After awhile, is it just entirely possible you might look at your life and your decisions and think, "Mistakes were made"?
Not if you're Randy Quaid. You see, Randy Quaid is a special case. He is at the heart of a dark Hollywood conspiracy. The nefarious "star whackers" are after him.
All of his troubles, from the banning for life by Actor's Equity to the Canadian immigration problems, can be traced back to this insidious group that will stop at nothing to damage the reputations of famous Hollywood celebrities.
They've even been known to kill.
Don't believe it? Well, then how do you explain Lindsay Lohan's problems? Mel Gibson's? Robert Blake's? Heath Ledger's death? Michael Jackson's death?
The proof is all around. Clearly, these performers have been taken down by forces outside their own control. The Star Whackers.
What -- you have some other explanation? That these celebrities engaged in self-destructive behavior? Well, that explanation might hold for one or two of these stars -- but for all of them? Do you really expect anyone with a serious mind to accept the notion that Hollywood celebrities might knowingly engage in behavior that would put their careers, and even their lives, at risk?
Now who's crazy?
Yeah, right. Mel Gibson wasn't drugged before his audio-taped tirade. Heath Ledger really did accidentally overdose. Wink.
Randy Quaid and his wife Evi know the truth. They are bravely pulling back the curtain and exposing the insidious Star Whacker conspiracy. It's the only thing that makes sense, given everything they've been through.
Randy Quaid, 60, an Oscar-nominated actor, denied that he and his wife were on drugs or mentally unstable.
"To have my integrity and my reputation so denigrated so mercilessly - why?" he said. "Why would somebody want to do this to me?"
Think about every Hollywood performer who has ever been involved in anything scandalous. Think of every Hollywood performer who has ever passed away at a younger-than-the-national-average age. Think of the damaged reputations, the shattered dreams, the tattered lives. The reach of the Star Whackers is long. I probably shouldn't have written this. My only hope is that my ironic tone will lead the Star Whackers to believe that I don't take any of this cockamamie story seriously. Also, I will quote H.L. Mencken:
The central belief of every moron is that he is the victim of a mysterious conspiracy against his common rights and true deserts. He ascribes all his failure to get on in the world, all of his congenital incapacity and damfoolishness, to the machinations of werewolves assembled in Wall Street, or some other such den of infamy.