Readers of Project Child Murdering Robot don't have to wait until mid September to learn the truth about Ashton Kutcher and Two and a Half Men.
Through extremely tortured means, I happened to come upon a copy of the script for the season premiere of "Two and a Half Men." This is the same script that the actors are going through at a "table read" later today, per Deadline Hollywood. How this script came into my possession isn't important. What is important is that I am offering a brief synopsis and review of said script, in which Charlie Sheen's character is killed off, and Ashton Kutcher's character is introduced.
First: You're welcome. Second: Get ready to be amazed.
The episode opened in Kabul, Afganistan, with Ashton Kutcher disguised as an Islamic terrorist. He is talking to an extremist Imam (Clancy Brown) who has hired him to guard his harem. "Don't touch them, just watch them," the Imam tells him. "Don't worry," Ashton says. "I'm not interested in your harem." "What do you mean?" the Imam asks him. "Are you gay? Guards!" The guards grab Ashton's arms and hold him fast. "No, no, your holiness," Ashton says. "I am not gay, just sexually ambivalent." The Imam asks him how he can be sexually ambivalent in the presence of such lovely femininity, and has his wives parade before him. They're all wearing hijabs, so we can't see anything other than their eyes.
"Your wives are lovely," Ashton says. This enrages the Imam. "What do you mean? Are you coming on to my wives? Guards!" Ashton is again grabbed. "No, no, your holiness. I merely meant that your wives are lovely for one such as yourself. Naturally, I am unworthy." "Oh, okay, then," the Imam says. This kind of goes on for awhile, but anyway, Ashton's cover is blown and he's revealed to be a CIA operative who's spent years infiltrating the Imam's terror cell. His handler (in an odd "coincidence," Ashton's CIA handler is played by Charlie Sheen's "Platoon" co-star Tom Berenger) tells him that it's unsafe for him to continue on as a CIA agent and he's got to go into forced retirement. "The only way we can ensure your safety is for you to completely take over the life of another person," he tells Ashton. "You'll have to step into their life the way an actor might step into a role that's been abandoned by an actor who's been fired for his crazy behavior and take over his identity." Then, per a stage direction, he looks at the camera and says, "Somewhere in America, a man is dying right now. Whoever he is, that's whose life you'll take over."
Cut to: Jon Cryer and the "half man" at a campsite. They're both starving because they didn't bring any food, and they don't have any money to buy food. All they have is a sandwich size Zip-loc bag. Half Man whines about how hungry he is, and then Jon Cryer says, "Stop whining. Uncle Charlie will be here soon, with lots of food for us." Half Man says, "I can't believe we're relying on the most unreliable man in the world to feed us." "That's no way to talk about your Uncle Charlie," Jon Cryer says. "Especially because it's true."
Then a couple of little girls walk onto the campsite, one of whom is holding a tin of popcorn. "Excuse me," she says, "we're playing a game called 'Bigger or Better,' where we go around to campsites to trade what we have for something that is either 'bigger' or 'better.' Have you got anything that's 'bigger' or 'better' than popcorn?"
Both Jon Cryer and Half Man are really hungry, and they eye the popcorn like it's sirloin. The Half Man then takes the Zip-loc bag and puts it up to his butt, then zips it up. He hands the bag to the girl, and takes the popcorn. "Here you go," he says. "A bag with a fart in it." The girls protest that a bag with a fart in it isn't better than popcorn, it's gross. Jon Cryer says, "What are you talking about? This popcorn isn't even popped! You just got a bag with a fart in it. How many of those have you seen? I can get unpopped popcorn in any 99-cent store!"
Then, the girls walk away and Jon Cryer and the Half Man notice Uncle Charlie's car off camera. "Look, there's Uncle Charlie's car!" Half Man says. "Up on top of that ravine!" "Why is he driving so fast?" Jon Cryer says. Then, there's the sound of a huge crash, and an explosion. "He's crashed! His car has exploded!" they say, staring in horror. Then, "Oh, he's crawling from the wreckage! He's okay! Uncle Charlie!" they yell at him. "What's that bear doing?" Half Man asks. "Charlie! Look out for that bear!" Jon Cryer yells. "Too late," Half Man says. "Looks like that bear REALLY likes Uncle Charlie." "Look away," Jon Cryer says.
The two stand there for awhile as Uncle Charlie is raped by a bear off camera. Then, a car that was being driven by Charlie's stalker, Rose, drives over the same ravine and lands on top of the bear and Charlie. Rose, dissheveled and dirty, staggers into the frame and the three of them commisserate. Uncle Charlie is dead, and his stalker Rose has killed him. While he was being raped by a bear.
Back at Charlie's house, Jon Cryer, Half Man, and Rose are all arguing over who will tell Charlie's and Jon Cryer's mother about what's happened. Then, Tom Berenger walks into the house and tells them not to do anything just yet, that their cooperation is needed for national security reasons. He explains that Ashton Kutcher has to step seamlessly into Uncle Charlie's life as if Uncle Charlie is still alive. They will call Ashton Uncle Charlie. They will show him how Uncle Charlie behaves, and train him to be Uncle Charlie completely. Jon Cryer says, "All you need to do is get a super ego-ectomy and you'll be fine." Rose tells him that it shouldn't be a problem showing Ashton how Charlie acts, because she has tons of video footage of him, and in fact, "why don't you come over to my place right now, so that I can show you how Charlie made love when he was drunk!"
Half Man complains that he's in mourning, and he doesn't know how he's supposed to get over the death of his uncle, when he has to pretend that his uncle is still alive. Tom Berenger says don't worry, the government is going to pay for the best therapy money can buy. The scene shifts to Jon Cryer, Half Man, Charlie's mother, Charlie's housekeeper, and Rose sitting in a circle around Dr. Drew Pinsky. "Ordinarily in these situations, I encourage people to own their feelings of sadness and mourning," Dr. Drew says in that phoney baloney "I care" tone he uses. "But in this case, you have to suppress that and pretend like nothing has changed." The surviving cast members then each spend a minute or so relating a litany of Charlie's boorish behavior, while Dr. Drew listens, slack-jawed. "No wonder that bear went after him the way it did," Dr. Drew says. "He probably recognized a fellow animal."
The rest of the episode is spent setting up the premise for the rest of the season: Jon Cryer and the Half Man will be "training" Ashton Kutcher, the straight-arrow CIA agent, to be a whoring, boozing jerk. Also, there was some stuff about Charlie's mother wanting to take Ashton to bed ("He's not really my son, so it's only incest in the eyes of the federal government, not nature!"), and a subplot about Jon Cryer (he's a chiropractor on the show) treating the twin brother of the Imam (also Clancy Brown) for a sore neck.
The above is as complete a synopsis as I can remember. As you can see, some of it was really funny, some of it only slightly funny. Over all, I think they did a pretty decent job with the episode, and I'm glad I get to post this exclusive synopsis of what is sure to be a hotly anticipated program.
I have to say that I think the writers of "Two and a Half Men" have come up with a brilliant way to dismiss Charlie Sheen's character and introduce Ashton Kutcher's. Goodbye, Charlie.
Two and a Half Men naked pic source.