Wednesday, July 20, 2011

My review of the new "Dark Knight Rises" teaser trailer

Last Thursday night, I was one of the first in line to watch the final installment of the new Harry Pooter movie, "Harry Pooter and the Deadly Gallows Part 4," and I was so excited, as you probably guessed already. I had on all of my wizard gear, such as my magic wand, and the muggle, and my quiddick things. Also, I had on a cloak, and my Pooster glasses. I loved the last Harry Pooper movie, because it is just exactly the movie that fans of this long-running, unique fantasy series deserve. It had all the wonderment of the other films of the series, although I was surprised by the part when Harry Pookie died, but I especially loved the part where Harry pooped in Hermiony's mouth. Even though I think that they stole my idea for a movie where people poop in each others' mouths when they have romantic relations, I still loved it because that is how real wizards would be romantic with each other, and also share their magical relations, by trading the magic that comes out of their butts ("potters"), and putting it directly in the mouth of the other wizard ("consumption").

But what really made me excited was that the new "Dark Knight Arises" teaser trailer was released at the same time as the new Harry Pooted movie. This created quite a dilemma for me, as a fan of both this unique movie series about a school for magic and a "chosen one" who has to do a lot of magical stuff and avenge the deaths of his family by a fearsome villain who seems to be unstoppable, and a fan of the other, Batman movie series about a superhero whose parents are killed so he goes out to avenge their deaths by doing a bunch of stuff and he learns how to be a hero because he's a designated heroic person who has to save everybody. The dilemma was: How do I concentrate on this great Harry Potters movie, when I have just seen the teaser trailer for the next greatest film of all time, "The Dark Knight Raises"? Well, the answer was to just go see the new Harpy Toasters film a second, and then a third time, but as a fan of all the wonderful wizarding action of those films, I was going to do that anyway. So my next answer was to talk about all the great stuff that I saw in the new "Darker Knight than the Previous Dark Knight" teaser trailer.

Then I decided to wait because the teaser trailer was only available in the movies, and I didn't want to talk about this great teaser trailer without people being able to see it online, because talking about it when only people who have gone to see the latest Herky Perky movie have seen it seemed like a cruel thing to do, because as I've already said, the new Hoary Pottie movie is the greatest film of all time, full of unique visuals and magical scenarios that make you love life all the more. Now the teaser trailer is available online, so now I can talk about it.

First of all, here is the teaser trailer:

The first thing you'll notice is the green screen, and the announcement announcing that "The following PREVIEW has been approved for APPROPRIATE AUDIENCES by the Motion Picture Association of America, Inc." This raises ("rises") a lot of questions. For instance, what is an "APPROPRIATE AUDIENCE"? Who is the mysterious "Motion Picture Association of America, Inc"? Are they the people who decided who is an "appropriate audience"? Are they in any way associated with the League of Shadows, which is the group that tried to kill Batman in "Batman Begins"? Why are some of the words in this strange message, such as the word "PREVIEW," written in much bolder letters than the other words? Is director Christopher Nolan, who is known as a very clever person who makes clever films, sending us a secret message, i.e., "PREVIEW APPROPRIATE AUDIENCES"? Could this be a secret cry for help from the Batman?

The next part that we notice is the blue smoke, and then there is a logo for Warner Bros, and then for LEGENDARY PICTURES. What could be the meaning of this blue smoke? It is probably has to do with the fact that there is going to be some fires in this movie, and then the Dark Knight will "rise" from the ashes of the fire, like that famous bird of myth, the gryphon. That is from the Harry Pooler movies, as well, as the students of Wizard University all ride on gryphons when they play their wizard game Squamish. But anyway, in the last Batman movie, you will remember that the Joker did a bunch of stuff where he exploded everything like the hospital, and then he set all that money on fire as well, so probably since we've been hearing that this last installment of Christopher Nolan's series will bring the entire trilogy full circle, this blue smoke is a reference to that. But, why is the smoke blue? Is it because the Dark Knight is really sad ("blue")? Or is it because something that was burning caused the smoke to be blue, like if you burned a piece of blue paper on which you'd written the words "Don't give up, Batman!," the paper would make blue smoke when it burned? Probably that is it.

Warner Bros is the company that made the Batman movies, and Legendary Pictures is another company that also made the Batman movies, so that is what those logos mean. But why are these mysterious organizations working together, when Warner Bros owns DC comics, which owns Batman? Why did they have to work with another movie company to make this movie? Is this a reference to the mysterious League of Shadows, which tried to kill Batman in the first movie?

Food Network's Guy Fieri appears in the new Batman film as "BallBuster"

Next, the screen goes black. An eerie feeling arrests your soul. This blackness is no doubt a reference to the blackness that accompanies the feeling of loss that you feel when a great movie franchise is about to stop making tons and tons of money. The Warner Bros and Legendary Pictures people were probably all sad and blue because of the fact that this is the last new Batman movie that will be released until the next reboot, which will probably be in about six months and I for one can. Not. WAIT for that, you know it will be amazing, because this teaser trailer is so great. But what does the blackness REALLY mean? Could it be the blackness of Batman's soul? Or the soul of the villains that Batman will face in this movie? I can't wait to find out!

Next we see some buildings. I wonder what the buildings could mean. Could they mean that this movie will take place in, oh, I don't know... A CITY? Such as, perhaps, the home base of Batman, GOTHAM CITY (If you read the comics or saw the other Batman movies you probably already knew that)? This teaser trailer is letting us know that the movie takes place in Gotham City, which is not all that surprising.

Next, the screen goes black again, a reference to the blackness we saw earlier in the teaser trailer. Then there is a message on the screen,


Is that a message to us, or to Batman? Who is sending the message? Perhaps it is the mysterious League of Shadows, which tried to kill Batman in the first Christopher Nolan Batman film? All we can be sure of for sure is the fact that there is no period (".") at the end of this message, which means that it is an incomplete thought... There is more coming!

Next, the screen goes black again, a reference to the last time the screen went black in this teaser trailer, and we hear Liam Neeson's voice from the first movie, telling Bruce Wayne that he needed to be more than a man so that he could be a Batman and scare criminals, and we see a clip from the first Christopher Nolan Batman film. That is no doubt a reference to the first Christopher Nolan Batman film, and you love it because you know that this "journey" (remember the first message we just saw a few seconds before?) is coming full circle for this "hero," i.e., "Batman."

Pornographic film actress Penny Flame as the mysterious Batman villain Madame Garters and Long Filter.

The screen goes black again! This is probably a reference to when Batman lost consciousness that one time, and I will tell you why I think that is so in just a minute (it's because of Bane being one of the villains in this movie!). Next, we see another message, probably from the same mysterious figures?


Now that is ominous. I wonder if this in fact a message from the mysterious Hollywood Star Whackers, who are after Randy and Evi Quaid, both of whom are in this movie, I have heard.

Then the screen goes black again, probably a reference to the blackness of fear that engulfs a tortured soul, because then we see another clip from "Batman Begins," where young Bruce Wayne is being chased by scary bats, and by Katie Holmes. Because this new movie brings the trilogy full circle, Katie Holmes will make an appearance as the mysterious Lady Replaced, a villain who can replace herself by creating imperfect duplicates of herself to take her place. It will be interesting to see just how they decide to work her into the movie, considering this film features about 100 villains, including Liam Neeson as Qi Gon's Al-Ghul, from the first movie, although it is unclear at this point if he will appear in a flashback sequence, or if he cheated death in the first movie.

Next, the screen goes black again, and we finally find out who has been sending us those mysterious messages from earlier ("EVERY HERO HAS A ETC"):


You love that message, because you were worried the messages were being sent by the mysterious League of Shadows, the group that tried to kill Batman in "Batman Begins." Instead, the message is from the filmmaker himself, so you know that Batman isn't in any real danger, he probably won't die or anything, even though Bane is in this movie, and Bane killed Batman in the original comics by sending all of his former villains out after him, learning about all of his weaknesses, and then, when he found out that Batman had a spine and that breaking his spine and killing him would probably be his weakness, he broke Batman's spine and killed him, because Bane is the smartest Batman villain and no other villain had ever thought to break Batman's spine and kill him.

The screen goes black again. Then, we get our first glimpse of "Community" and "Hangover 2" star Ken Jeong as Penguin. He is in everything right now, and he is so funny. But here he plays a very scary version of the Penguin. He's a little more Asian than the comic book version of the Penguin, but everyone scoffed when Christopher Nolan cast Heath Ledger as the Joker, and we all know how that turned out (Heath Ledger died). The Penguin tells Batman "I'm gonna kill you now!" and does a karate style kick. At this point, it is unclear if this is supposed to be funny or not, but it definitely looks scary, even though I did laugh a little bit, too, but only because of "Community" is so funny -- it's like a TV show about TV shows! How can that NOT be funny? Every single week. It's like a deconstruction of the sit-com format. It's so funny. Just what we deserve. A deconstruction of sit-coms. Also, "Hangover 2" was the same as "Hangover 1," which was so good that it needed to be remade two years later.

"Community" and "Hangover 2" star Ken Jeong as Penguin in the new film "Dark Knight Gets Bigger."

Anyway, then the screen goes black again. There is an image of Gary Oldman giving Christian Bale an acting class. He says, "The trick is to take any kind of dialogue, no matter how over-ripe, and make it believable." Then he proceeds to do just that, telling him, "You must RISE from this bed, and fight evil once again!" And then Christian Bale goes, "What if I don't exist anymore" (which is a reference to Grant Morrison's run on the Batman comic book, when Bruce Wayne disappeared for awhile in another dimension by going back in time, and then Bruce Wayne's son, John Wayne, took over as Batman for awhile, and the old Robin became Dick Grayson, who was a trapeze stripper and he went on tour with Glenn Beck. I have said it before and I'll say it again: I don't think Grant Morrison knew where he was going with that whole arc.

Anyway, do you think that this signals that Batman is going to join the Fantastic Four or, excuse me, the Future Foundation, in this movie? Probably, because next we see an image of Tom Hardy as The Thing. He really beefed up for this role, and took some kind of medicine that turned his skin into a sort of rocky substance -- talk about dedication! -- so his look is quite convincing, yet still in keeping with the "realism" of the previous Christopher Nolan films.

 Randy and Evi Quaid as Batman villains the Hollywood Star Whackers.

Next we see Randy and Evi Quaid as the Hollywood Star Whackers. "We are going to end your franchise!" they scream while, in the background, Ken Jeong's Penguin does a spin kick, kicking Robin in the gut, and causing Robin's bowels to evacuate, a la Arsole Fantüme. The screen goes black immediately, and then we see DC Comics publisher Dan DiDio talking about how all of the DC comic books are going to reboot in September. I am almost as excited about that as I am about the next Batman movie, "The Dark Knight is Really, Really Dark Trust Us," because as Dan DiDio says, "Everybody, no matter how dumb, will love our new DC comics series!" and you know that is true.

Next there is a brief shot of Ryan Reynolds as Green Lantern. He looks into the camera and he says, "Save me, Batman!" and then he disappears in a puff of green smoke, which is probably a reference to the blue smoke at the beginning of the trailer.

Then we see Anne Hathaway as Catwoman. She says, "I think that it would be good to sleep with you," and then she winks at me. Then she jumps off the screen and into my arms, and we pick up Megan Fox and Myammee from VH1's I Love Money and go to the Chateau Marmont and the next morning the paparazzi are all waiting outside and we all leave at the same time, kind of grinning sheepishly.

Megan Fox ignoring a fan trying to give her a yellow rose as I lead her into the Chateau Marmont, so we can spend the night together.

Anyway, I think that this trailer looks really amazing, and if it weren't for the fact that the new Harry Harry movie was already released, I would say that it was the greatest movie of the year, but as it is, I can only say that it is the second best movie of the year.


A.Jaye said...

I bet you really did watch Harry Potter didn't ya?

Ricky Sprague said...

A.Jaye, I will let you in on a little secret: I tried to watch the first Harry Potter movie earlier this year. Got about 20 minutes in, and could not




As the featured character in my favorite British popular literature series, Bridget Jones, would say: Ugh.