Sunday, November 27, 2016

Here's EVERYTHING that's coming to Netflix streaming in December 2016

This is the exhaustive list of literally every single new Netflix streaming option for December 2016. There are no other new streaming options for December, aside from these. Seriously, this is it:

Dieter (2013) 10 episodes

This highly acclaimed series from a country where all the signs have O’s with slashes through them begins with the discovery of a horrifically murdered young girl. Then Dieter, a very, very, very, very troubled detective with serious trauma and alcoholic issues begins an investigation. For eight episodes you learn all kinds of horrible stuff about a political conspiracy and some stuff about immigrants being exploited, then at the end it turns out that the girl was killed by the uncle of the third man that the victim had sex with the night she was killed. Dark, dreary, and very bingeable!

People Sleeping (2010) 43 mins

The classic returns for the holiday season! This one is like that video of the burning fireplace that you play to just sort of have something playing on TV (I think it’s supposed to be soothing), except that this features shots of various people sleeping, filmed through windows that didn’t have their blinds drawn. You’ll relax yourself wondering just what those people were dreaming about (one guy drools on his pillow! It’s classic!).

Cheetah Girls Keepin’ It REEL! (2003) 1 hr 27 mins

Remember when the Cheetah Girls were popular? Well, now you can relive a simpler time, in this now-classic movie that follows the musical and comedic adventures of the Cheetah Girls! Watch as they enter a fishing contest and get more than they bargained for. Will the main Cheetah Girl find true love, or will he be “the one who got away”? Will they be able to catch a fish big enough to prevent the evil land developer from buying the orphanage lakefront property and kicking out all the kids? If you can’t guess the answers, then this movie is definitely for you!

Chaalis Ekk Ekk Paan Love Night Gali Patsam Kyaa Boolu Palir (2014) 2 hrs 58 mins

This modern Bollywood classic is a thriller comedy musical drama that features a totally comprehensible story about a pair of mismatched roommates with a talking dog who are being stalked by a singing serial killer. While they’re being chased they meet a magical talking doll who gives them superpowers. One of them falls in love with a woman who turns out to be a lesbian, but that subplot doesn’t really go anywhere (the lesbian turns out to be a reporter investigating the talking dog, but she gets killed by the serial killer I think). Then the roommates find out that they’re actually half cousins (something to do with their mothers or something). A secret agent recruits them to fight the serial killer, but then the secret agent turns out to be an operative for the serial killer and not the government! Now that I’ve told you about the first thirty minutes I feel exhausted.

I think this scene appears in Chaalis Ekk Ekk Paan Love Night Gali Patsam Kyaa Boolu Palir, but I might have dreamed it.

Doesn’t Matter (2016) 1 hr 22 mins

This mumblecore drama stars Sally Weatherald and Kimber Newton, two actresses you've never heard of and probably aren't actually actresses anyway, as two aimless, bored young women living in a hip, trendy, expensive New York neighborhood with no visible means of support. They wander around talking to an ethnically mixed group of residents for about five hours. Occasionally one of them says something comprehensible. Then after a while their elderly neighbor loses her cat so they go looking for it for a while. For some reason, one of them (the vegetarian) gets an abortion. Then at the end they find the cat. A darling of the festival circuit, this movie was purchased by the specialty releasing arm of one of the major movie studios for over $3 million, was released to theaters for two days where it earned $73, and now you can watch here, on Netflix!

I think one of the women in Doesn't Matter falls in love with this guy, but she thinks he's too aggressive in his veganism (she's a vegetarian, although she does occasionally eat pork).

The Rotten Tomatoes Story (2016) color and B&W, 1 hr 4 mins

This new documentary from Alex Gibney and Nick Broomfield chronicles the rise of the website that actually quantifies critical movie consensus, turning opinions into pure irrefutable facts. Featuring interviews with some of the site’s top commenters, including the guy who called Armond White a “stupid bald f*ggot” because he didn’t like “Toy Story 3,” and the guy who said that he was glad Roger Ebert got cancer because he didn’t like “Kick Ass”! Also featured are some of the people who have lost friendships for going against the all-knowing “Tomatometer.” Eye-opening!

RTB: RottenTomatoBot makes a special appearance in The Rotten Tomatoes Story.

Killer in Two-Toned Shoes (1953) B&W 1 hr 3 mins

This “classic” is so great when it slipped into the public domain in 1978, no one made any attempt at all to reclaim it. Paul St. George stars as Simon Murray, a man with a haunted past. When mysterious femme fatale Lola Martin (Iris Denise Corsault) shows up with an ultimatum, Simon is forced to ask his ex-convict cousin Michael Stone (Stone Michaels) for help dealing with Ralph Goodman (Dennis Irisault). Meanwhile, intrepid reporter Dill Pickleton (Pinkerton Briggs) is busy dredging up Simon’s past, as a horrifying murder trial being prosecuted by Justin MacMire (MacMillan Humbert) threatens to reveal even more dark secrets. It sounds exciting, but it’s dull and confusing as hell. Just being  honest!

Undeclared Freaks (2016) 8 episodes

The wait is finally over! The Netflix original revival of the classic late-90s network show is back! It got cancelled too soon, after only four episodes, but its reputation has only grown, as the fifteen people who watched it back then all started blogs and raved about it, then started online petitions that they pestered their friends into signing, and now suddenly everyone thinks they remember this being THE GREATEST SHOW OF ALL TIME OMG!!!! And can you believe it, the entire cast is returning! Even Riley Rae, who’s really, really famous now (she appears in the third episode for about four minutes). Get ready to relive the good times, and find out what your favorite characters are up to (they’re failures, stuck in the past, they can’t move forward)!

Sharknami (2015) 1 hr 37 mins

A tsunami of sharks! Actually, this is a lower-quality knock off of Sharknado, made on a smaller budget with a less recognizable cast. Not even when you’re stoned is it worth watching.

Hipster picture source.
Bollywood picture source.
RTB: RottenTomatoBot picture source.

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