"Celebrity Rehab": Stretching the Definition of Both Those Words

RE: Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew casting notice!
From: [REDACTED]@irwin-entertainmentus.com
To: ricky.sprague@

Dear Mr. Sprague,

Please let me introduce myself. I am a casting director for Irwin Entertainment's hit VH1 show "Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew," and I would like to invite you to join the program's newest season, to begin filming in May!

As I'm sure you're aware, Dr. Drew Pinsky is one of the top addiction specialists in America, and he has been bringing his unique brand of therapy to help addicted celebrities overcome their deadly diseases for three seasons on his hit VH1 television show. Now, he's got his sights set on you, Ricky.

You've recently come to our attention because of your amazing blog, Project Child Murdering Robot, which we understand is now getting more than 20,000 visitors a month! That is a lot of visitors and you should be proud of the fact that this qualifies you for "celebrity" status.

But we're going to need some help from you on your end, Ricky. Do you have an addiction? We would prefer that you be addicted to some "sexy" drug such as cocaine or heroin, or meth. Meth would be great. Prescription drugs would also be fine. Alcohol would be okay, too. Maybe you like fast food, or chocolate? Anything for which you can claim uncontrollable cravings that you need to be "rehabbed" for. The greater the withdrawal symptoms, the better. Also, if you will be willing to submit yourself to hectoring lectures by our addiction specialist staff, we would appreciate it.

Compensation will come in the form of AFTRA union scale, along with increased exposure for yourself and your wonderful blog, Project Child Murdering Robot, and the satisfaction that comes from knowing that you are helping other addicts by exposing yourself on television and submitting to Dr. Drew's unique brand of therapy.

Remember, if you are an addict, you have a deadly disease that will kill you. Addicts die of addiction. It is a disease. You are helpless to stop it. It's a disease just like any other disease. You can't help yourself. Only Dr. Drew and his trained medical staff can take you through the steps necessary to save your life. Only Dr. Drew Pinsky can save your life. It's just like that song, "How to Save a Life," by The Fray. Imagine yourself, struggling to overcome your addiction, perhaps crying while remembering some humiliating thing you did to get your drugs or chocolate or your internet porn or whatever you might be addicted to (we don't care, we just want you) while the song "How to Save a Life" by the Fray plays on the soundtrack. It probably won't be that song, but it will be a song that sounds almost exactly like it, because songs like that are really popular right now.

Imagine having that scene for your demo reel.

Please get back to us soon, as we are desperate to begin filming and are looking hard for celebrities such as yourself. Michael K and Perez Hilton have already turned us down. Also, someone at the superficial, and Just Jared.

You are our last hope.

Sincerely,

[REDACTED]

I could have laid down a list of what is wrong and made some kind of personal revelation with this song playing in the background. I could have admitted to everything.

The above is an email that I probably got from a casting director at Celebrity Rehab. I think it went to my spam folder, because I never actually saw it. But I do know for a fact that the Celebrity Rehab people were pretty desperate in their search for celebrities. So desperate that it looked as though they might not actually get to do a show this season -- a prospect that filled me with joy.

Alas, the c*nt Dr. Drew has managed to piece together a grouping of celebrities (maybe that word should have sneer quotes around it? is it fair to take shots at the pathetic people who lower themselves to appear on a program with Dr. Drew?) to debase themselves. However and hopefully, production of the show is currently on hold.

Although some taping has taken place for Dr Drew Pinsky’s Celebrity Rehab, RadarOnline.com has learned exclusively that the show has been put on hold.

A source close to the VH1 hit show says “nobody has checked in” to the Pasadena Recovery Center, where the show is shot.

It's always nice to see celebrities making the right decision. Even if they've agreed to appear on Dr. Drew's sleazy show (they shouldn't have done that), they're at least doing the right thing by not showing up for "rehab."

Oh, and just who are the celebrities?

RadarOnline.com confirmed Jason Davis and Shauna Sand were shooting with VH1 cameras on Thursday night for background stories, but they had not checked into the rehab center yet. Tila Tequila and Bonnie Pointer are also part of the cast. A source says the reason for the delay is that producers are having a hard time working with the logistics of the celebrity schedules.

Yeah, you see, I will be pretty busy until July -- too busy to deal with my addiction to Pikotas candies and old movies starring Myrna Loy, so those people in Pasadena are just going to have to wait.

I'm being unfair to the stars of the show, actually. They are more famous than I am -- but by how much? Jason Davis? Brother of the "firecrotch" guy? Shauna Sand (she's kind of hot and took her clothes off for Playboy so good for her I guess, but seriously she married Lorenzo Lamas so that cancels out any good will from the clothing removal)? Tila Tequila, from freaking myspace?

(Apparently, Ms. Tequila claims to be a multiple personality, and one of her multiples attempted to kill herself via twitter. That is real celebrity right there.)

One of Ms. Tequila's personalities is apparently addicted to -- whatever the hell that is she's put in her mouth.

Bonnie Pointer is one of the Pointer Sisters and the Pointer Sisters had some good songs that I still remember fondly, so she gets a pass.

Not that she needs a "pass" from me. Who the hell am I? I'm not even enough of a celebrity to make it onto "Celebrity Rehab." But only because the email went straight to my spam folder, I'm sure.

Bonnie Pointer had left the Pointer Sisters by the time they released "I'm So Excited," but I used to love this video when I was a kid -- wow were those women hot and this was around the time when I first started to notice that women could be hot. By which I mean I wanted to do you-know-what with them. I'm about to lose control and I think I like it!

But Tila Tequila et al were not their first choices for "A-List" celebrities. Apparently they went after the grandmother of them all, Liza Minnelli.

Liza Minnelli won't be getting any house calls from Dr. Drew.

Contrary to previous reports, the actress will not be joining the new cast of Celebrity Rehab, a rep for the actress confirms exclusively to UsMagazine.com.

"Liza Minnelli, who is beginning a national tour in St. Louis on June 5, is not now, nor will ever be, on Celebrity Rehab," her rep. tells Us in a statement.

Yeeessss! Eff you, Dr. Drew!

Which is why they're sending out the email similar to that which I probably received (see above) but that ended up in my spam folder so I missed it.

Anyway, why are the producers having such a hard time casting a great show like "Celebrity Rehab," if it helps so many people? One of the producers recently claimed, in the Washington Post no less, that recovery rates are higher for those who place themselves before the cameras.

"There's no question it's helped," added Howard Lapides, the executive producer of VH-1's Drew Pinsky-headliner "Celebrity Rehab," as well as "Sober House with Dr. Drew."

"They are recovering in front of the world... we find the rate [of success] is higher because the camera is on. It's just the way it is. Dr. Drew believed that would be true... and it proved itself year in and year out with the shows -- it works."

This statement is presented without any kind of challenge whatsoever from the author of the article, Lisa de Moraes, who apparently just prints whatever some as shole producer tells her at a "roundtable" and cashes her checks.

Whenever someone in Washington DC starts talking about an "iPad tax" to save traditional print media because it's oh-so-vital-to-our-democracy, I want you to think about that ridiculous quote and tell them to let the old newspapers die if they can't find a way to compete.

Eff them, and eff Dr. Drew.

I realize that the producer has to say crap like that, because it's his job and he can't live with himself if he thinks any different and he has a financial interest in ensuring his show is seen as something the "new, more evolved" VH1 can air, but the author of the piece should not have left that statement unchallenged. Where is the proof?

Let's see these vaunted successes!

Pointer Sisters pic source.
Tila Tequila pic source.