Tuesday, May 11, 2010

EXCLUSIVE! Excerpt from Tyra Banks's Novel "ModelLand"!

Wow, she's hot. She really is. But can she write?

Sure, People magazine has the story that model and talk show host Tyra Banks is publishing a novel-- but only Project Child Murdering Robot has the exclusive first sneak peak at its contents, thanks to the exciting excerpt excerpted below!

Let me tell you, if the novel is anything like the excerpt, look out-- Ms. Banks has a bestseller on her hands!


Chapter One:
Ayrt enters ModelLand

Once there was a beautiful, fierce, and extraordinary young woman named Ayrt. She was so fierce, that everything she did was met with success! Whether it was hosting her own talk show, "The Ayrt Skanb Show," or hosting her prime-time network show "America's Next Great Beautiful Young Woman," or appearing on magazine covers as a super model, she did it all, and did it well, and fiercely.

But still, Ayrt wanted something more.

She was like, "I think I'm meant for something more." She thought this because she was so successful, but she still wanted more. More success, and more ways to prove that she could be successful. Like if she wanted to save children from burning buildings, she probably could.

But she was never around when there were any burning buildings.

She attributed this to her fierceness. If she were less fierce, buildings would probably catch on fire all around her, and then she could save children inside them. But she couldn't. So she needed another way to prove herself.

"I could run for president," she thought. Then she quickly dismissed the thought. "I have already conquered the world of entertainment. Why should I bother with politics? That is so last year anyway."

So she sighed. That's how you could tell she was feeling a little bit sad. Because she sighed.

A bunch of people noticed that she sighed, so they asked her, "Why are you so sad, Tyra Ayrt?"

It hurt their hearts to think that Ayrt might be sad. They would rather think of crying orphans than of Ayrt being sad, because they loved her that much. She was so important to them, and if she was sad then that must mean that the world was sad, because Ayrt was their world.

They were her personal assistants.

Anyway, Ayrt goes, "I'm not sad, I'm just sad because I have already conquered every challenge on this earth, and there are no more challenges for me. I guess I'm just bored." She looked at the floor and pushed something with her foot-- it was like a little piece of fuzz like you find under beds sometimes.

Dust bunnies.

"We want you to feel fierce!" her assistants said. They were almost crying.

Then suddenly this magical creature appeared, sort of like those creatures from The Lord of the Rings movies, and said, "I know of a place where you can conquer!"

Everyone looked at the guy from Lord of the Rings and they gasped. The guy from the Lord of the Rings was like one of those guys from Lord of the Rings, except if all those guys from Lord of the Rings was flamboyantly gay, and wore eyeliner and fabulous clothes and were all fierce.

"Where is this magical place?" Ayrt said.

"It's called--- ModelLand!" the gay guy from Lord of the Rings said, with a flamboyant flourish of his fierceness.

"That sounds like the perfect place for me!" Ayrt said. She practically cried because she was so happy that she didn't have to be bored anymore, because she was such a famous and successful celebrity and everyone loved her and thought she was so beautiful and fierce and independent and intelligent and she was all of those things, but after awhile being so fierce and confident can be boring and she just wanted to be normal every once in a while, and have to face the world the way normal people did.

That was why she sometimes went "undercover" on her talk show, "The Ayrt Skanb Show." Once she put on a fat suit and makeup to find out what it would be like to be fat and ugly the way normal people are. That was so challenging! But she could take off the fat suit and the makeup and be fierce again. Normal people couldn't.

They would never be fierce.

Anyway, Ayrt needed to be less fierce sometimes, and going to ModelLand would let her do that, if she could trust the gay guy from Lord of the Rings. And she could, too, because Ayrt had such a strong gay following that she knew that no one who was gay would ever lie to her, about anything.

"So let's go to ModelLand!" the gay guy from Lord of the Rings said! And then Ayrt went to ModelLand, and her journey through ModelLand began! It was a magical world!

Want more? You're going to have to spring for the book when it comes out at some point in the (fierce) future!

First Tyra pic source.

1 comment:

shampoo said...

eureka! the secret* is to be fierce! (*I mean the book oprah promotes which I have not read.) thank you, tyra, aryt, and ricky sprague!