I was going through my spam folders and I found the following subject lines -- these were meant to be enticing, I suppose. Yet somehow, I was not moved to actually open any of the emails associated with them:
I met my boyfriend on facebook dating.
Good for you. But if you already have a boyfriend, why the hell are you contacting me?
Tarzan in bedroom after 1 doze.
That is disconcertingly accurate. I do occasionally fall asleep and dream that I am Tarzan. It’s like whoever sent this email could read my mind. I am afraid now to open it.
Realize night fantsies
What are “fantsies”? Did you mean to invite me to realize night “fancies,” or “fantasies”? Too confusing.
Show her carnal ecstasy
Okay, I will. Thanks for the advice. Oh, um, by the way: Who is she?
Fast wang-energy improvement!
Does “wang-energy” have anything to do with my penis being a magic wand? Or are you telling me about a questionable Asian cartoon character, sort of like “Speedy Gonzales,” except he’s called “Fast Wang”?
Make out all night and ready for more.
If I’ve been making out all night, why should I expect any “more”? I mean, if I was going to get any “more,” wouldn’t I have gotten it before the end of the night?
Your wife photos attached.
I am not married. You must have me confused with someone else. Creepy.
Re: Your restaurant coupons are ready to be downloaded.
I do not go to restaurants that accept coupons. Nice try putting the “re:” at the beginning, though – I almost thought you were responding to an email I might have sent out. Then I remembered: I do not go to restaurants that accept coupons.
Want to unload your Timeshare? Rent or Sell.
I don’t have a timeshare, and if I did, I certainly wouldn’t be trying to unload it. Not in this economy! Am I right? Huh?
Give her exciting action.
I’m trying to find my own exciting action – now you want me to worry about giving some mysterious “her” exciting action as well?
What the heck is Bankruptcy?
Why are you asking me?
What the heck is this?
URGENT RESPONSE IS NEEDED
HERE IS YOUR RESPONSE: NO! ARE YOU SATISFIED NOW?
Contact Me Asap
Obviously this isn’t very important since it’s not all in caps. You didn’t even capitalize all the letters in the initialism “ASAP.”
Feel more desire tonight.
Just what I need. More desire. Why not offer me some satisfaction?
Okay. Um… thanks?
I think you were trying to reach the 01369882 guy.
I just knew those people had a file on me.
Explosive, intenseOrgasns, 1ncrease Volume ofEjacu1ate, Doctor designed and endorsed.
Do you really expect me to open an email whose subject contains a coded message in which can be found the word “explosive”? The FBI is watching me.
Well, "hi" yourself, mystery person!
Incredib1e gains in length of 3-4 inches to yourPenis, PERMANANTLY v0
Honestly, this one almost had me until the capitalized misspelling of the word “permanently.” Try using spellcheck sometime, jerk.
That is actually my name. How the hell did you people get my name? Is this another email from the FBI?
You could find true love this year
I could also get gonorrhea.
You May Qualify For A Grant
I Could Also Get Gonorrhea.
This one’s too vague.
BENEFICIAL BUSINESS PROPOSAL
That’s more like it – I am looking for specifics about these spamming business proposals.
Reply My Mail Pls.
Unleash Your Creativity
Here’s a better idea: How about I just write a stupid post making fun of you?