Wednesday, December 1, 2010

The truth about the insidious Star Whacker conspiracy

Randy Quaid, the actor, and his wife Evi, whom Mr. Quaid describes as "a character," claim to be the victims of the Star Whackers, a shadowy organization dedicated to, well, harassing, sabotaging the careers of, and murdering celebrities.

The Star Whackers have had the Quaids on the run for awhile now. Back in early November they were attempting to get political asylum in Canada.

Now, their efforts to elude this organization have led them to featured story in Vanity Fair magazine, in a long article/interview that accompanies this photo:


Do those look like the faces of two people who are fearing for their lives?
[T]he Quaids don’t use cell phones anymore, because, Evi said, “they’re tracking us.”

“They” were “the Hollywood Star Whackers” the couple had been talking about in television interviews ever since they arrived in Canada in October, seeking asylum. The “Whackers,” they said, were the same people who may have “killed” David Carradine and Heath Ledger, possibly set up Robert Blake, and could now be targeting Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan. “Are either of you mentally unstable, schizophrenic, or on drugs?,” Andrea Canning asked on Good Morning America. “Do you think we are?” demanded Evi. “No!” said Randy.

And yet -- can you deny that David Carradine and Heath Ledger died? Can you deny that Robert Blake was convicted of murder? Can you deny that Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan have been having troubles?

"The devil's best trick is to persuade you that he doesn't exist!"

That is a line from a story by Charles Baudelaire entitled The Generous Gambler. A variation on the line appeared in the film "The Usual Suspects."

Back to Vanity Fair. Mr. Quaid has been a Hollywood mainstay for quite some time.
Randy Quaid, who is 60, was nominated for an Oscar for The Last Detail (1973), won a Golden Globe for his performance as Lyndon Johnson in LBJ: The Early Years (1987), and has appeared in more than 70 other films, including Independence Day (1996) and Brokeback Mountain (2005). He has worked with countless legends of the film industry (Jack Nicholson, Marlon Brando, Milos Forman, Hal Ashby), meanwhile earning a reputation as a great actor.
Please note in that passage alone, it's mentioned that Mr. Quaid appeared in the film Brokeback Mountain. Another star of that film was Heath Ledger.

Heath Ledger is now dead.

Marlon Brando is dead. Hal Ashby is dead.

Mr. Quaid won a Golden Globe award for his portrayal of former president Lyndon Johnson. Lyndon Johnson is now dead.

Independence Day prominently features the destruction of major landmarks and government institutions.

And that is just from a single paragraph's overview of Mr. Quaid's career. I note also from Mr. Quaid's IMDb page that he portrayed "Colonel" Tom Parker in a film about Elvis. Elvis is now dead, probably.

Mr. Quaid was also one of the stars of the notorious film "The Adventures of Pluto Nash," a film that nearly derailed Eddie Murphy's career.

Mr. Quaid was a member of the cast of Saturday Night Live in 1985-86. It's common knowledge that there is a "Saturday Night Live Curse."

"The devil's best trick is to persuade you that he doesn't exist!"

Mr. Quaid has worked with literally thousands of people throughout his long, illustrious career. Literally thousands of people have died, or suffered career setbacks, faced jail time, or been victimized by all manner of unusual occurrences.

The Star Whackers were in danger of exposing themselves. Everyone could see what was happening to Lindsay Lohan! They were getting careless. Someone needed to deflect. So they sent someone out to deflect. To get us all to disbelieve in their existence.

"It's a cockamamie story," we're all thinking. As the Vanity Fair interview states,
Their car, a black Prius, was crammed with stuff—clothes, coats, shoes, papers, a pillow, blankets, and an excitable Australian cattle dog named Doji, who was hoarse from barking while he was in the pound when his owners were being detained by Canadian immigration.

The car smelled of fast food and dog pee and Randy’s cigars. I asked the Quaids if they were living in their car. “Only on nights when we’re too terrified to leave our stuff or don’t feel secure,” Evi said. “We used to have a Mercedes. This whole ordeal has forced us to become incredibly green.”

“Priuses are deceptively roomy,” drawled Randy, who’s originally from Houston. “We’re tall people, and the legroom is important.”
The Quaids are driving about in a car that smells like pee. They must be crazy! The Star Whackers, therefore, cannot be real!

"The devil's best trick is to persuade you that he doesn't exist!"

But you're not fooling all of us, Mr. Quaid. We know your game. The Star Whackers are real.

The Star Whackers are you and your wife, aren't they?

Don't answer -- no matter what you say, I won't believe you.

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