Sunday, August 8, 2010

Rock Star Penises

Can you guess what I have in common with this man?

Via the indispen(i)sable Iced Borscht, comes this story/list from Metalsludge from way back in August 2004 (six years ago! were we ever really that young?) in which groupies tell all about rock star penises, and the sexual attitudes of the men to which those penises are attached.

The information is absolutely hypnotic. You learn more about these people in just a few sentences than you'd learn from reams of "promotional material." For instance, there's this about Tom Araya, from Slayer:
If you're down with pentagrams and Satan, then not only is Tom for you, but he's got a big c*ck to boot. Tom is about 7 inches, loves to f*ck and is not selfish at all! Also has an uncircumcised d*ck.
That is really all you need to know about someone. You get a little about his personality (unselfish), a little about his interests (Satan), and a little about penis (big).

It's what you call a pithy description.

Mr Araya's description stands in stark contrast to that of Stevie Benton, of Drowning Pool:
An insensitive butthead. Not much going on in his pants or in his head.
There is an amazing amount of information in that single sentence.

I do have to say, I was mildly disappointed in what I learned about Bret Michaels:
The d*ck is about 7 inches or so, and he enjoys providing oral favors. I've seen the video of him and Pam, and his d*ck looked pretty good, but he was way too concerned about looking into the camera. He didn't impress me in the video, and I've also heard that Bret's skills are overrated. If you do hook up with him, chances are he'll keep his hat or bandana on. Also very manipulative and a control freak. If you're one of his side pieces of action, he demands you stay loyal to him while he can go get other p*ssy. A total double standard.
A double standard, manipulative, and he keeps his bandana on? And while there is mention of "oral favors," there is no specific mention of "talking dirty" to him. Too bad, but maybe he's changed since that brain hemorrhage thing.

I did like what someone had to say about Sebastian Bach:
Bach can deliver the good, as most skinny, tall guys can. He has been seen with a variety of groupies out on the road and reports are that he doesn't shower much. He does have an above average c*ck and can be a lot of fun, but is ego is totally out of line and out of control. Is known to be a very big assh*le, so be careful.
Emphasis added because I am a tall (6'1"), skinny (156 pounds) guy.

Yes, I like to think I can "deliver the good," and that I at least have that in common with Sebastian Bach. Most of the time, anyway. I mean, sometimes it's been a long day and I'm kinda tired, you know? I haven't been singing and prancing around on a stage, but I have been, uh, sitting at a desk and typing.

Seriously, the entire earthy and fascinating piece can and should be read here.

Sebastian Bach pic source.


Iced Borscht said...

I agree wholeheartedly -- the information one can glean from the groupies' valuation report is 100 times more useful than the dreck spat out by record company publicists.

It's worth its weight in Magnum condoms.

shampoo said...

did a guy write these? they sound very masculine. i thought groupies were females?