Anyway, last night was the first stop on Charlie Sheen's "Violent Torpedo of Truth Etc" tour, in Detroit Michigan. It apparently didn't go very well. Actually, I suppose I should say it went about as well as a reasonable person might have expected. But that sounds churlish.
Someone actually recorded the event for posterity, and posted the videos on YouTube. There are six in all. Six torpedoes. I have embedded the first video here; depending on your level of masochism, you might want to actually view it. You might want to view the other videos.
It goes downhill from there.
Entertainment Weekly dispatched someone to the scene to compose a minute-by-minute record. You can waste some time reading that, if you like. Sample:
9:23 — We are watching video of Charlie Sheen playing Call of Duty.Mr. Sheen is right. Nobody knew what was going to happen when a comically deranged man was given carte blanche for a live tour. You've got to expect that it's going to be a demented experience. But you know what? "Demented" works great in small doses. But an hour of a privileged guy with an unusual vocabulary ranting about monkey brains, Vatican warlock assassins, dripping bags of mayhem, interspersed with clips from television interviews and footage of him playing video games is bound to get a little tedious.
9:35 — The show has become a padded and disjointed mess. Sheen plays an old short film he made called RPG starring a young Johnny Depp but the audience gets frustrated and starts booing. Sheen stops the video and says, “Okay, so RPG was a bomb. Tonight is an experiment.” One is reminded of Torpedo of Truth’s subtitle on the marquee outside: “Defeat is not an option.”
9:40 — Sheen says he’s going to “Tell some stories about crack. I figured Detroit was a good place to tell some crack stories.” This comment, not surprisingly, does not go over well. “Show of hands who here has tried crack?” Very few people raise their hand. “I don’t do crack anymore, but this is a good f—ing night to do some crack.” The audience boos.
9:43 — Sheen tells the audience, “You paid your hard-earned money without knowing what this show was about.”
Think about it: When one of your friends starting talking about his "philosophy of life," how long before you interrupt him? And if he did it repeatedly, how long would you remain friends with him? Unless he purchased for you the services of prostitutes, or suitcases full of drugs, or flew you out to a major league baseball field so that you could do batting practice, probably not very long.
The people who bought tickets didn't have any way of knowing the specifics of the tour (Mr. Sheen et al wouldn't reveal the nonsense that they were "planning"), but they shouldn't have been surprised by what they got. Surely no one was surprised by what they got?
Linda Fugate, who paid $150 for two seats, left the theater and walked up the street, yelling, "I want my money back!"And:
"I was hoping for something. I didn't think it would be this bad," said Fugate, a 47-year-old from Lincoln Park, Mich.
"No way" the show makes it through all the dates, said Bob Orlowski, a lawyer from Plymouth, Mich., who watched with six clients in a suite.Could you imagine having this man for a lawyer? "Hey, you're one of my best clients... I've got these bitchin' seats to the Charlie Sheen tour... Let's go!"
"He's not suited for this," said Orlowski, 46. "It wasn't funny."
I'd rethink my relationship with him, were he my lawyer.
But, even if most people were unimpressed or disappointed with Mr. Sheen's efforts, surely there were a few diehards who stayed to the end of the show? And surely those people were rewarded for their loyalty to their favorite warlock?
We're told Charlie did come back on stage briefly and invited the people who stayed to move up closer to the stage ... but then he started complaining about his audio and walked off the stage.Oh well. At least no one threw any eggs at him. Get it? "Lays an egg"? Audiences used to throw rotten eggs at performers when they didn't perform to their expectations. Yes, people used to bring rotten eggs (and sometimes tomatoes) to live shows, just in case the show was bad. They couldn't bring "bombs" with them.
Oh, come on-- that joke was at least as funny as Mr. Sheen's program.
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