Friday, September 24, 2010

I Love Money 3 Episode 2: Getting to the Truth By Laying in Bed With Someone

VH1 assured us that the new edition of "I Love Money" would emphasize the physical challenges over the interactions between the contestants. That's the "more evolved" way of doing things, apparently. For some reason. And yet, the second episode wastes no time in exposing the VH1 executives and publicists for the lying sleazes they are. Less than one minute in --

Chi Chi walks into the room to see his homegirl Brittanya and bid her "good morning, my sweet," and finds her cuddling with the other man in the house she “f*cked,” her fellow gold team member 20Pack. This causes Chi Chi to moan in that plaintive, Kermit the Frog voice, “This hurts real bad because I really like this girl.”

“I just wanna say good morning,” he announces to the entire room. Garth mumbles something.

Um, Garth is in a bed in the same room with 20Pack and Brittanya. Did he watch them while they cuddled? Did he chaperone?

And didn’t Chi Chi say something in the previous episode about being a badass now that he was on a show about money, not love?

A question for Chi Chi: How could someone with so many tattoos be even more of a weiner than me?

“I don’t ever remember ever being this mad,” Chi Chi wails. “You know what? Brittanya made me feel like crap, she needs to feel like crap right now.”

Good strategy from the badass who only the day before had decided to eschew sentiment in favor of badassery.

 Chi Chi wants to play this game without sentiment.

But none of this really matters anyway, since VH1 has already said that it’s the physical challenges that will be emphasized this season, as opposed to the interactions between the characters. I suppose that’s why, a mere two minutes into the show (including the previous episode recap and the opening titles!) Craig Jackson comes on to choose the new captains for the teams.

VH1: If you really are doing away with the “Of Loves,” including “I Love Money,” for crying out loud you need to figure out something to do with Craig Jackson. He is the best host of a reality show outside of Jerry Springer. (Actually, if Mr. Springer retires from “Baggage,” Mr. Jackson could slide right into hosting duties for that show. In the meantime, find him something else to host. Some kind of reality show or a game show.)

Mr. Jackson puts ping pong balls with everyone’s name in a bag, and selects at random: Chi Chi for the green team, and 20Pack for the gold team.

Please remember, this is totally random. Every contestant had a representative ping pong ball. Any of the contestants could have been selected. It was just our good luck that the two men Brittanya “f*cked” happened to be selected. This is the new, more evolved VH1. (And yes, I know these episodes were filmed before VH1’s evolution; but VH1 is evolved now and they would not air anything that had even a whiff of chicanery or underhandedness to it.)

Brittanya: This is gonna be great for me. I slept with Chi Chi before and he still likes me… And now I’m sleeping with 20 – I can’t lose.

Craig then explains the rules that fans of celebreality have missed so much: Team captain from the winning team becomes Paymaster, and gets to decide who is eliminated. The captain of the losing team is automatically up for elimination.

20Pack interviews that he’s not worried. Even a female can take down Chi Chi.

20Pack, The same can be said of every single heterosexual man on the planet.

On to the challenge, which is what VH1 has wanted to emphasize all along. Oh, but first, Chi Chi interviews that he’s either going to send home Brittanya or 20Pack, and he’s going to use the fact that he knows that Brittanya and 20Pack have been hooking up, while 20Pack is oblivious to the fact that Chi Chi and Brittanya have been hooking up.

Got that? VH1 is emphasizing the physical challenges as opposed to the contestant relationships in this season. “Hooking up” is a physical challenge, not a relationship. So VH1 is still keeping it evolved.

Okay, back to the challenge: This one will celebrate the famous tequila-vomit-Doritos kiss between Marcia and Bret Michaels on “Rock of Love Bus.” The challenge is called “Taste My Kiss,” and involved one member of each team ingesting some food item, and then kissing another team member. The team member that receives the kiss must then guess at the food item.

It’s sort of like in “Top Chef,” when you have to guess the ingredient. Except with more kissing.

How can VH1 want to cancel this show? Are you effing serious? This is genius television. I can’t wait to watch this. You know what I can wait to watch? Every single one of your other more evolved shows, VH1.

And to prove my point, there’s Chi Chi’s strategy. To spit food into his teammate’s mouths. Like a mother bird. And he heads straight for Fancisco first. He could have chosen Marcia or Cornfed. But he went straight for Francisco. Actually, he went gay for Francisco. Sorry, that was a cheap joke there.

I can’t believe Chi Chi and Brittanya slept together.

Anyway, Chi Chi’s spitting strategy works, as the green team easily wins the first round.

Second round, Mindy interviews that this will be her first “girl-on-girl kiss,” and on national tv, no less. Again I say to VH1: What are you thinking canceling this show?

Mindy defeats gold team’s Brittanya, and the green team is the winner. Chi Chi is Paymaster. 20Pack is in the box. But who will join him?

More importantly, how would you feel being one of the losers? Brooklyn, Hot Wings, Blonde Baller, and 20 Pack all had people spitting food into their mouths, and on top of that humiliation, they lost the challenge. Yuck.

Garth goes to Chi Chi and tells him that they will add Chi Chi to some kind of alliance, if only he will send home who THEY want sent home. Chi Chi tells Garth he doesn’t care about any of that, and he doesn’t even care about the money. He wants to send Brittanya home.

Garth gives Chi Chi a look like he’s just heard someone say what might be dumbest thing he’s ever heard in his entire life. Garth, one of the stars of “Megan Wants a Millionaire,” looks genuinely shocked. He turns right around heads over to 20Pack. “It’s gonna mean sacrificing your lady,” he says.

“Nope. Can’t happen,” 20Pack says. “I’m not that type of person.”

Later, Chi Chi and Brittanya share a moment. “Can I talk to you?” Brittanya asks. “No, I don’t wanna talk to you because I’ll start crying.” Or, perhaps, singing “The Rainbow Connection.” Anyway, she wants to manipulate Chi Chi into saving 20Pack, so that he can protect her. But Chi Chi wants to eliminate her.

“That would be like Christmas to me,” Chi Chi says. Brittanya throws her drink at him. What a waste of perfectly good alcohol. But it does get 20Pack’s attention, and he becomes part of the audience to Chi Chi’s and Brittanya’s display.

Finally, he learns the shocking truth. A mere three months before, Chi Chi and Brittanya had something special. They “f*cked.” 20Pack can’t believe it (join the club). “Under no circumstances would that happen. She would have told me about that.”

Brittanya will do whatever it takes to stay in the game; including use her impressive physical attributes.

Yes, one expects honesty from a woman with a history of criminally aggressive behavior.

“This is pretty much the best revenge that I can get for my broken heart,” Chi Chi says.

Way to keep it evolved, VH1. By focusing on the physical challenges as opposed to the relationships between the contestants, you’ve made this show… um, pretty much exactly as I remember it.

Punisher pulls 20Pack aside and talks some sense to him: of course Brittanya really slept with her, you fool. Do you think a woman who beats people up for looking at her funny is going to just stand by while a man lies about sleeping with her? (I’m paraphrasing because Punisher made so much sense I didn’t feel a need to quote directly.)

“She’s lying to you, dude,” Punisher sums up.

“Day-um,” 20Pack replies. “F*ckin’ chicks, man.”

So 20Pack crawls into bed with Brittanya, to hash things out. This is how they do things on VH1 reality shows. When you think someone might have lied to you about a previous sexual partner, you get in bed with them. It’s called PRONE TRUTHING. Sometimes, only when we’re laying down together in bed can we be truly honest with each other.

Despite this, Brittanya at first denies everything. They were merely texting partners, she explains. Then, finally, after what must have seemed an eternity to 20Pack (three minutes?), the PRONE TRUTH comes out. “I sleep around,” Brittanya explains. “Is it really that bad?”

No, it’s not. But Chi Chi? Really? And, for that matter, 20Pack? Really?

“But it was like three months ago,” she interviews. “And I never really liked him anyways.”

To the vault: Garth puts himself in the box. This guy is a dummy. The rest of the team, including 20Pack, votes Brittanya into the box. Birttanya takes it personally. “Trust me, I’m gonna f*ck you all I can to f*ckin’ stay here and I’m gonna remember that sh*t forever and it ain’t even just f*ckin’ here, that’s forever.”

“I have to take that chance,” 20Pack says, philosophically.

Garth wants to change his mind about putting his check in the box, but it’s too late. Craig Jackson drops the check in the box. But does it really matter? When Chi Chi sees Brittanya’s up for elimination, he can barely contain a smile. His face turns from that lovely it’s not easy being green shade to a bright red. The tattooed weenie is giddy.

Now it’s on to the Power Outing, in which Brittanya, in her tight dress, will try to look appetizing to the man she threw a drink on the night before. 20Pack will try to commiserate over their respective broken hearts. And Garth? “It’s a love triangle,” he interviews. “And I’m a square.”

But, let us not forget he apparently took credit for a song he did not write. How trustworthy is that, really?

As soon as they sit down to drinks, Chi Chi asks Brittanya, “If I keep you, would you throw a challenge?”

She would. “F*ck my team,” she says. “To win this money, I’ll f*ck the whole house if I have to,” she later interviews. Given her penchant for “sleeping around,” that statement could mean two different things.

What a great show.

 20Pack is one of the strongest contestants physically; yet his heart is just as fragile as Chi Chi's.

If Chi Chi keeps 20Pack around, Chi Chi gets to be in an alliance with the gold team, for life, apparently. Chi Chi should send home the woman who played them both. 20Pack then explains what Brittanya told him the previous night, during their PRONE TRUTHING (I’m really trying to push this theory of mine) session (and which was all caught on tape, by the way), while Brittanya lies and says that she’s much more compatible with Chi Chi. He’s more her type, and he’s nicer, she says.

It doesn’t seem to be working, so she starts to cry. “I’ve got a son… I want this,” she begs. Yes, she used her child to advance herself. She’s like a politician.

For the one-on-one time, Chi Chi picks Brittanya. He interviews that “If Brittanya could just say ‘sorry’ and that she loves me and hold me, I would forgive her.”

Chi Chi. Ah, Chi Chi. Chi Chi, Chi Chi, Chi Chi.

Chi Chi tells her that he doesn’t care about the money, he just wants Brittanya to learn her lesson. She can’t treat people the way she does. In answer, Brittanya “swear[s] to god on [her] son’s life” that she likes Chi Chi, and wants to be with him. She always liked him. She just wasn’t sure that he liked her.

“I guess it won’t work out between us, like, relationship-wise, but, maybe I could still be your friend or something,” Chi Chi mewls.

And outside the restaurant, 20Pack is crying to Garth. Garth’s ear is less sympathetic than Chi Chi’s.

Back at the house, the gold team pulls Chi Chi aside and offers him full immunity through the dissolution of the teams, if only he will keep 20Pack around.

Garth gets the first check, for showing trust in Chi Chi. Also, he’s absolutely no threat to anyone. Chi Chi’s team very much wants 20Pack gone, because of his physique, if not his brain. Chi Chi asks 20Pack what he can offer if he keeps him.

20Pack restates his gold team deal. Chi Chi gets a free pass until the teams are dissolved.

And what can Brittanya offer Chi Chi? Well, she’s loyal, she says.

“How are you loyal, like, this was gonna be our dream vacation together, and then you broke my heart…. We were talking all the time about it…”

“I Love Money” was going to be their dream vacation? Whaaaatttt?

Finally, after the rambling dream vacation revelation, Chi Chi calls up 20Pack and rambles further: “Dude, we both got our heart broken and played by her, man, that sucks I know she can’t be trusted like that dude, and I know you’re loyal, and I’ll last longer if I keep you. I’m just like a sucker for her; she has a kid – I’m just gonna have to void your check… I’m sorry.”

So Chi Chi stuck to the original green team plan, stuck it to the gold team, and came across as a mealy-mouth little Kermit the Frog.

“It’s not personal,” Chi Chi says.

“I can’t wait till I see you in Chicago and thank you again for stamping my check,” 20Pack replies. But isn’t it enough that Chi Chi is stuck in the same house with the infernally dishonest temptress Brittanya?

 And here's a picture of Mindy, because before this episode she was the only castmember who had never kissed a woman before. Isn't it admirable that she waited for the right time?

Kermit the Frog pic source.
Janice from Dr Teeth's band pic source.
Tinky Winky pic source.
Mindy pic source.

1 comment:

A.Jaye said...

I like your theme.

I Love Money isn't about who'll win $250k - who cares - it's about watching a bunch on no-talent famewhores showing what they're prepared to do to win $250k.

Spit in mouth? Really? At least Midget Mac (and Chance) knew how to refuse a challenge. Then got sent home for it.

Having said that I'd let Britanya spit in my mouth. Off camera of course. I'd always deny it after.