Wednesday, September 8, 2010

She put the what in the where now, exactly?

 Where do you think that burger ended up?

The "she" in this post title is the inimitable Paris Hilton, the "what" is, I guess, a Camel cigarette box full of blow, and the "where" is, well, her cookie.

This according to an excerpt from a book called Flash! Bars, Boobs, and Busted: 5 Years on the Road with Girls Gone Wild. It is a real book, about the guy from Piranha 3-D. I mean, the Girls Gone Wild guy, Joe Francis.

The full excerpt can be read at Gawker. I don't recommend it. Why? Well, take a look at this excerpt from the excerpt and you'll see:
We walked in, and she was naked. She was waiting for her next dress or whatever, but had already taken off her old dress. For the record, I'm a big fan of that move. She asked me if it was any trouble getting it, and I told her not really. I took out the Camel box and handed it to her, and she thanked me. We talked for a minute or two about the apparent difficulty of procuring those drugs in Europe. I asked if she was flying private, and she said, "No, commercial." And then as politely as I could, I asked her how she planned on traveling with that amount of blow and X. She held the box in her right hand, and then with an underhand swoop like a lower case J, she demonstrated exactly how she intended to beat airport security. She even whistled as she did it. A little alley-oop with the Camel Box, straight up her snatch. Classic. Right after that they came in with her next outfit, and she put it on. She said we could stay for a while and watch, but we were tired, and our work there was done. We hugged, said our goodbyes, and my roommate and I went back to the car to go home. I don't think we said five words to each other the entire car ride. I spoke to Joe a couple weeks later. He thanked me again for the favor and said it all arrived safe.

I guess so.
I would try to put that into context for you by explaining that the Girls Gone Wild guy called his former employee and asked him to procure some blow for him and his girlfriend, Paris Hilton, and he did so and dropped it off with Ms. Hilton, who was at a photoshoot. But that doesn't matter. It still doesn't make much sense.

Is he saying that Ms. Hilton took a Camel cigarette box (a "hard pack," one assumes) from some guy she kinda-sort knew, and actually put it into her cookie? Or did she merely mime that action?

The prose is so mind-bendingly awful and unclear that I cannot tell. That, coupled with my not-quite-as-good-as-I-thought knowledge of female anatomy leaves the matter in doubt. I am offended by the unclear language of the prose. I strive to carefully choose every word that I write, even on this crummy blog. I would expect that someone who has written a book to do the same.

Anyway, this could be a great marketing hook for Camel. If it were legal to advertise cigarettes, that is. Is it legal to advertise cigarettes?

The Camel hard pack -- fits anywhere.

Remember Joe Camel? There were some nuts who claimed that his nose was supposed to be a subliminal penis. All along, they should have been using a vagina. Paris Hilton's vagina.

Joe Camel pic source.
Paris Hilton hamburger pic source.

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