Monday, September 13, 2010

Empty V Awards: The Bar is Low

At last year's Empty V Video Music Awards, Kanye West stole the microphone from Taylor Swift when she was making an acceptance speech. Everyone was scandalized that a grown man would steal the thunder of a cute little teenage girl (I think she was maybe 13 at the time?) in that way. It was all anyone talked about.

This year, Ms. Swift decided to show her forgiveness to Mr. West. In song. Very boring song.

Ms. Swift is now maybe 14 or 15 or something. I'm not sure how old she is. I don't listen to her music, because I am not a teenage or tweenage girl, nor am I a dirty old man trying to appear "relevant." But, really, is this song representative of her music? Because to me it sounds like the weepy ramblings of a teenage girl pining away for the pony she'll never have.

"32 and still growing up"? Yes, that is profound for a teenage girl. But here in the grown up world we understand. Mr. West might be a jerk, but so was Arthur Rimbaud. And you're in the entertainment industry. You are fabulously wealthy and famous. The rest of us have real problems, Ms. Swift -- problems that go far beyond having a meaningless statue taken from you on national television.

In an event, by the way, that solidified your stardom. Your lyrics should have read, "32 and I can't thank you enough now."

What's even worse for Ms. Swift is the fact that Mr. West showed her up again, this time with a superior song and performance, on the same program:

Opening with that repeated "look at you, look at you, look at you" is a devastating put down. More people than ever are looking at Ms. Swift. "You're welcome," Mr. West is saying.

Let’s have a toast for the douchebags,
Let’s have a toast for the assholes,
Let’s have a toast for the scumbags,
Every one of them that I know
Let’s have a toast to the jerkoffs
That’ll never take work off
Baby, I got a plan
Run away fast as you can

The real problem with the Empty V awards, at least this year, was the host. Chelsea Handler is an unpleasant and unfunny "comedian" whose success is a complete mystery to me. Her attitude is consistently smug and self-satisfied, and her face has a worn, haggard look that calls to mind the Monk that "Yorick" encounters in Calais in the second chapter of Laurence Sterne's A Sentimental Journey: "something seem'd to have been planting wrinkles in [his face] before their time."

Here is roughly what the 35 year-old looks like:

And here is one of the promotional photos released by Empty V:

She's been so heavily made up and photoshopped as to appear to be someone else. And for a taste of her humor, check out this skit from the opening of the show:

Lindsay Lohan & Chelsea Handler: 2010 MTV VMAs
Uploaded by TheDlisted. - Full seasons and entire episodes online.

That's about as tired as Ms. Handler looks. Really? Lindsay Lohan jokes? That's what you're doing? Is the fact that Ms. Lohan played along supposed to make it seem edgier?

There are really only two reasons I can think of as to why Ms. Handler might have any fans at all. First, she has posed for provocative photos:

But that was awhile ago and, again, she's been airbrushed almost out of existence. That in itself isn't enough. The second reason for her popularity is that fact that she writes books about drinking and sleeping around.

Oh, and she also dated the CEO of Comcast, which apparently owns E!, or something. That might have helped her get her show.

But I don't know.

I do know she's irritating. Check out this video of her interviewing an actress called Angie Harmon. Ms. Harmon has "come out" as a republican. Ms. Handler is apparently a democrat. A humorless democrat, who doesn't like to hear any dissent in her workplace:

The republicans on her staff must keep that "on the D.L." She doesn't want to hear it. To me, that's like saying you don't mind having faith healers on your staff, but the psychics need to keep their mouths shut. But then, I find democrats and republicans equally contemptible. Or, if you prefer, equally important.

Both groups are ruining the country, is what I'm trying to say.

Anyway, I'm not the only one who finds Ms. Handler unentertaining. Check out the damning-with-faint-praising a blogger over at laid down in "Chelsea Handler's Best VMA Moments."
In another pre-taped video segment, Handler hilariously introduced herself to the Best New Artist nominees, including Ke$ha and Justin Bieber. Handler admitted a bit of a crush on the "Tik Tok" singer, and made the clip with Bieber memorable by accusing the teen star of wearing a wig and chasing him down trying to grab it.
Wow. The person who wrote that posting has what I would call a very dry sense of humor. If that's a "best" moment, imagine what the "worst" must have been like.

 Chelsea Handler made a joke about Justin Bieber's hair. Hilarious and edgy!

Is the bar really that low for these awards programs?

Chelsea Handler wrinkles before their time pic source.
Chelsea Handler made up and photoshopped pic source.
Chelsea Handler naked pic source.
Justin Bieber pic source.

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