Monday, December 13, 2010

Why does Lindsay Lohan care what Gwyneth Paltrow thinks of her, anyway?

By any measure, Lindsay Lohan lives an enviable life. With no visible means of support, she is constantly seen as fabulous parties and social events; she enjoys the company of many exciting and famous people; she occasionally appears in television shows, sometimes in an acting capacity; she is famous. Her life is a whirlwind of fun and excitement. And, while it is true that she is in "rehab" right now, we all know that, for the famous, "rehab" is a synonym for "vacation."

Lindsay Lohan is currently taking a vacation from a life of fast-paced leisure.

Despite this, Ms. Lohan has exhibited a disconcerting tendency to "care" about what other people think of her. You will remember her shameful legal action against E-Trade, which ran a commercial featuring a "milkaholic" baby named "Lindsay." Her argument: My name is Lindsay, too, and therefore that commercial slandered me, by comparing me to a milkaholic baby. (The worst part of the story wasn't that Ms. Lohan went for the payday, but that E-Trade actually settled with her over it. I thought that big corporations were supposed to be all powerful with bottomless pockets to fight against any lawsuits?)

Anyway, now, if Ms. Lohan's mother is to be believed (and why shouldn't she be believed? she has her daughter's best interests at heart), she was apparently offended by something that her fellow thespian Gwyneth Paltrow said about her.
Lindsay Lohan is deeply hurt by Gwyneth Paltrow mocking her on national TV, Dina Lohan told in an exclusive new interview.
Why, that's terrible. Why would Ms. Paltrow take the time to "mock" Ms. Lohan on national tv, when she could be mocking US citizens, and people who don't "cleanse."

Anyway, did she do this in some kind of interview or something?
Paltrow recently appeared on Glee and played a Spanish teacher who taught a lesson that included asking the class: "Lindsay Lohan is totally crazy, right?" And, she then quizzed the class in Spanish, "How many times has Lindsay Lohan been to rehab?"
Wait -- Ms. Lohan is claiming that Ms. Paltrow mocked her, because a character that she was portraying in a television show said something about her?

Lindsay, Lindsay, Lindsay. You are an actress, so you should know that actresses recite the lines given them by the writers and directors. That was in the script. It doesn't necessarily represent the opinions of Ms. Paltrow. You can rest easy knowing that Ms. Paltrow still hasn't publicly mocked you.

And, moreover, here is a screenshot from the Glee episode in question:

What do you notice about that subtitle? It reads, "Lindsey Lohan is totally crazy, right?"

"Lindsey," not "Lindsay."

She wasn't even talking about you.

Now, please get out of rehab soon so that you can go back to your fabulous party lifestyle, and your nipple slips. The rest of us, those of us who matter, are waiting. And who cares what Gwyneth Paltrow thinks? The  best she can do is a guest starring role on Glee. You don't even have to work at all.

"Excuse me, but could you please explain why it is that Gwyneth Paltrow felt the need to insult me the way she did, when she was playing that Spanish teacher character on a fictional television program? This is genuinely confusing to me."

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