Friday, October 29, 2010

"The risk of putting a needle near your eye is grave."

That headline is a creepy quote from Dr Douglas Meyer, an opthamologist in Portland, commenting on the endeavors of tattoo enthusiast Matt Gone. Mr. Gone, you see, tattooed his own eyeballs.

He injected ink into his own eyeballs.

He, on his own, without help from anyone else, put ink-filled needles into his eye and squirted pigment into said eyes.

"I patch-tested it, and I was successful," Mr. Gone explains, when asked by the CNN interviewer why he would risk infection in or even loss of his eyes. Here is the video:



This video was found via this article at aol's "Weird News." Click over and you'll be treated to some eye-related puns that are just as creepy as the squirting ink into your eye story, such as,
But his latest tattoos are certainly his most eye-catching.
and
Ophthalmologists say they don't like the looks of eye tattoos, arguing they can lead to infection that could cause blindness or even the loss of an eye.
Do you see what he did there? Har-de-har-har.

Anyway, as it turns out, Mr. Gone isn't the first person to tattoo his eyeballs. That distinction apparently belongs to someone from Toronto with the improbable yet charming name Pauly Unstoppable.
Yesterday, just after BMEfest and just before ModProm, we did the rather stress-inducing experiment of doing the first three “eyeball tattooing” experiments on sighted eyes. The procedures were done by Howie (LunaCobra.net), with photos by Lane Jensen (of Tattoo and Piercing Magazine). The first procedure was done on Pauly Unstoppable using a traditional hand-poked technique. The eye distorted significantly but it was difficult to get ink to hold. Probably about forty strikes in all were done but so far it seems like limited ink held.
Yikes!

Following the link above will get you to some photos of the procedure, which continued on two other people. Those photos are just as creepy as you expect.

And, after finding an incredible TWO WHOLE CASES, the Huffington Post declares, Eye Tattoos Become Newest Trend in Prisons.
Although we don't know much about style-behind-bars, we were aware of the body piercing and the tattooing that goes on in the cells...but two prisoners have opened our eyes to the newest self-mutilating trend: eye tattoos that change the sclera to be blue or even red.
There was a video embedded in the post linked above, but it was removed from YouTube "because its content violated YouTube's terms of service." Having had two videos of my own removed from YouTube for such reasons, I can tell you that could mean anything, although HuffPo does describe the video as "Not Safe For The Easily-Nauseated."

Anyway, if you're determined to watch a video about these gentlemen, here is a brief clip from one of those (forward leaning?) MSNBC "Lock Up" specials:



Creepy.

Happy Halloween! (Don't put any candy in your eyes.)

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Poodle Bitch does not appreciate the exploitation of dogs for political gain

Poodle Bitch considers herself to be above the concerns of human politics. It is generally a filthy business best left to the basest of humans, and she is far too busy chasing squirrels, lounging under the bed, and enjoying tomato slices. The humans can fight it out for themselves; Poodle Bitch is content to take care of herself and humans in her group.

Yet she could not let this go without comment:



Poodle Bitch would first of all like to congratulate Mr. Joe Sestak, who is apparently running for a Pennsylvania US senate seat, for making the most appropriate political commercial she has ever seen.

Politics is poo. Yes, Poodle Bitch would tend to agree, although she finds it irritating to be forced to write such a thing.

But, Poodle Bitch would like to point out to Mr. Sestak that, whatever "messes" the human politicians created that required a "bailout" (yawn -- where is Poodle Bitch's tomato slice?), those messes were in no way canine related. There is absolutely no need to impugn the reputation of an innocent dog in your quest for power.

Poodle Bitch would posit that a few dog "messes" would be infinitely more preferable to whatever human-caused misery that humans are currently enduring.

Poodle Bitch has heard of the phenomenon of human politicians exploiting their children to garner votes. They make public appearances with them, place them in their ads, and give "humanizing" interviews about them on television. Poodle Bitch has also heard that human politicians use other peoples' children to garner votes. "This must be done for the children," they say. "Vote for me, I will protect children."

Poodle Bitch now wonders who will protect the dogs... From the slanderous metaphor being used against them in Mr. Sestak's ad. Only a human lacking in shame and self-awareness (i.e., a human politician) would compare a natural biological function to the collusion between government and corporate interests in pursuit of power and money.

Mr Sestak -- hands off canine bowel movements (except, of course, to pick them up so as to dispose of them in a proper, sanitary, and aesthetic manner). And, more important, please do not engage in any action that causes Poodle Bitch to have to write the words "bowel movements" ever again. Now, if you will excuse Poodle Bitch, she is going to go for a nice long walk.

Poodle Bitch discovered this horrible commercial here.

Poodle Bitch blogs here.

I was actually once in a hotel room with Charlie Sheen

Charlie Sheen, the star of movies like "Platoon" and "Wall Street," and of the current television program "Two and a Half Men," recently got himself checked into a hospital for a psychiatric evaluation after doing something in a hotel room.
Charlie Sheen has broken his silence about his crazed coke and booze binge with a prostitute that left him in a New York hospital early Tuesday morning.

Speaking exclusively to RadarOnline.com, the Two and a Half Men star downplayed claims he trashed his posh room at The Plaza Hotel, in a frantic bid to find his wallet and cell phone after partying with a hooker.


“Oh my man, I’m fine,” he told RadarOnline.com’s Senior Executive Editor Dylan Howard, when asked about his condition after being carted off to the hospital for a mental health evaluation.
“The story is totally overblown and overplayed as far as the reality of the scenario.”
 ...
Earlier Tuesday, he had checked out of New York Presbyterian Hospital, where he underwent a psychiatric evaluation.


As RadarOnline.com previously reported, the Emmy nominated and Golden Globe winning actor was naked and out of control when cops burst into his trashed suite, next to the room where his ex-wife Denise Richards and their two young daughters - Sam, six, and Lola, five - were staying.
He was found naked and in an altered state, according to cops.

Sheen told RadarOnline.com he had no plans to reveal exactly what happened in Room 1832: “I know what went down and that’s where it will stay... under wraps.”
The best part of the RadarOnline story is this line:
Sheen spoke to RadarOnline.com via text message shortly after he arrived home in Los Angeles on a private jet Tuesday night.
That is how you do an interview after being found naked and in an altered state and just checking out of a hospital for a psychiatric evaluation and being flown home in a private jet. Via text message. He probably hadn't had a chance to get to his twitter feed.

Anyway, it turns out that RadarOnline might be wrong about the "prostitute" part. She might only be a pornographic film actress, as TMZ is reporting.
TMZ knows the identity of the woman who ended up locked in Charlie Sheen's hotel bathroom early Tuesday morning at The Plaza Hotel ... she's Capri Anderson, a 22-year-old porn star.

Capri Anderson

...
Anderson -- who's been in a ton of adult features -- has told friends she's extremely upset about recent reports that she's either an escort or a prostitute ... Anderson is adamant she's NOT a working girl.

Sources close to Anderson tell us the 22-year-old was "extremely afraid" of Sheen during the hotel incident. Anderson is telling friends she decided to call hotel security because she felt "threatened" by the sitcom star.

Law enforcement sources tell us officials have no plans to file charges against Charlie.
And as for those not filing any charges, well, Mr. Sheen is rich.
We're told Charlie's rep has already contacted bigwigs at The Plaza and made it clear -- Charlie will pay for anything he damaged or destroyed during all the craziness.  We're hearing the cost is estimated at $7,000 ... but it could go higher.

One big reason for Charlie's rep to jump on paying the tab .... we're told The Plaza has no interest in having Charlie prosecuted for criminal mischief -- provided the hotel is made whole.
And he makes a lot of money for CBS and Warner Bros:
Never mind the messy details, here’s the most surprising thing about the ordeal: people continue to be surprised to hear Warner Brothers, the studio the produces Sheen’s show, and CBS, the network that airs it, are standing by him (again)? And yes, not commenting or attempting to ignore the situation is the same thing in my book.

Of course they are. Sheen, after all, is a one-man profit center.


Sheen didn’t make $30 million last year, a figure poised to soar this season care of his latest contract extension, because his bosses think he’s a good, reliable guy. Judging from the endless stream of trouble he seems to find himself in, they’re probably pretty convinced he’s anything but – but it doesn’t matter.

What matters is Two and a Half Men, the show he has carried for eight seasons, is the most-watched comedy in prime-time.Thus far this season, the sitcom is averaging 15.2 million viewers, a particularly impressive feat given both it’s age and the increasingly fractured landscape it plays in. Among the all-important 18 to 49-year-old audience, it draws a highly competitive 5.2 rating. That translates to approximately $207,000 per ad, the second priciest live-action comedy in prime-time (behind NBC’s lesser watched The Office), according to Advertising Age’s annual report. Last season, it generated $155.1 million in CBS ad revenue for the Tifany network, reports Kantar Media. And none of that factors in the many millions in syndication revenue Warner Brothers (like Sheen) is raking in on an annual basis.
And so that's why Mr. Sheen gets to trash hotel rooms, or (allegedly) threaten his wife by putting a knife to her throat (and in an argument over something as substantial as a Train song!), or whatever. The man helps make a lot of money for two big corporations.  And that makes the world go round.

That last sentence wasn't meant to be ironic. He helps make a lot of money, which in turn is used to employ a lot of people, etc. That is the way things work.

But to get back to my headline: I was actually once in a hotel room with Charlie Sheen. He did not "trash" the room, but he did go to the bathroom and pee with the door open. I couldn't see him peeing, but I could hear it.

Waaay  back in 2000, I had a very menial job on a studio lot. One of my assignments was to work the ABC network's "Press Tour" at a very fancy hotel in Pasadena. This was an event in which many of the stars of ABC shows, like "Whose Line is it Anyway?," "Norm," and "Monday Night Football" came to promote their shows to the "critics" who wrote about those shows. This promotion came in two forms -- the first was a panel discussion in which several actors and writers would sit on the stage and discuss the shows, and take questions from the critics in the audience. The second was a series of one-n-one interviews in rooms the network had rented. The stars would be led from one room to another, answering the same dumb questions over and over again.

One of those ABC shows was "Spin City," which at that time starred Heather Locklear and Charlie Sheen. (Aside: Heather Locklear, in person, is one of the most strikingly attractive women in the world. At least, she was back in 2000. I mean, she was breathtakingly beautiful. Why didn't I get to escort her around? Well, I was unlucky. The guy who did get to escort her was a decent soul, however, so if anyone else got to do it, I was glad it was him.) I was one of the peons who had to meet the celebrities at their cars and walk them into the hotel, and make sure they got where they needed to go.

The "Spin City" panel was ten minutes away. Ms. Locklear and the other cast and crew were already in the ballroom, ready to go. Mr. Sheen still hadn't arrived at the hotel. There was some worry, because Mr. Sheen had recently left rehab; the network had some concerns about Mr. Sheen's reliability, which is probably why I of all people was in charge of escorting him to the panel.

"You've got to make sure he gets to that ballroom, just as soon as he gets here," my supervisor told me.

"Okay, I'll do what I can," I shrugged. "But he's a rich and famous star, and I'm a nobody, so he'll probably just ignore me and do what he wants."

As it turns out, this was what he did.

He arrived a few minutes later and sidled right up to his limousine. One of the men who was with him, an agent or manager, handed me a suit that must have just come from the dry cleaners. He was on the phone, but he cupped a hand over the receiver and told me, "We're in room XXX" (I don't remember the room number). "Okay," I said, "but the 'Spin City' panel begins in five minutes."

"We've got time to go to the room and drop some things off first."

"You're the boss," I said.

I had no idea where the room was, but since I'm not a complete moron I was able to follow the signs and get us there. His room was on the third or fourth floor, I think. The ballroom was on the first floor. In other words, I was leading him away from where he was supposed to be, and the panel was set to start any second.

Mr. Sheen and his agent or manager or whatever he was were blithely discussing something, I couldn't hear them over the pounding of my own heart in my ears. You know, because I was a peon who'd been charged with getting this man to his panel on time and that was clearly not going to happen.

We went to the hotel room. The panel was set to begin. Right then. I decided I would stick with them, as a sort of living reminder of the fact that the panel was set to begin, right then. Into the room the three of us went. The manager/agent took the suit from me. Mr. Sheen went to the bathroom. He started to pee.

He then, while still peeing, leaned backward so that his head was in the doorway. "Is there any reason you're still here?" he asked me.

"Well, the panel is starting right now, so I wanted to  be sure you guys knew where to go."

"Oh, we'll find it. It's in the ballroom, right?" he said. He was actually, I have to say, extremely polite.

"Yeah, we can find it," the manager/agent said.

"Okay, as long as you guys are set, I'll head back down."

"Thanks a lot," the manager/agent said, closing the door behind me. I half expected/wanted a tip. Didn't get one.

I went back down to my supervisor. "Did he make it to the panel?"

I explained everything that had happened, then added, "Like I said, he's a big star and fabulously wealthy. Who am I to tell him what to do?"

"Yeah, I guess," my supervisor shrugged. "If he said he could make it, he can make it."

A few seconds passed and then my supervisor said, "Actually, why don't you go back and see if you can find him. He's still not at the panel and they're worried he might have gotten lost."

It didn't occur to me that he might have gotten lost, since there were signs pointing you in the direction of the ballroom. However, I went back up to his floor, and found him and his manager/agent wandering the halls. They saw me and their faces lit up. It was as if they'd been looking for me!

"There you are!" Mr. Sheen said. He was very friendly. Perhaps we'd become friends. Seriously, wouldn't you like to have Charlie Sheen as a friend? He's rich and famous, and he does a lot of really fun stuff. (Alas, I never saw Mr. Sheen again after that day.)

"You guys ready?" I asked. Everything was perfectly normal. We'd had a small hiccup when I'd left my post after taking them at their word that they would get themselves down to the panel (after all, my job was to see that Mr. Sheen got to the panel, not to see that Mr. Sheen was aware of the panel and its location), but now we were back on target.

"Let's get this done, thanks," the manager/agent said. I led them down to the ballroom. They were less than ten minutes late. From what I understand, that was a very good showing for everyone involved.

And I don't think that Mr. Sheen "trashed" the hotel room, either. I credit my own calming influence.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Future Library of America volumes

Over at When Falls the Coliseum, I posted a "hilarious" bit of nonsense about what future Library of America volumes might look like. The opening:

According to their website,
The Library of America was founded in 1979 to undertake a historic endeavor: to help preserve the nation’s cultural heritage by publishing America’s best and most significant writing in durable and authoritative editions.
To that end, they have been publishing volumes featuring the works of people like John Steinbeck, Dashiell Hammett, Herman Melville, Robert Frost, William Faulkner, etc. But what about future editions?

100 years from now, what will the Library of America deem to be worth preserving?
I’m pretty sure I know.

Here is a look at the covers of some future Library of America editions:




You can peruse all of the "beautifully" photoshopped covers by going here.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

It's important to make fun of fat people! -- because they're aesthetically displeasing; or, hatred on the Marie Claire website

A jackass called Maura Kelly wrote an astonishingly mean-spirited, ill-informed, condescending and illogical blog post at Marie Claire entitled, I am not kidding, Should "Fatties" Get a Room? (Even on TV?), in which, as you can probably guess from the title, she makes fun of fatties. She uses the television show Mike & Molly -- a show I confess I have not seen (regular readers know of my aversion to ampersands; I won't go into it again) about two overweight people who meet at an Overeaters Anonymous meeting, or something, and start dating -- as a springboard for vituperation.

Witness, for instance:
My initial response was: Hmm, being overweight is one thing — those people are downright obese! And while I think our country's obsession with physical perfection is unhealthy, I also think it's at least equally crazy, albeit in the other direction, to be implicitly promoting obesity! Yes, anorexia is sick, but at least some slim models are simply naturally skinny. No one who is as fat as Mike and Molly can be healthy. And obesity is costing our country far more in terms of all the related health problems we are paying for, by way of our insurance, than any other health problem, even cancer.
Note how thoughtful Ms. Kelly is, inserting that "Hmm" right there at the beginning of her insightful musing. In which she states that a program that features overweight people is "implicitly promoting obesity!" (With an exclamation point, even!) That is then followed immediately with the statement that anorexia is sick, but some of the slim models are naturally skinny. There are all types of body types. It takes a completely rotten person with no empathy whatsoever to not see that, just as some people are naturally underweight, some people are naturally overweight.

She then states that no one as fat as the characters on this program with the ampersand in the title can be healthy. That of course is not true.

Oh, but the fatties are costing all of us money! Because they're fat! There are far too many variables to make a statement like that, and without linking to any sources, besides. Ms. Kelly simply presents this as fact when it's not settled, not at all -- there are some studies that show that overweight people have higher annual health care costs, but
the fact that obese people have higher annual health care costs does not mean they have higher lifetime costs. It therefore does not follow that reducing obesity would reduce total medical spending in the long run.
(and what about the fact that people who are slightly underweight actually die earlier than those who are slightly overweight? skinny people are unhealthy and harming America!)

But then, Ms. Kelly is just a nasty little twit who hates fat people. She admits as much in her blog post. Next amazing paragraph:
So anyway, yes, I think I'd be grossed out if I had to watch two characters with rolls and rolls of fat kissing each other ... because I'd be grossed out if I had to watch them doing anything. To be brutally honest, even in real life, I find it aesthetically displeasing to watch a very, very fat person simply walk across a room — just like I'd find it distressing if I saw a very drunk person stumbling across a bar or a heroine addict slumping in a chair.
Emphasis added because that is what this is really all about for Ms. Kelly. She finds them "aesthetically displeasing." You remember all that nonsense in her previous paragraph, in which she implied she was genuinely concerned about the health of overweight people. Not true. Not a bit of it. Maura Kelly, a blogger at Marie Claire, thinks that fat people look ugly, and she doesn't want to have to look at them, not under any circumstances, not at all -- not even to watch them walk across a room.

Oh, but she's not all bad. She says so herself. Next paragraph:
Now, don't go getting the wrong impression: I have a few friends who could be called plump. I'm not some size-ist jerk. And I also know how tough it can be for truly heavy people to psych themselves up for the long process of slimming down. (For instance, the overweight maintenance guy at my gym has talked to me a little bit about how it seems worthless for him to even try working out, because he's been heavy for as long as he can remember.)
Are you kidding me? How completely lacking in self-awareness do you have to be to write that it makes you sick to look at fatties, even if they're only just walking across a room, compare that walking across the room to the stumblings of a (average-weight, presumably) drunk, and then insist that you're not a "size-ist jerk"?

And for crying out loud, can you imagine being one of Ms. Kelly's "plump" "friends"? What a burden that must be! (Actually, why would anyone be friends with such a nasty, hate-filled human being anyway?)

Well, she's not done yet:
But ... I think obesity is something that most people have a ton of control over. It's something they can change, if only they put their minds to it.
Yes, did you catch that "ton of control" bit? She's making a fat joke! You see how clever she is. Hmm. If only those fatties had more self control. Like Ms. Kelly.

Anyway, this is tedious. Ms. Kelly is a complete and utter jackass. She is a rotten person. She is despicable and hate-filled.

But Ricky, you are protesting, she probably feels bad about writing all that hateful stuff. It's just a blog post; she probably fired it off in a few minutes, hit the PUBLISH button and went to Pinkberry, not meaning to hurt any of those fatties that she finds  aesthetically displeasing.

If you still don't think that Ms. Kelly is rotten to the core of her no doubt aesthetically pleasing body, please take a look at the condescending, nasty "apology" she appended to her post:

UPDATE: I would really like to apologize for the insensitive things I've said in this post. Believe it or not, I never wanted anyone to feel bullied or ashamed after reading this, and I sorely regret that it upset people so much. A lot of what I said was unnecessary; it wasn't productive, either.


I know a lot of people truly struggle to lose weight— for medical and psychological reasons—and that many people have an incredibly difficult time getting to a healthy size. I feel for those people and I'm truly sorry I added to the unhappiness and pain they feel with my post.
 

I would like to reiterate that I think it's great to have people of all shapes and healthy sizes represented in magazines (as, it bears mentioning here, they are in Marie Claire) and on TV shows--and that in my post, I was talking about a TV show that features people who are not simply a little overweight, but appear to be morbidly obese. (Morbid obesity is defined as 100% more than their ideal weight.)  And for whatever it's worth, I feel just as uncomfortable when I see an anorexic person as I do when I see someone who is morbidly obese, because I assume people suffering from eating disorders on either end of the spectrum are doing damage to their bodies, and that they are unhappy. But perhaps I shouldn’t be so quick to judge based on superficial observations.
To that point (and on a more personal level), a few commenters and one of my friends mentioned that my extreme reaction might have grown out of my own body issues, my history as an anorexic, and my life-long obsession with being thin. As I mentioned in the ongoing dialogue we’ve been carrying on in the comments section, I think that's an accurate insight.
People have accused me of being a bully in my post; I never intended to be that--it's actually the very last thing I want to be, as a writer or a person. But I know that I came off that way, and I really cannot apologize enough to the people whom I upset.
She didn't want people to feel ashamed after reading her post? Are you kidding? The entire point of the post was to make aesthetically displeasing people feel ashamed. The point of the post was that she hates fat people.

And, she feels for the people who struggle to get themselves to a "healthy weight" (you know, a weight that she won't find aesthetically displeasing). She does not, however, mention those people who are satisfied with themselves as they are, regardless of how "aesthetically displeasing" someone like Ms. Kelly might find them.

Oh, and she thinks it's great to have people of all shapes and healthy sizes represented in magazines and on TV. That's right, she said "healthy sizes." Those sizes that she finds "aesthetically pleasing."

I shall refrain from making any comments about Ms. Kelly's anorexia. That is a serious problem and I hope that she is able to completely overcome it. However, anorexia is no excuse for being a complete and utter asshole.

As for Ms. Kelly: Here is some information from her Marie Claire biography:
Maura Kelly is a freelance writer who is working on a novel. She rides her vintage Raleigh as often as possible - usually wearing heels, and always wearing her helmet. (She will not be a fashion victim!) Some of the things she loves: indie rock, peanut butter, Fellini films, the Brooklyn Bridge, running (slowly) in Prospect Park (always wearing New Balance sneakers) and The Brothers Karamazov. And definitely her friends, too; her tight circle includes a fashion designer, a hard news journalist, a couple magazine editors, a bike messenger-turned-lawyer, a professor of philosophy and an aspiring screenwriter. On her dating resume, there's an unusual number of visual artists, a couple of jazz musicians, and one guy named Thor. Though she's in her thirties, she's never been in love before - and has started to wonder if she ever will be. She's decided she has to start making dating her job if it's ever going to happen. Hence, this blog. Her personal essays have appeared or are forthcoming in The New York Times, The New York Observer, The Washington Post, New York Press, Glamour, Salon, "Before and After: Stories from New York," and "Going Hungry: Writers on Desire, Denial and Overcoming Anorexia," to name a few.
Aw, ain't that just so dang cute! She wears heels on her vintage Raleigh (it's like she's multi-faceted)! She loves indie rock and peanut butter (just not too much PB, right -- she doesn't want to become aesthetically displeasing or anything)! Hey, do you think New Balance gave her a kickback for that cutesy-poo product placement? (I happen to be an Asics man, myself.) And she loves The Brothers Karamazov? Whoa, she must be really, really smart to love Fyodor Dostoyevsky's worst book! And check out all the friends she has -- I bet those magazine editor friends come in really handy for a smart writer like her! Oh, and she's dated so many interesting and unique people -- you can tell just how interesting and unique they are by their jobs -- oh, and one of them was named "Thor"! That's a really interesting name, isn't it? I bet he wasn't even born in America! Oh, but, boo hoo, she's never been in love before (perhaps the hate-filled bigot is incapable of love?) -- this, even though she's dated so many interesting visual artists and jazz musicians! And she has a dating blog!

Geezus Goddam Christ can you imagine a more vacuous "writer's bio"? I mean, this is a joke, right? That stuff is a parody of a bio, it can't be real.

Anyway, why didn't she mention anything about her aesthetics?

Aesthetically displeasing.

I have written about this before. Remember the odious Debbie Schussel review of the television show "More to Love," in which overweight people dared to show themselves on television, looking for love? (Follow that link for more information on obesity.) Here is a quote from Ms. Schussel's review of that show:
And while the headlines scream that, tonight FOX is debuting a show that screams something else: that it’s okay for these fatties to wear a size 24 and cost Americans gazillions in extra medical bills.

I nickname the show, “The Fat-chelor.” But, in PC-victimhood style, it has a far more sympathetic, compassionate, sensitive name: “More to Love.” More like, More to Laugh At. ABC’s “The Bachelor” is bad enough. But now the producer of that show, Mike Fleiss (cousin of hooker Heidi) brings us this “bigger” version. A guy who weighs 330 pounds “dates” several women, all of whom are fat, er . . . “plus-sized”–and all but two of whom weigh over 200 pounds. (The show would be far more interesting if they made the Fat-chelor and his weighty concubines get in an elevator to see if they exceed capacity and find out what happens. )
You can see, this could have been written by Ms. Kelly. It's just that easy to pick on overweight people. Hell, even the first lady of the United States is doing her best to help stigmatize overweight kids. A rich woman in Oregon is blackmailing some college administrators in Missouri to lose a few pounds, in exchange for a million dollars (how fun it is for wealthy people to humiliate everyone else!). But it is tedious, based on false assumptions, and seems to be motivated by a genuine hatred of people deemed to be "aesthetically displeasing."

Can we please stop meddling in other peoples' private lives? Women used to want to be in control of their own bodies, for crying out loud. Now it seems like there are some women who want to tell everyone else what to do with their bodies.

Monday, October 25, 2010

Some advice for homesellers, based on many hours of HGTV-watching

I have been running every day (almost) this month, and I have noticed that there are dozens, if not hundreds, of properties for sale in my "area." In what must now be considered a "buyer's market," with so many "competing sellers," you would think that every single person who has a home for sale would do everything s/he could in order to "maximize their potential" sale.

And yet, I have seen no fewer than three sellers in my area make what I would consider to be very basic home sales mistakes -- based on expertise gleaned from hours of watching HGTV.

"Curb appeal" is vitally important in the selling of a home. If I've learned nothing from watching HGTV, I have learned that. "Buyers" decide within "the first sixty seconds" whether or not they're interested in a home. Often, buyers will simply "drive right past" a home for sale, without even getting out of their car.

Sellers should take no chances in making the outside of their home as inviting as possible. One thing that hosts like Sabrina Soto and Clive Pearse emphasize is using, say, neutral colors in your for-sale home, because the "bold" colors that you love might be off-putting to potential buyers. And hosts like John Gidding and Genevieve Gorder are always harping on the importance of making the outside of your home as appealing to as many potential buyers as possible.

If your house is for sale, don't put anything in or outside or around your home that could in any way cause potential offense, or give your buyers any reason to take a look at any of the dozens if not hundreds of other homes that are for sale in the area.

That is why I do not understand why there are at least three people within a six-mile radius of my house who have homes for sale that also have those ugly, irritating election campaign signs. In each case, the election signs are positioned right next to the "for sale" signs.

You're eliminating half your potential buyers right there. "He's supporting CANDIDATE X? Well, I'm not buying a house from him! CANDIDATE X supports ISSUE I DISAGREE WITH."

I have never liked those election yard signs. Do people who are driving by ever see those and think, "Hey, that house has a sign for that candidate I don't like. I think I'll go ahead and change my vote. What a sign!"? Or, "I wasn't sure for whom I should vote, but somebody had CANDIDATE X's sign out in her yard, and so I was all like, 'Okay!'"?

Those signs are irritating and ugly. Unless the candidate has a really elegant, beautiful name, like Marriannette Mounds-of-Venus, or Jimmy McRib, or a particularly "bold" font is used (but if the font is too bold, that might put off potential buyers!) the signs should not be placed in anyone's yard. They are a detriment.

Especially to selling a home. I feel confident in imparting this advice, having, as I've said, watched many hours of HGTV. Actually, I guess I wouldn't say I've watched it, so much as been in the same room when it was on.

The only reason to put one of those annoying, ugly candidate yard signs outside your for sale home, is to try to entice the lovely Sofie Allsopp, host of The Unsellables, to come to your house to tell you all the things you're doing wrong. She's so delightful when she's scolding clueless home sellers about why their ugly house isn't selling! Maybe it's the accent.

Sofie Allsopp pic source.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

GQ "Glee" photoshoot: Maybe it is "pedophilia" -- at least legally

TMZ is reporting that GQ magazine's recent "racy" photographs of some of the performers from the television show "Glee" has drawn the ire of a group called the Parents Television Council. They think the images border on pedophilia:
The Parents Television Council has released a statement thrashing producers for allowing Dianna Agron, Cory Monteith and Lea Michele to participate in a "hyper-sexualized" photo shoot for the November issue of GQ -- despite the fact that both actresses are 24 years old and Corey is 28.

The PTC declares, “It is disturbing that GQ, which is explicitly written for adult men, is sexualizing the actresses who play high school-aged characters on ‘Glee’ in this way. It borders on pedophilia."
Here is one of the images:


A couple of women trying to look hot, and one guy who just looks like a doofus. Eh. I guess I don't have a dirty enough mind. It didn't occur to me that this might border on pedophilia. As TMZ points out, the actors are all in their mid to late 20s.

But then again, the Parents Television Council might have a point, at least legally. After all, a man in Idaho is facing serious jail time for having "Simpsons porn" on his computer.
BOISE, Idaho - A former middle school teacher in Meridian has pleaded guilty to possession of visual representations of child sex abuse.

The U.S. Attorney's office said Steven Kutzner, 33, had downloaded more than 70 animated cartoon pornographic images on his computer. Many of them depicted child characters from The Simpsons.

Kutzner was a former middle school teacher at Lake Hazel Middle School in Meridian. He resigned immediately after the search warrant was served at his home.

Kutzner will be sentenced Jan. 5, 2011. He faces a maximum sentence of 10 years in federal prison and a fine up to $250,000.
And in Australia, a man had to register as a sex offender for having "pornographic" images of cartoon characters on his computer:
An Australian man has admitted to having pornographic images of cartoon characters, including those from The Simpsons and The Powerpuffs Girls, and now must register as a sex offender, reported The Queensland Times .


28-year-old Kurt James Milner of North South Wales, Australia, will have to report to police after pleading guilty to possessing the images.
So my question is, If cartoon characters can be granted protection against pornographic exploitation, why can't fictional, live-action characters get the same protection?

Maybe the Parents Television Council is right. Maybe GQ's "Glee" pictorial does border on pedophilia. Let's protect all children from exploitation! Even the fake ones!

Glee GQ image pic source.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Todd Seavey, meet Taylor Swift

Todd Seavey, who is some kind of political commentator or writer of whom I had never before heard, made an appearance on C-Span 2, which is some kind of cable channel of which I had  never before heard, as part of a panel to promote a book of essays called Proud to be Right, of which I had never before heard.

I know. Yawn. What do you care about a person, channel, and book that I'd never before heard of?

Well, another one of the panelists with whom Mr. Seavey was appearing was a woman named Helen Rittelmeyer. She was also a contributor to this book I'd never heard of before. I'd never heard of her, either.

You're probably still yawning. But the reason I mention all this is because Ms. Rittelmeyer and Mr. Seavey apparently used to date. And Mr. Seavey hasn't quite gotten over the pain of the breakup. So he decided to use this joint panel appearance on C-Span 2 to air some of his grievances.
When the audience gathered for a Book TV discussion of Jonah Goldberg’s new book, “Proud to be Right,” they got more than your average CSPAN fare.

It turns out panelists Todd Seavey and Helen Rittelmeyer, both contributors to Goldberg’s collection of essays by the next generation of conservatives, had dated at some point before appearing on this panel together. Seavey clearly had some unresolved issues with the break-up and decided to take them out on Rittelmeyer during the event, which was being televised on CSPAN2. The result is the wonkiest, nerdiest Internet revenge ever.
It is a bit painful to watch, but in the best possible sense. That sense of empathy and disgust that occasionally accompanies the sight of a person doing something completely unseemly, and yet at the same time something you might do yourself, if only you were just a little more dopey than you already are.

You're encouraged to watch the excerpt:




Yeah, that's kind of fun. The guy comes out of this looking like a doofus, which is what I'm sure he is. From this clip, we get only a few glimpses of the woman who so clearly tortured his soul. Here's a photo of her:


She is cute, in a nerdy sort of way. I like the smart girl glasses. Plus, she's Catholic, and you know what they say about Catholic girls, am I right, guys?

Anyway, initial reaction is, this Todd Seavey guy should just appreciate the on-again, off-again two years he had with her and try to forget the mind games, or whatever it was he claims she played with him. Everyone, to a certain extent, plays "mind games." Everyone is susceptible to misunderstanding. It happens. In two years, a lot of things happen.

Mr. Seavey, this strange little rant makes you seem like a 19 year-old girl.

In fact, it makes you seem like Taylor Swift. Ms. Swift is a singer of whom I had before heard. She is famous and successful. She is the one whom Kanye West interrupted while she was accepting some kind of award.

Anyway, at one time she made the mistake of dating John Mayer, who is apparently the Helen Rittelmeyer of popular music, because Mr. Mayer left Ms. Swift devastated. Devastated in that way that happens when you're 19 (or was she 18 at the time?), and in love with an older, manipulative man.

And she wrote a song about it, pouring 19 years worth of cleverness into something that is the musical equivalent of Mr. Seavey's C-Span 2 rant.
Based on lyrics from Swift's new song 'Dear John,' off her forthcoming 'Speak Now,' Mayer broke her heart.

The chorus of the song reveals the pair's romance ended badly:

"Dear John
I see it all now that you're gone
Don't you think I was too young
To be messed with
The girl in the dress
Cried the whole way home
I should've known.

It was wrong
Don't you think nineteen's too young
To be played
By your dark, twisted games
When I loved you so.

My mother accused me of losing my mind
But I swore I was fine
You'll add my name to your long list of traitors
Who don't understand
And I'll look back in regret
I ignored what they said 'Run as fast as you can."
You see, Mr. Seavey? When you're a 19 year-old girl, you can get away with stuff like this. But for a grown man, a man whose website is called "Conservatism for punks," well, you just look like a punk.

Anyway, I sincerely hope that both Ms. Swift and Mr. Seavey are able to find happiness in the future. Perhaps they have friends in common, who can introduce them to each other?



Helen Rittelmeyer pic source.

Monday, October 18, 2010

The Obscurinati Network: not for the faint of heart

My new website -- The Obscurinati Network. It has some highly questionable material. Obscure, tragic, bizarre, etc.


Clicking on the image above should take you to the main page. Wait a few seconds for the dancing man to appear. Or, don't wait. I suppose it's up to you.

If for some reason the button above doesn't work, you can click here. The website features just about everything you could ever want to know about

(a) Stumpy Claus
(b) Arsole Fantüme, Gentleman Immoralist
(c) Joel S Muttoe.

Please bear in mind that the material is highly questionable.

TLC's perfect show, "The Three Little Plygs:" Polygamists who happen to be little people with multiple children

My new post over at When Falls the Coliseum is about TLC's new show, "The Three Little Plygs." A sample:
TLC, the network that has brought us reality shows about little people, families with multiple children, and polygamists, has finally created what must be its ultimate television show, entitled “The Three Little Plygs.” Its first episode premiered last night and let me tell you it was exactly as thought-provoking, humorous, and exciting as real life.

The show tells the story of the Popinjay family. They’re just like you and me, except for a few superficial differences. First of all, they’re a family of little people. Second of all, they’re polygamists. Third of all, every one of the “sister wives” has given birth to multiples.

As the husband, John, is fond of saying (he seems to say this or some variant to the camera every five minutes), “Love should multiply, even a little.”


If you’re confused by the title, as I was, let me explain. They are little people, hence the word “Little.” They are polygamists, and “plyg” is a slang term for “polygamist,” especially for those in certain areas of southern Utah (we’re never told where in Utah the little plygs live).  As for the number “three,” well, the explanation for that comes at the end of the first episode, courtesy of John.

John is the first of the Popinjays that we meet. He owns a barbecue restaurant that doubles as a bakery and motorcycle repair shop. They also sell wedding dresses. I didn’t catch the name of the place, but apparently it’s not open on Sundays, because at one point John says to the camera, “We don’t sell sundaes on Sundays.” That is how John talks. He is more enthusiastic than clever, which I have to admit I found charming (not enough to marry him!), although he occasionally takes things too far, such as when he starts explaining about his family’s fertility situation:

“I love my wives very much, but it can be difficult for little people to conceive. That’s why the sister wives all took fertility treatments, and why our little love ended up multiplying the way it has. My sperm count is normal. I actually have very large testicles for a little person.”
The rest can be read here.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Poodle Bitch supports the creation of new television shows based on twitter feeds and blogs -- in theory

Poodle Bitch is aware of the new television program entitled "$#*! My Dad Says," although she has not yet forced herself to watch it. Poodle Bitch's lack of interest in the program has nothing to do with its phony-provocative title, nor with the fact that it stars William Shatner (in fact, Poodle Bitch has a bit of a soft spot in her heart, owing to his portrayal of "The Chairman" on the first and still most charming attempt to translate the Japanese program "Iron Chef" to America). Rather, Poodle Bitch risks slipping into a catatonic state of boredom by a mere description of the show.
$#*! MY DAD SAYS (pronounced "Bleep My Dad Says"), based on the popular Twitter feed by Justin Halpern, stars Emmy Award winner William Shatner as Ed Goodson, a forthright and opinionated dad who relishes expressing his unsolicited and often wildly politically incorrect observations to anyone within earshot. Nobody is safe from Ed's rants, including his sons, Henry, a struggling writer-turned-unpaid blogger; and Vince, the meek half of a husband/wife real estate duo with domineering Bonnie. When Henry finds he can no longer afford to pay rent, Ed reveals a soft spot and invites Henry to move in with him. Henry agrees, knowing that the verbal assault will not abate and now there will be no escape. Describing their father/son relationship is tricky, but Ed will easily come up with a few choice words.

The above is taken from the official CBS website for the program. In other words, that is part of the promotional campaign designed to entice humans into watching it.

Poodle Bitch wonders why anyone would, when it sounds like almost every other situation comedy that has ever aired. The ostensibly sensible family member is forced by circumstance (he has turned into an "unpaid blogger" -- is there any other kind, Poodle Bitch wonders) to return home and deal with his absolutely crazy family.

And these "wildly politically incorrect opinions"? Well, CBS is a major network that relies on advertising to make its money. Poodle Bitch does not believe those opinions will be too "wildly politically incorrect." And a quick perusal (which is all Poodle Bitch could stand) of the choice quotes from the politically incorrect Ed reveals that Poodle Bitch is correct:
"What? You want to braid each others [sic] hair and talk about boys?"

"A bike?!! Take a look out there. Does that look like Bangkok?"

"cheese and crackers that came at me fast."

Poodle Bitch wonders if the hilarity swirls around the character of Ed -- for she sees no evidence of any hilarity generated by him.


So charming, so kitschy, so misguided. Poodle Bitch cannot help but appreciate Mr. Shatner's efforts.

What has made "$#*! My Dad Says" noteworthy is the fact that it was inspired by a twitter feed with the vulgarity spelled out completely. The charm of this twitter feed is completely lost on Poodle Bitch. The tweets are little more than shallow and artless attempts at humor that come across as more insulting than funny. They are certainly not insightful. For instance:
"See, you think I give a shit. Wrong. In fact, while you talk, I'm thinking; How can I give less of shit? That's why I look interested."

Poodle Bitch could not care less whether this man "gives a shit" about anything. And why should anyone try to give less of a shit?

Oh, that is where the humor supposedly comes from. Or, something. Poodle Bitch does not care.

Apparently, someone from "The Daily Show" found this feed amusing, and tweeted a link. From there, it took off, leading first to a book which Poodle Bitch supposes collects the tweeted "witticisms," and then to the television program. Poodle Bitch congratulates the author on coming up with a concept that has apparently captured the human imagination. Apparently, there are a lot of humans who can relate to the uninteresting, mean mumblings of a boring man with no genuine insight.

"$#*! My Dad Says" is the first of a new wave of twitter feeds and blogs that are being mined for television material by producers looking for ideas. The next was a twitter feed entitled Shh...Don't Tell Steve:
Shh … Don’t Tell Steve, which has more than 13,000 followers, follows the action of its creator’s jobless, drunken roommate, without the roommate knowing.

Poodle Bitch wonders where is the humor in such an idea. It is supposed to be funny, correct? Perhaps visiting the feed and reading a few tweets will set her straight:
Finishing making pot brownies. Which, btw, are for Jackass 3D tonight. Steve has set truly unreasonably high expectations for the experience

Jackass 3D pregame in apartment: Spicy Hot Pot Brownies, Honey Wheat Beer, Wings and Aggro Tony trying to light Steve's arm hair on fire

Steve told Shelly if she wants to come to Jackass 3D with us she "can't be all Ms. Haughty Pants, I'm too smart and cool for this"

Steve is in Shelly's head re: "Haughty Pants". Shelly: "I like Johnny Knoxville and I like people fucking with each other. I'm not a snob"

Apparently, selling his twitter feed to CBS is not enough for the person who runs Shh...Don't tell Steve -- he also needs to shill for "Jackass 3-D," a new Paramount film. Poodle Bitch marvels at the corporate synergy on display.

But, she does not find the feed particularly amusing. She notes that the feed has over 1,200 tweets, so it's entirely possible that a few of them are funny. She has too little time to try to find them.

Next came word of a new television program based on a website called "Awkward Family Photos." Apparently, humans occasionally take photos that other humans might consider to "embarrassing." This is based on a sliding scale, for it seems to Poodle Bitch the the default position for human beings is "awkward." Nevertheless:
With news that Awkaward [sic] Family Photos is heading to ABC, someone has to ask how a website full of embarrassing haircuts, dodgy fashion choices and cringeworthy family shots would translate to television. Its screenwriters will certainly have a job on their hands.

Yes, those screenwriters will have jobs, at least, which is an important thing in this economy (so Poodle Bitch has heard. she has seen no reduction lately in her tomato slice allowance, thank you).

Poodle Bitch wonders if the real work will be done by the lawyers. After all, the website (and the book based upon it, Poodle Bitch notices), exist because of reader submissions to the site. Did the owners of the site get full clearance rights to the photos in any and all media existing now and in the future, in perpetuity (one of Poodle Bitch's human companions has sold works for publication before, and has a sad knowledge of contracts)?

As for the site itself, for the most part, Poodle Bitch was unmoved. As she has already stated, humans are usually "awkward." But she must admit that this photo made her laugh out loud:



Poodle Bitch could see creating vignettes, or "sketches," somewhat akin to SCTV or The Dana Carvey Show around the photos, perhaps. But are those types of programs popular now?

The most recent twitter feed to lead to a television deal is "Dear Girls Above Me." As the Live Feed reported:
Dear Girls Above Me is written by a guy who's driven to distraction by the ditzy roommates living in the condo above him. Unlike "$#*! My Dad Says," or the recently sold "Shh ... Don't Tell Steve," however, the entries often dervive [sic] humor from our unnamed protagonist's reactions and not just the quotes.

Samples, each prefaced with the phrase "Dear Girls Above Me":

-- “He said he was Spanish but not a Mexican. What the hell, that doesn’t even make sense!” It does to the entire country of Spain.

-- “Aww, I felt so bad, this homeless-looking bearded guy on Fairfax actually thought it was New Years.” Happy Rosh Hashanah ladies.

-- “I want a guy who’s gonna meet me half way, like the Black Eyed Pea’s song.” I want a girl who doesn’t quote the Black Eyed Peas.

-- “You can’t go on birth control, your tits will get bigger than mine! We had a plan!” Does this plan involve small boobs and a baby?

Ah, yes. Isn't it so very dry that a halfwit is presenting himself as more clever than a quarterwit?

Poodle Bitch finds it a bit ironic that the "letters" are addressed "Dear Girls Above Me," since there is evidence within the texts that they are, in fact, above the petty author. The "New Year's," the "Black Eyed Peas," and the "birth control" comments could easily have been meant by the "girls" to be ironic. Poodle Bitch wonders if the halfwit is being played for a fool.

And, assuming the "girls" really exist, does the halfwit have to pay them a fee for his new television deal. After all, without them, he's just some human no one has ever heard of.

Poodle Bitch is happy for all of the struggling writers who are able to make Hollywood deals based on their websites and twitter feeds. However, she wonders why it is that these Hollywood producers are seeking out the least clever of these new media stars to lavish attention upon. Moreover, she wonders why it is that it must be humans alone that are making these deals.

She happens to know of a very clever bitch who would make an excellent television protagonist. Perhaps she could live with good-natured but ultimately misunderstanding humans, somewhere in Hollywood, and offer observations about the way humans live their lives. If necessary, these observations need not be too witty. Poodle Bitch does not mind being facile, if it will help humans to more easily understand her.

Naturally, the bitch would eat lots of chicken and tomato slices.




Poodle Bitch's blog can be found here.

Friday, October 15, 2010

My email spoofing is the worst thing that has ever happened to anyone, ever

I don't want to appear melodramatic, but, this sight is the worst thing I have ever seen in my life, ever:


These are just a fraction of the "returned emails" that wound up in my trash folder overnight. Apparently, someone or some someones has/have been spoofing my email address to send spam out to unsuspecting people.

To anyone who received such an email from me:

The email was not from me.

I am not trying to send you some kind of "newsletter." I don't want to tell you about some fantastic internet drug sale. Whoever is doing this is not me.

To the person or persons who is/are using my email account as the "return address":

Please stop doing this. It is annoying. I appeal to you as a human being. Think of how you would feel if you learned this was being done to you. You would probably not like it. Because you are a human being.

Thanks.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Something to Look Forward to on November 2

November 2, 2010 is going to be a great day for America, and I cannot effing wait!

Are you pumped? Excited? Oh hell yes you are and you know it!

McRib is back, baby!
On Nov. 2, for the first time in 16 years, McDonald's Corp. will offer the McRib at outlets across the U.S., but even then, only for six weeks or so. "It doesn't sell well all year long because people get tired of it," says McDonald's USA President Jan Fields.
I love McDonald's. McDonald's is one of my favorite restaurants. Yes, I like foie gras and kobe beef and jamón, and wild boar, and sushi, and tacos, and Kung Pao chicken and the Double Down but for crying out loud, McDonald's is inspiring. You can get a full meal for under five bones. And it tastes good, too. And they are all over the world! When I was in Spain and France this summer, I hit a McDonald's in each country and yeah they were a little different but still just as good. Reliably good, anywhere you go.

And have you tried the Sweet Tea they have now? Holy sh*t that stuff is tasty.

On November 2, I can order a mothereffing McRib sandwich and a sweet tea. Dammit, I can't wait. Something to look forward to on November 2.

I'm not alone, apparently.
But McRibs are almost never available at all McDonald's restaurants at the same time. Instead, the Oak Brook, Ill., company offers them in different cities at different times, rarely for longer than a few weeks.

The sandwich's elusiveness has created a fan base of people who go to considerable lengths to munch on a McRib. Ryan Dixon of Burbank, Calif., once drove 10 hours to Medford, Ore., after hearing a McDonald's there was selling the sandwich.

"It has a ghostly quality," says Mr. Dixon, a 30-year-old graphic novelist. "You don't know when it will appear. It's the girl who you are in love with who has always been a tease to you."
Ryan Dixon, I don't know you, but you are a friend of mine. I could not have put it any better. Except to note that a McRib is better than the girl you're in love with who has always been a tease, because you can at least eat a McRib sometimes.

Of course, there are those who claim not to like the McRib. Those people are almost all jerks (no, not all of them, but some -- I'm not an absolutist). Want proof? Well here's some for you:
"It's a conglomeration of pork waste, as far as I can tell," says Kate Sedgwick, 34, a travel blogger who lives in Buenos Aires, Argentina. She has never actually tasted a McRib, and isn't familiar with its ingredients because, she says, "I saw a dog turn his nose up at a piece of one. That's all I need to know."
Oh, isn't that just so droll.

Let me ask you, Kate Sedgwick, as a "travel blogger," do you often huff and puff about subjects about which you have no knowledge? Do you consider yourself above the rest of the hoi polloi because you willingly limit your own experiences?

Argentina is just a stupid country. I haven't actually been there, but one time when I shouted "Argentina!" at a dog, it turned and ran the other direction. That's all I need to know about it. Because I'm so mothereffing smart.

You're a travel blogger for crying out loud. You're supposed to go out and "try new things." After reading this oh so witty and clever quote about the McRib, do you expect anyone to take you seriously anymore? 

Oh, and by the way, dogs have very bad taste. They eat dog food. They eat excrement. They eat their own buttocks. Do you take food advice from such a creature? When you go to a new country and sample the cuisine, do you first run everything past a dog? "I would have tried that kimchi, but, you know, the dog wouldn't touch it."

Jerk. I'm so angry, all I can do to soothe my soul is to eat a McRib. On November 2. It can't get here fast enough!

For crying out loud, November 2, hurry up!

The only reason to look forward to November 2, 2010. A grateful nation can't wait.

McRib pic source.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Porn performer tests positive for HIV: Is it really necessary that the state know his/her name?

The LA Times is reporting some rather disturbing news today, that a pornographic film performer has tested positive for HIV.
An adult film performer in San Fernando Valley's lucrative porn industry has tested HIV-positive, prompting at least two well-known adult movie production companies to suspend filming as a precaution.
That is probably a good thing. You want to have time to notify any of his/her performance partners, test them, see how many others might have been affected. The Adult Industry Medical Healthcare Foundation (AIM) is doing just that.

In the meantime:
Diane Duke, executive director of the Free Speech Coalition, a Canoga Park-based porn trade association, said it was too early Tuesday to draw conclusions.

"What we know is someone tested HIV-positive; we don't know the circumstances. What we do know is AIM has identified that someone is HIV-positive and is taking care of it," Duke said.
Yes, let's get all the facts. By all means. Including the names of the performer, and any of his or her partners... and release them to the state of California?
When a performer tested HIV positive at AIM last year, Martin said, state officials demanded that AIM disclose the performer's work history. The performer filed a restraining order in Alameda County Superior Court barring AIM from releasing the information to state officials; the case is pending, Martin said.

Industry officials said that the actress had worked rarely and that no one else in the industry was infected as a result.

It was unclear immediately how far-reaching the implications were in the most recent case.
If the person is no longer in the industry, then I'm not sure why the government would need to keep track of him/her. Does the government keep track of everyone who is HIV positive?

For that matter, does the LA Times report on every new case of HIV?
A 2004 HIV outbreak in the San Fernando Valley-based porn industry shut down production for a month.

In that case, also detected through testing at the AIM clinic, more than 30 companies voluntarily stopped filming to wait for results on dozens of adult performers who had engaged in sex scenes with either Darren James or the three female performers he infected with HIV. James, who had recently worked outside the U.S., had tested negative just days before performing and was not aware of his positive status when he infected his costars.
I would think that pornographic film companies have a fairly strong incentive to do everything they can to prevent the spread of HIV in the industry. Otherwise, all they're doing is making snuff films.

The state government hasn't exactly shown itself to be completely honest in its dealings in the matter of pornographic film workplace safety:
Los Angeles County public health officials backtracked Tuesday on their statements last week that at least 16 unpublicized cases of HIV in adult film performers had been reported to them since 2004.

Despite their release of data to The Times describing the cases as "adult film performers," the county's top health official acknowledged that the agency does not know whether any of those people were actively working as porn performers at the time of their positive test.
...
County public health officials said they had mislabeled all reports from the AIM clinic as adult performers when, in fact, information about their occupation is unclear. Although the clinic was created primarily to serve the porn industry, it serves other clients.
Um. Oops?

Then again, how honest and trustworthy are those involved in making pornographic films? I don't know, because I've never made such films.

Apparently, the non use of condoms in pornographic films is a violation of state workplace codes.
The exchange of bodily fluids at a workplace in California breaks Cal/OSHA laws, but some experts within the healthcare and porn industries feel if harshly enforced, porn in Southern California will go underground and become unregulated by AIM, making it more of a breeding ground for disease.
Since people like their porn, there will be a market for it. Better to keep the market "overground," I guess. As for AIM, they seem not to be just a front for the industry:
The Adult Industry Medical (AIM) Health Care Foundation is a non-profit corporation formed to care for the physical and emotional needs of sex workers and people who work in the adult entertainment industry through our HIV and STD testing and treatment, our counseling services and our support group programs. We are happy to be serving the sex worker community and our goal is to provide health care for the body, mind, emotion and spirit, as well as to take a leadership position in promoting safe and responsible sexual behavior, not only for the adult entertainment industry, but for everyone.
It's hard to argue with any of that.

I wouldn't venture to make any type of guess as to whether or not stricter government controls would increase pornographic film safety. This is a complicated and emotionally charged issue, and the story is extremely sad. What I will do is turn to the blog of a pornographic film performer, James Deen, who had this to say on the matter [and oh boy I can't stress this enough, Mr. Deen's blog is NOT SAFE FOR WORK]:
Today was crazy… I don’t really want to talk about it. Health and safety are super important and I strongly promote safe sex. I honestly have only had sex with I think 12 girls without condoms (that’s non porno girls of coarse). All 12 of those girls were girls that I knew were tested and on birth control. Part of it is because I’m super neurotic about std’s but also it’s because it just seems right. I know that a lot of people probably have no clue why I’m talking about any of this but whatever. I think safe sex is very important and I HIGHLY promote the usage of condoms and the idea of getting tested as much as possible.

All that being said… I totally had some super well tested and safe sex with Ariella Ferrera. It was awesome!!! She is super awesome in the sack… Well we had sex on gym equipment so I guess it is more accurate to say she is super awesome on gym equipment. Either way she rocks and here are her boobs.
I will defer to Mr. Deen on this matter. Ariella Ferrera probably is super awesome on gym equipment.

 James Deen in a contemplative mood between gym equipment scenes.

James Deen pic source.

Krystal Ball naughty x-mas party pics: the world is changing

I have a new post over at When Falls the Coliseum, about the changing ideas of personal vs private in the internet age. Said post can be read in its entirety here. A little bit:

To everyone over the age of 30, I have a message: The world is changing. Your ideas of what is "personal" versus "private" are outdated. The kids today, they share things about themselves. They think it's funny to post photos of themselves passed out drunk, for their friends to see. They send each other "sexts" (that's a portmanteau word combing "sex" and "text," and it means they send each other sexual text messages, sometimes even with photos of themselves). They take photos of themselves at parties, engaged in the act of "partying."

This is the way of the world now. At the cutting edge of this new standard of behavior is Paris Hilton. She made a tape of one of her sexual encounters, and now she gets paid to make personal appearances. She has acted in movies and appeared on reality shows. She has another new show coming soon.

That's right, you old fogeys -- Paris Hilton built her career on something that you would probably think is embarrassing. When you were young, you didn't make tapes of yourself having sex, did you? You didn't take photos of yourself passed out drunk. You didn't take photos of yourself jokingly mimicking sexual acts at a party.

Sure, you actually had sex. You passed out drunk. You jokingly mimicked sexual acts at a party. But you didn't document it. And if you did, you had enough sense to not pass the photos around. Not like these kids today. They take photos of themselves doing all sorts of embarrassing things, and then they just post them onto the internet, for anyone to see.

And they are getting older themselves. They're taking jobs. Many of them are excelling at those jobs, and rising to positions of authority. Many of those same people who took photos of themselves passed out drunk and posted them to the web are actually hiring people, themselves. What was once unacceptable -- to someone over the age of 30 -- is now becoming an accepted part of a person's past.

Into this world has sprung the politician named Krystal Ball, who is running for some office, it doesn't matter what, as a member of one of the two major political parties, it doesn't matter which one. She is now 28 years old. A few years ago, when she was just out of college, she appeared at a party with her then husband. She posed for some photos which are quite mundane, although a number of people over the age of 30 might consider them provocative. These photos were posted to the internet. Some of the more interesting of those photos can be found here.

Here is one of the photos:


For the rest, you can go to WFTC here.

Monday, October 11, 2010

Hooray for Juan James Rodriguez! Double Hooray for Alki David!

Yesterday, at some kind of campaign event in Philadelphia (by the way why is the president of the United States, who isn't up for reelection for another two years, out campaigning in the first place? isn't there a recession or something he should be looking into?), a man streaked in front of the president!
If billionaire Alki David is an honest man, the man who streaked in front of Barack Obama at the president’s rally today in Philadelphia will be paid $1 million for his stunt. The man who performed today’s stunt, which captured the attention of the Drudge Report and an Associated Press photographer, is 24-year-old Juan James Rodriguez, THE WEEKLY STANDARD has learned.
Hooray for streaking! What an innocent, hilarious way to draw attention to yourself. The human body is a wonderful thing, and we should all enjoy looking at it. The fact that it's so startling to people only shows how repressed we all are, still, to this day.

Naturally, since the man did absolutely nothing wrong, he was arrested.
At the start of the rally, local police arrested a naked man for trying to streak past the President as he spoke. Associated Press photographs show the man, with the name of a website written across his chest, being led away past the crowd.
This is the world in which we live. Someone doing something completely harmless gets arrested, while a politician who has claimed to have the right to kill American citizens without a trial gets to give a speech yadda yadda yadda you get it life's not fair and everything is messed up.

Juan James Rodriguez is my hero for the week, but he has to share his award with the man who offered up the $1 million prize, Alki David.
A WACKY billionaire has offered $1million (£638,700) to the first person who streaks in front of US President Barack Obama.

Loaded Alki David has promised to pay out the cash — providing the streaker writes the name of his website "Battlecam" across their chest.

The prank must be broadcast live on Battlecam, a video-sharing community linked to Alki's TV on demand website FilmOn.
That is taken from an article from The Sun that was published back in August. It contains an hilarious photo of what Barack Obama's reaction might look like, if he actually saw a streaker:


That picture is especially poignant given the fact that Mr. Obama apparently didn't actually see the streaker.

Anyway. At the same rally, someone also threw a book at the president.
In video of the President, the book appears as little more than a blurr hurdling past his head to his left as he waved to the crowd on his right. It is not clear how close the book came to him but it is apparent the President does not notice it at all. The paperback seems to be coming from the direction of the audience penned in closest to the stage, not from the thousands of other spectators behind barricades farther back.
...
The US Secret Service found and interviewed the man who threw the book onstage. He was deemed to be an “overexhuberant” supporter who wanted the President to have a copy of a book he had written, according the Special Agent Edwin Donovan of the Secret Service in Washington. “He was deemed not to be a threat and was not arrested,” Donovan told ABC News.
Emphasis added because don't they have spell check at abc.com? No proofreaders to check things before they are posted to the world wide web? How about in the secret service? Was it someone in that department who described the "supporter" in such illiterate terms?

You will note that abc.com does not give us the name of the book. That is a shame; the publicity could only help this "overexhuberant" supporter. I would like to think that if I had inadvertently thrown a copy of my own book at the president, the reporters covering the story would care enough to note that the title was ARSOLE FANTÜME, GENTLEMAN IMMORALIST. They might also link to it, as I have done in this post. They might also note that it makes an excellent Halloween gift.

 Streaker Juan James Rodriguez, searching for a copy of Arsole Fantüme, Gentleman Immoralist. I mean, being arrested for streaking in front of the president.

Responding to some spam email subject lines

I was going through my spam folders and I found the following subject lines -- these were meant to be enticing, I suppose. Yet somehow, I was not moved to actually open any of the emails associated with them:

I met my boyfriend on facebook dating.
Good for you. But if you already have a boyfriend, why the hell are you contacting me?

Tarzan in bedroom after 1 doze.
That is disconcertingly accurate. I do occasionally fall asleep and dream that I am Tarzan. It’s like whoever sent this email could read my mind. I am afraid now to open it.

Realize night fantsies
What are “fantsies”? Did you mean to invite me to realize night “fancies,” or “fantasies”? Too confusing.

Show her carnal ecstasy
Okay, I will. Thanks for the advice. Oh, um, by the way: Who is she?

Fast wang-energy improvement!
Does “wang-energy” have anything to do with my penis being a magic wand? Or are you telling me about a questionable Asian cartoon character, sort of like “Speedy Gonzales,” except he’s called “Fast Wang”?

Make out all night and ready for more.
If I’ve been making out all night, why should I expect any “more”? I mean, if I was going to get any “more,” wouldn’t I have gotten it before the end of the night?

Your wife photos attached.
I am not married. You must have me confused with someone else. Creepy.


Re: Your restaurant coupons are ready to be downloaded.
I do not go to restaurants that accept coupons. Nice try putting the “re:” at the beginning, though – I almost thought you were responding to an email I might have sent out. Then I remembered: I do not go to restaurants that accept coupons.

Want to unload your Timeshare? Rent or Sell.
I don’t have a timeshare, and if I did, I certainly wouldn’t be trying to unload it. Not in this economy! Am I right? Huh?

Give her exciting action.
I’m trying to find my own exciting action – now you want me to worry about giving some mysterious “her” exciting action as well?

What the heck is Bankruptcy?
Why are you asking me?

=?ISO-8859-1?Q?=47=65=74=20=0A=0A=0A=0A=0A=0A=0A=0A=0A=61=20=0A=62
What the heck is this?

URGENT RESPONSE IS NEEDED
HERE IS YOUR RESPONSE: NO! ARE YOU SATISFIED NOW?

Contact Me Asap
Obviously this isn’t very important since it’s not all in caps. You didn’t even capitalize all the letters in the initialism “ASAP.”

Feel more desire tonight.
Just what I need. More desire. Why not offer me some satisfaction?

01369882
Okay. Um… thanks?

04141880
I think you were trying to reach the 01369882 guy.

From FBI.
I just knew those people had a file on me.

Explosive, intenseOrgasns, 1ncrease Volume ofEjacu1ate, Doctor designed and endorsed.
Do you really expect me to open an email whose subject contains a coded message in which can be found the word “explosive”? The FBI is watching me.

Hi
Well, "hi" yourself, mystery person!

Incredib1e gains in length of 3-4 inches to yourPenis, PERMANANTLY v0
Honestly, this one almost had me until the capitalized misspelling of the word “permanently.” Try using spellcheck sometime, jerk.


Finally_Health_Insurance_You_Can_Afford
I_Doubt_It.

Ricky
That is actually my name. How the hell did you people get my name? Is this another email from the FBI?

You could find true love this year
I could also get gonorrhea.

You May Qualify For A Grant
I Could Also Get Gonorrhea.

Business Proposal
This one’s too vague.

BENEFICIAL BUSINESS PROPOSAL
That’s more like it – I am looking for specifics about these spamming business proposals.

Reply My Mail Pls.
No.

Unleash Your Creativity
Here’s a better idea: How about I just write a stupid post making fun of you?