He won't wonder if it was the Batman outfit-- he'll have evidence that it was the nazi paraphernalia.

He won't have regrets.

It's not too late, Ms. Bullock.

First Sandra Bullock pic source.
Second Sandra Bullock pic source.


Al K Hall said...

Hey, brother.

Thanks for linking the 1st photo back to The Bar None. You're a better man than i, Gunga Dihn.

Al K Hall
Functional Alcoholic Slurperson

Ricky Sprague said...

Mr. Hall, you are a decent man in your own right.